He's left | Mumsnet

Doggymummar · 26/05/2023 22:24

You must be elated.

Original poster

itsover76 · 26/05/2023 22:41

i feel terrible

OP posts:

Throwncrumbs · 26/05/2023 22:45

itsover76 · 26/05/2023 22:41

i feel terrible

You will do, that’s a normal reaction, but you will feel better, no walking on eggshells anymore. Look after yourself over the weekend and make next week time for change. Good luck

Zarataralara · 26/05/2023 23:27

Well thank god he’s gone. I winced reading your head hitting the stone floor, that could have killed you.
After 26 years you only know married life, that’s your identity, your norm. It takes time to get used to a new one. I hadn’t been married as long as you but I had to leave before he killed me. I disappeared. I got a new job, made a new life, I didn’t tell anyone for years why I was on my own. It was great, the freedom was wonderful, I travelled, I kept the money I made. What a difference that made!
You will feel better. It takes time, it takes adjustment but you won’t be hit or pushed around any more.

GrazingSheep · 26/05/2023 23:37

Are you ok?
Have you family to support you?

PotsnPan · 26/05/2023 23:52

I am holding your hand and I can imagine you’re scared and hurt at the moment but I am glad he has gone because you do not deserve this

Mmhmmn · 26/05/2023 23:58

itsover76 · 26/05/2023 22:23

Changed my username for this. Could i have a hand hold please - he's left. she been abusive since the outset, although for many years i didn't realise what was going on. Physical abuse twice - once just before lockdown in 2020 when he threw me out of the patio doors and more recently on mother's day when he propelled me backwards from outside to in and igot concussion banging my head on the stone kitchen floor. He's lied, he's financially abused me, he's emotionally abused me and there's been lots of verbal abuse and i'm totally dependent on him. i've been a sahm from the outset. He's destroyed me i'm literally a shadow of the person who got together with him 26yrs ago. We have a number of children (god only knows why i had them with him - i feel utterly stupid tbh)

I'm so sorry to read this. I hope I'm wrong but I think you need to make a plan for how to fend off a reappearance. Lie having locks changed etc or can you also leave?

Mmhmmn · 26/05/2023 23:59

Zarataralara · 26/05/2023 23:27

Well thank god he’s gone. I winced reading your head hitting the stone floor, that could have killed you.
After 26 years you only know married life, that’s your identity, your norm. It takes time to get used to a new one. I hadn’t been married as long as you but I had to leave before he killed me. I disappeared. I got a new job, made a new life, I didn’t tell anyone for years why I was on my own. It was great, the freedom was wonderful, I travelled, I kept the money I made. What a difference that made!
You will feel better. It takes time, it takes adjustment but you won’t be hit or pushed around any more.

❤️

Original poster

itsover76 · 27/05/2023 05:27

Thank you for the support everyone. Yes i suspect he'll reappear as he didn't take his laptop or empty his office. My parents now know what i've gone through as of yesterday - i'd kept it all secret, which has been pretty easy as i don't have any actual friends and i'm not close to my family.

OP posts:

Mmhmmn · 29/05/2023 00:30

itsover76 · 27/05/2023 05:27

Thank you for the support everyone. Yes i suspect he'll reappear as he didn't take his laptop or empty his office. My parents now know what i've gone through as of yesterday - i'd kept it all secret, which has been pretty easy as i don't have any actual friends and i'm not close to my family.

How have they reacted?

raysan1 · 29/05/2023 01:04

@itsover76 Holding your hand and giving a hug. You told someone - so brave!!! Promise me never ever to take him back under any circumstances. If you consider it, pls read 'why does he do that' first - its an insight into abusers from a therapist.

A police report will help you. Be advised they will visit you and him. Awkward but I am so glad I accidentally did that, since I felt I had a safety net.

One day at a time. There is a group - codependents anonymous - who may help you in getting through and rebuilding yourself. I wont say getting back to your old self, since you have learnt so much since back then.

MintJulia · 29/05/2023 01:17

Mmhmmn · 26/05/2023 23:58

I'm so sorry to read this. I hope I'm wrong but I think you need to make a plan for how to fend off a reappearance. Lie having locks changed etc or can you also leave?

Show quote history

This. Change the locks.

Nat6999 · 29/05/2023 01:57

Contact the police, they can be there when he collects his stuff. Tell them everything, he has assaulted you at least twice. Have you any dc? If you have, then reporting him protects them as well.

something2say · 29/05/2023 02:31

Hide your precious and important stuff so he can't break or steal it.

Get some of his stuff together, if safe.

Be out when he returns to get his stuff.

Keep but do not respond to contacts, and do not self harm by reading shitty messages.

If you have to see him, phone charged and nearby and call 999 if scared. Use behaviour to minimize risk, be compliant, do not argue, do not seek to make points. Be grey to avoid risk.

Well done xxxxxx

Original poster

itsover76 · 02/06/2023 10:36

well he came back as expected. Tried to be nice but frankly i am having none of it - which of course just brought out more abuse - mainly verbal and manipulation. I'm so angry and hurt and it gives me heart palpitations (which i'm waiting for cardiology to assess because i get so many and it's potentially dangerous - i'm on medication). i have no one in real life to support me - my parents are old and have distanced themselves from it now i've told them everything. He's trying to make out I'm as bad as him, which is why i should give him another chance because he's only ever wanted a good relationship!! He puts most of his abuse down to not thinking! Anyway, i needed to get this out somewhere so if anyone reads it - thanks! He says he's going to view a flat today - i know this is a good thing if it's true but it hurts like hell that he'd destroy me and then dump me because I'm not what he wants anymore.

OP posts:

perfectcolourfound · 02/06/2023 12:24

Stay strong @itsover76 This man has made your life a misery for many years. He's abused you, mentally and physically. He's distanced you from family and friends. He's turned you in to a shadow of your real self.

You aren't to blame for any of this. You were unfortunate enough to end up with a defective, abusive man.

Well now you can get free of him. He won't go easily, as he'll need to prove he's right / the victim / you need him / he can reel you back in when he wants.

But you know what you need to do. Do you need to get any legal advice re money and property?

Please keep talking on here, and seek support in real life. You can slowly start to rebuild old friendships and seek out new ones. You can have a happy, fulfilling, calm life away from him. Small steps, but every one is towards a happier place.

Stratocumulus · 02/06/2023 12:30

Sending a huge hug and strength as you move forward.
These are the most challenging days but yours is the power now.

What you are feeling cant be hurried. Lots of us have been there and can vouch for the peace of mind which eventually you will find. I bet those palpitations are actually stress related.
Good luck OP.

MintJulia · 02/06/2023 14:46

Hang on in there OP. You are nearly rid of him for good. I know it feels awful at the moment but in a couple of months, your life will be sooooo much better. Stress levels down, able to relax, no walking on egg shells.

You will be fine xx