Family issue. Not sure how to handle it.

[EmpressSoleil]

DSis and myself had a terrible upbringing. We handled it in different ways and as a result, were out of contact for many years. We reconnected a few months ago. On the whole I enjoy having her back in my life and I do love her and care about her. However there are 2 issues.

One being she often wants to talk about our childhood. I get she needs to try and process it and she says “you’re the only one who understands as you were there”. But I don’t want to talk about it. In my mind it is far behind me and I really don’t want to go back there. Whenever she mentions something along those lines I then find myself dwelling on it and tbh it brings me down when I am otherwise happy. I could say “I don’t want to talk about it” but then I’d feel guilty knowing she’s bottling it up and has no one to talk to (she’s tried counselling etc in the past and it hasn’t helped).

Secondly she wants me to visit her again. She still lives in our childhood town and I live 100s of miles away (for the reason I needed to get away). I’ve been once and it was so triggering for me. I saw places I never wanted to see again. Too many bad memories (which is maybe why she struggles so much). But it is my “turn” she’s been to see me more than once. So again I feel guilty. But honestly the last time I went it took me about a month to get over it, so to speak. The thought of another visit fills me with dread.

But she’s a lovely person who went through some horrendous things and I feel for her so much. On the other hand, it’s taken me years to get to a good place mentally and I feel myself sliding back due to these two issues. I just don’t know what to do. I feel so selfish when I think that I want her in my life, but on my terms. But then I also know how long it took me (literally decades) to feel a sense of contentment and peace in my own life.

Sorry, this turned out longer than expected! But any advice would be appreciated.

Could you not just say that you find it triggering being back there and would prefer to meet somewhere more neutral in future?
Would joint counselling, so that you are able to express how you don’t want to rehash it all, be an option?
I’m sorry, it sounds very difficult

Sounds like you are both lovely people who have handled your very difficult experiences differently.
Can you not just tell her what you’ve told us here? There’s nothing wrong or offensive about it, your needs are valid and make sense!
It’s good that you are finding your way back to each other. Hopefully you can keep lines of communication open and work past this hurdle. Good luck 💐

I think your priority needs to be your own health and wellness. Just be honest with her and tell her to keep yourself well you need to stay away from your home town. Maybe offer to meet her at a town near by? Same with the childhood talk, tell her you don’t want to talk about it because it affects your wellbeing.

It’s ok to have boundaries with her. She may well need to talk about it but she needs to find someone else to talk with.

Well, you DO understand… I think it’s OK to tell her that you do understand but you can’t go back into it without losing the strength / resistance you have built up. Tell her you know what she is struggling with, and whether you talk about it not your understanding is constant, you know the truth… but you can’t talk about it. But that doesn’t mean you don’t care or don’t understand. It is the opposite! Also be honest about the triggering effect of returning. Pay her travel costs to you or to a midway place?

Of course tell her how much she means to you.

So sorry about what happened to you OP.

Could you both meet somewhere neutral from now on? Surely of all the people to understand you wouldn’t want to see the place again, it would be her!
I hate it when people go on about things that upset me but they do it regardless just because they want to get it off their chest. I have that issue with a family member at the moment and it honestly drives me insane. I usually just brush it off and say oh listen I don’t really think about that anymore, or oh gosh we shouldn’t be ruminating on things past let’s look forward! I try to keep it positive. I don’t think you should be guilty about anything, you’ve got your own life to live and you need to be happy too. If counseling didn’t work for her then I fail to see how saying it over and over again even after counseling will help.
I don’t want to sound harsh or anything, but i think you do need to be able to stand up for yourself a little bit and your sister will surely understand.

Maybe a combination of giving counseling another try combined with agreeing to try (you’re allowed to opt out, change the frequency, etc) joint counseling with you.
Otherwise agree with PP, everything you’ve said is perfectly reasonable and not framed in a mean way at all.
I’d do it sooner rather than later, as it’s only been a couple of months you have the feeling a bit overwhelmed factor to add that she may take in easier in addition.

Sorry that was dreadfully formulated. I meant both at the same time : she gives her counseling another try, as you explain your reasons for not being able to discuss so much, but you’re willing to add as a supplement an attempt at joint counseling if she thinks it may help her. But be (nicely) clear it’s for her benefit, because your preference of processing is not talking about it

I think in your post, you have explained yourself perfectly clearly. You understand her issues and recognise what you both went through- but it's also fine for you to process it in a different way.

You show empathy and kindness and I would imagine that is what she is looking for. I would just explain it to her in the same way you have written it out for us. I rarely return to my home town for a similar reason- I am always known as XXX's daughter and I never want to be identified as that again.

Be honest with her about why you don’t want to visit.

@Virgo1989 ask mumsnet to delete your post and repost in feeding.

So sorry - meant to set up a new thread. No idea how I managed to post here or how to delete!