Marriage counselling (yes/no)

[Penji45]

Hi, I’m a first time poster and long time lurker. Need advice as I haven’t got anyone to talk to in real life.
Married for 20 years with school age children. We have always lived close to husbands family and 7 hour round trip from mine. He runs a business that does okay (average) and I am a high earner 3x. I WFH and do most of the school run (3pm shift onwards)
Recently lost my mum and there is no Dad. I feel lonely and considering separation/ marriage counselling. My husband double booked on my birthday so two special things planned (one by myself) got cancelled. Mother’s Day offer this year and last was a half day visit to see his mum and family who are 10 mins away. I sleep in the spare bedroom because of his snoring.

I feel invisible and alone more and more

i feel so much resentment and don’t think marriage counselling will get us through the in-depth issues we have.

Thanks for reading this far. Just looking for advice. X

So sorry. I have no advice but I wanted to respond so you know someone was reading! Do you think he has any idea you are unhappy?

Set your standards and act upon the failure to meet them. You can't counsel someone to give enough of a crap to make an effort. Sounds like you'll be fine on your own and far happier without the expectations and disappointment this guy brings

We went to marriage counselling and found it really helpful in helping us to communicate honestly. I would definitely recommend it. My husband and I just weren't communicating well together and things are much better now. The other alternative is bereavement counselling which may also be helpful

We did it for a year and it was very helpful, it helped us to stop and think about how we view things and how we communicate. We also reflected on where the resentments came from. Sometimes it can take a while to get to the bottom of things so persevere . Your family upbringing can play into your current dynamics in ways the both of you might not realise.

I tend to find therapists who are older have more life experience. He might not think that you would be upset by Mother’s Day so the therapist can help you to communicate your expectations in way which he might be more receptive to. For therapy to be effective you would need to do it for several months plus.

Thank you to all the replies. I actually deleted my account as I thought no one would reply :-( and reset when I read the replies- hence the changed username slightly.
To answer the first question, I told him recently and he was surprised at how sad I felt. Suggested marriage counselling as we are poor at communicating. I’ll try it but just wanted to hear more from others in similar situations.
I have had grief counselling which has been helpful but losing my mum has made me want to move closer to siblings.

I think perhaps consider counselling for yourself first of all, to explore your own feelings of sadness, resentment and invisibility in your relationship. This might help clarify if couples counselling is worth trying, or whether you would be better off separating.

Just popped on to say that I've had counselling before with DH, and it turned us around from being on the verge of separating while I was a few months pregnant with my second child.
I can honestly say that we refer back to the counselling fairly often and still use some of the strategies and things from it, and DD2 is nearly 2 now. I didn't feel like it was helping while we were actually having it, but by the end of our short stint we were so much better and it just gave a lot more scope for open communication and understanding each others perspective.
I've had such disappointing mothers days before and with 2 very young DC I feel like "mother" is my all consuming existence in life at the moment, so mother's day was such a huge deal to me. When I got the most unthoughtful shit mothers day that year, I remember how it felt - like the thing that was my entire world, wasn't even worth a second thought. I felt so unappreciated and so sad. DH doesn't think fathers day is a big deal, so he had just assumed that wasn't a big deal for me either - but neither of us communicated that!
So now, I make sure my expectations are clear so I don't have a false vision of how the day would go, leading to my own disappointment and crap feelings. I also learned to see the things DH does for me for what they are. what he sees at acts of love / appreciation are very different to me, but we tend to do the things we'd want for ourselves when trying to appreciate other people. The counselling encouraged us to look at this and it helped to diffuse a lot of resentment. So for example I prefer thoughtful gestures such as making me a cup of tea and bringing it up to me. Whereas he prefers to spend money on a gift, even if it's totally random, because he's good at picking gifts but not at being "thoughtful".

Anyway sorry that's a waffle and tangent but I hope you think about doing the counselling, it might set you on a different path, and I wish you all the best of luck xx

Thank you again for your perspectives. I really appreciate it.
The sadness and reflection definitely got more acute after my mum passed and the feeling of one life/ short life.
i guess i feel like I am compromising myself to live a life that really suits him. Lack of physical contact doesn’t help and we focus on the children and not on the marriage itself. Classic case of when they fly the nest - there really isn’t much left so I’m wondering whether the next 10 years or so will continue like this.

Mother’s Day was a combination of two things - a hard day for me anyway personally after the loss and lack of appreciation for the role that I play in daily life. All his thoughts were on how to be a good son as opposed to a good husband and father. I suggested he go and see his granny and mom and sister and I took the children to the beach for the whole day to distract and escape. He just said that it would have been nice for Granny to see grandchildren on Mother’s Day and I said take them any other day. My children were a (only) source of happiness for me that day.

x

We are having relationship counselling and finding it very useful. So helpful to have a safe space to bring up difficult issues, and to learn tools about how to communicate and understand each other better. One tip: if you decide to go ahead, chose a counsellor together, because I think it's easy for one partner to feel that they are being 'ganged-up on'. If you've both chosen the counsellor, this is (hopefully) less likely. Good luck