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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

OH is drinking too much

16 replies

whatisdone · 26/05/2023 07:41

My OH drinks too much. Not every day but binge drinks once or twice a week. He has a chronic skin condition - which I am really starting to find hard to cope with. He rarely sweeps up after himself and it is really bad. I sweep my floor easily 5 or 6 times a day and I am by no means a clean freak. He no longer works as his job retired him on health grounds. I work full-time and run a small business too and our child is of an age that it is obvious what one parent is doing. OH tries to engage our child in watching a film with him when he starts to binge drink. My OH was always very confident (part of the appeal back in the day) but seems to have became more and more of an always-right kind of person. I feel myself slipping away and becoming more and more of a shell of a person unable to stick up for myself and my opinions on family situations. He will always talk over my thoughts. We don't seem to have discussions - I try to raise my opinion then he completely talks over me. We have been together over 25 years but it's starting to feel a bit hopeless. Nothing to be said I guess

OP posts:

DustyLee123 · 26/05/2023 07:44

What is making you stay ?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/05/2023 08:15

You do not have to stay with him if that is what you want, you can rebuild your life without him.

What is the point of you and he bring together at all now?

ZekeZeke · 26/05/2023 09:42

You sweep your floors 5/6 times a day? Do you live in a sandcastle?

Binge drinking isn't healthy or attractive, leave?

frozendaisy · 26/05/2023 11:23

Not another one with a god complex

You do far more than him.
He's always right.
You are turning into a shell of a person.

You either have it out with him a big, long, no blame but honest conversation about how the future will look if you stay together. Which means if he is retired you do virtually nothing at home he does it all because at the moment he sounds like a useless lump

He cuts his drinking down
Becomes fun and loving

Or you leave

Or you say nothing and put up with it until one of you dies.

Watchkeys · 26/05/2023 14:10

Why are you still in the relationship? What holds you there?

Original poster

whatisdone · 26/05/2023 14:49

That's a grim thought frozendaisy. I don't really matter too much (I made my choice) but my child does and I don't like a parent being tanked a couple of times a week

OP posts:

DataNotLore · 26/05/2023 14:52

You're the mother.

You need to matter, for your child to matter.

End this stupid situation and get a divorce.

Watchkeys · 26/05/2023 15:01

Why don't you think you matter?

Godlovesall26 · 26/05/2023 20:51

How old is your child OP ?

Has your husband always binge drinked or did it start when he was retired ? Did other issues in general start at that time ? How long ago was it ? Was he unhappy about it ? It could be depression, loss of purpose, if recent, and not his wish as on health grounds.

Does his health limit him a lot in everyday life ? As in, could he work remotely, volunteer in different fields ?

OhcantthInkofaname · 26/05/2023 20:54

whatisdone · 26/05/2023 14:49

That's a grim thought frozendaisy. I don't really matter too much (I made my choice) but my child does and I don't like a parent being tanked a couple of times a week

Then I suggest you determine you matter because your child needs you. Leave.

Original poster

whatisdone · 27/05/2023 13:24

thank you for messages - they have made me think a bit more. I feel tied to him as we have a child (12) and we’ve been together over 20 years. He always enjoyed a drink but since he retired he doesn’t need to worry about getting up for work etc. He cooks, does the dishes, hoovers once a week. I need to make the change - I know I matter . Thank you for reminding me xx My first post probably sounded blacker than it actually is. I was feeling pretty resentful when I wrote it.

OP posts:

determinedtomakethiswork · 27/05/2023 13:36

You know you have one life and you don't have to spend it with someone like this. You have free will. It's up to you what you do but I wouldn't live like that.

Pinkbonbon · 27/05/2023 13:41

Your child should be even more reason to leave. Surely you don't want them growing up in this unhealthy environment. Seeing their mother thinl this is all she is worth.

Surely you don't want them to think this shit is normal and it's OK to become or to date someone like your husband when they grow up.

Get yourself out of there. Get them out of there.

12 is a great age to leave. They're old enough to understand you're leaving because their dad is an asshole. And it's a few years before they have any important exams.

Watchkeys · 27/05/2023 17:42

My first post probably sounded blacker than it actually is. I was feeling pretty resentful when I wrote it

Don't minimise your feelings. You sounded like you felt bad because you felt bad. You don't need to justify to us or anybody how bad, or why.

Zarataralara · 27/05/2023 18:29

He might get” tanked up” a couple of times a week now but that is unlikely to stay the same. His tolerance will change, his behaviour will change.
Just before I left my ex-husband drunkenly told me it would be my fault if he’d killed someone drunk driving as I’d refused to drive him to the supermarket. a taxi driver, in a foreign city where I didn’t speak the language, refused to let us in his cab late at night. I had no idea how to get back to our hotel. He was so drunk after a work event he tried to kick the windscreen of the car out as I was driving. Work colleagues refused to go to events if he was included. The list goes on. it’s a downward spiral.
Your child will be increasingly embarrassed and won’t want friends to come to their home or his father to go to any events.
You can stay, offer info on AA, contact AlAnon for support for yourself.
Or make your plan to leave and give you and your child a decent life.

5128gap · 27/05/2023 20:49

Sometimes the thought of leaving is so huge, and you're so tired and defeated it's seems impossible. It's much easier said than done, so don't add guilt for inaction to your troubles.
If you can't rip the plaster off, why not try moving towards your freedom step by step? Bit by bit you need to fill out that shell with the women you were before all this started by gradually building your life outside of him, family, friends, hobbies, a support network; and at the same time pushing him to the periphery of your life and thoughts. The more you do this, the more progress you'll make towards cutting the ties.

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