How do you emotionally detach?

[PPSWife]

Apart from giving things time and keeping busy is there anything else one can do to try to emotionally detach from a person/relationship?

My husband and I are separating at his instigation and I feel pretty sure it’s because of a breakdown (most likely triggered by work issues) that is affecting every aspect of his life and making him want to isolate from
eveyone and everything. He used to think he was changing as a person but now he can’t make up his mind about whether he wants to be away from everyone because he feels like such a disappointment or whether he blames everyone else in his life for his breakdown. He’s refused treatment so far because of a bad experience with therapy but finally seems to be softening his stance a little and has agreed to think about therapy once he’s moved out and has also taken steps to ensure he has health insurance cover for the next few months.

I don’t want to start issuing ultimatums or divorcing him because I don’t think this is deliberate and I’ve been though depression myself and know what it’s like to feel numb/lose your feelings for your partner and to not be able to understand or explain why it’s happening. He does at times try to do ‘normal’ things like hobbies, socialising, being affectionate/intimate with me in the hopes of feeling something again, but he says it’s like life is in black and white rather than colour. I also know that we love each other and we don’t have any insurmountable issues. And yes I’m pretty certain there’s no other woman. From the things he talks about and the physical symptoms he has, it’s pretty clear to me that there is pretty severe depression and anxiety (diagnosed) that need addressing.

I want to give him the time and space he needs to figure things out but I also want to look after myself in that time and I’m not sure where I should be mentally in all of this. At the moment I seem to move between hope and despair but I’m not sure that’s really healthy. Ive started to look into stoicism - accepting that we cannot control everything that happens to us but only what happens in our minds. Is there anything more I can do to help myself through this?

Are you saying you have decided to emotionally detach in response and you’d like tips to help? Or, something else?

@WeThreeKingsofOrientAre Yes I think emotional detachment might be the way to go, but I’m not sure. If it is then advice welcome.

I'm sorry, OP, you're basically saying that you want to stay close to him whilst being further apart. I think it's a bit of an impossible one.

A bit like saying 'My hair is on fire; I don't want to put it out, but how do I stop feeling the pain?'

@Watchkeys I’m not sure I want to stay close but I also don’t feel ready to end my marriage right now because my husband is unwell, especially not without giving him the space he says he needs. But yes you may be right that it’s an impossible one in terms of managing my own pain :( I’m sure others have been through the process of giving someone space and waiting for them to figure things out, but maybe I just have to accept it’s going to be painful if this is what I have chosen

What do you actively do, day to day, that feeds you? What do you do that encourages confidence and independence in you? What are you doing to develop you?

It sounds like the more independence you can have, the better, and that's the case if you stay together or not. It's really important to maintain your sense of self, especially if your partner is having MH issues. Do you have a good life of your own, outside of the relationship?

@Watchkeys I work full time so that takes up most of my days. That generally keeps me pretty busy but there can be quieter days like today. In the evenings from 5-8pm I have my 4 & 3 year old so I’m busy with them. My husband and kids go to bed at 8pm and I mostly spend time on a few different hobbies that I have until I go to bed. Weekends are mostly spending time with family, catching up with friends, taking the kids out and sorting out house stuff. That’s probably when I struggle the most as he is reluctant to get out and I’m often on my own with them if family/friends aren’t able to join and it feels lonely and I hate seeing families and couples out and about.

it feels lonely

This is the bit you can do something about. If you were taking care of yourself in the way you need, you wouldn't feel lonely, because you'd know you had someone on your side, who would look after you and do all the best things for you: you.

It's not about keeping busy. That's just distracting yourself. You need to have your own back, and be actively doing things that float your boat, rather than routine hobbies that you do out of habit. What are you proud of yourself for, outside of family life?

@Watchkeys They aren’t routine hobbies that I just do out of habit, they are things I genuinely enjoy and I am very happy in myself. I don’t think that’s the issue. I don’t take those hobbies out with me when I take my kids on a day out on the weekend because that’s just not possible and those are the times when I feel lonely because I’m acutely aware that my husband who would have ordinarily been there isn’t. It’s less difficult when we go out with friends/family but that’s only possible sometimes as everyone is busy doing their own family stuff. I think in those moments the sadness around the breakup of the family unit sets in and I don’t know how to overcome that. Someone who is a single parent would probably understand what I mean.

Clearly you've made your assumptions about whether I'm a single parent or not.

Have a think about what you're proud of yourself for, for yourself, outside of family stuff. You didn't answer that.

Best of luck.

I’m going through this exact same situation with my DC. He wants space and he has already detached from me (which I find incredibly hard) don’t know what to do….stay, go? hang around, wait for him to get ‘better’ (he won’t get help,stay close?….. it’s soul destroying and I’m really struggling. Hope you are ok OP

@PPSWife I totally understand what you mean. I enjoy my own company, I love my hobbies. I don't NEED someone to be able to do them. But whilst at a concert (for example) just not being able to lock eyes with the person you love briefly and say "he's loving this too". Or reach for a hand to hold. Or feel the light touch of someone on your back. Just to know that amongst all these people, families and couples there is someone there just for you, who loves you and is sharing these moments with you, is the loneliest feeling in the world.