18years coming to an end?

[3girlmumma]

Last night, me and my partner had a huge argument over money! (Nothing new there)
We've been together 18 years, married for 13 and have 3 kids.
As most couples we have arguments here and there but this one seems different. He sent me a text this morning after our argument last night, saying he wants to get some things off his chest and that things haven’t been right for a while?!
He's not a big talker anyway, he likes to bottle things up, explode, and move on, so when he said he wanted to talk I was prepared for it.
Fast forward to tonight, he says he can’t be bothered anymore and don’t worry about it, always tells me I’m playing the victim, putting on the water works etc. that’s cos I’m upset?! He said he’s done, we’ve clearly run our course, blah blah blah.
He bought up that intimacy is becoming less and less. Im a big girl (size26) always have been but since kids have more wobbly, saggy bits, but my sex drive just isn’t there at the moment and sex has become abit vanilla. I told him that sometimes it feels abit boring and could be abit more spicy! Hes exploded and said that’s the worst thing you can say to a partner and that, what I said has done it for him and that he doesn’t want to be with someone that doesn’t like him and says sex is boring! But that isn’t what I said!
All I was doing was being honest with him and I’d have thought after 18 years I could do that, clearly not.
I dont know how to come back from this?
I love him so much and couldn’t imagine my life without him but he’s taken what I said and made it something else.
He won’t speak a word to me now, I’m getting the silent treatment and I’m so upset.
Is that 18 years thrown away because I was being honest to the one person I thought I could be??
TIA

I hope you're ok. In order for this to work you both have to be mature and communicate well about your needs. It doesn't sound like you're both able to do that. You need to go to couples counselling.

It wasn't you being honest about sex that has been the cause of this.
You say you argued about money the night before, he then texted to talk and he was the one who said he couldn't be bothered anymore before you mentioned sex.

If the relationship is over for him you can't make him stay.

You can try and explain your honesty was to try and move forward but it still might make no difference.

You say you love him but do you still? Sounds like you have been arguing, intimacy a bit meh, how long have you both been in this rut? When was the last time you were a united unit trying to sort out issues rather than fighting?

Don't be so hard on yourself.
People say things in the heat of the moment.
It takes two people to make 3 children it takes two people for an 18 year relationship to break up. This isn't solely just you and one honest conversation. It's not.

Think through possible futures apart. How is it going to work? Work for you, you without him? You will feel stronger, calmer, better if you have some plans regardless of if they will end up like that.

Let him be an arrogant cock in silence that's cruel, don't pander to it. Fuck that. If he can't have basic manners then leave him be.

He wants the relationship to be over. He is using things you say and twisting them to blame
You for it being over to ease his own guilt.

I'd drop the rope.

You both owe it to your children to fight for this relationship. Tell him to stop being an arse and go and get some couples therapy. There are plenty good reasons to rip a child’s home life apart, the fact that the parents are a bit “meh” in the bedroom isn’t one of then.

I agree, drop the rope, stop trying. You will get through a break up stronger and happier. If you fought about money before, Dont expect him to suddenly become reasonable when you are splitting ùp.

Christ Almighty… there are 3 children to be considered here!

Things have clearly come to a head, although that doesn't mean it's over. Sometimes it's just lashing out after having bottled things up. The silent treatment is very toxic though, and often makes the recipient panic and apologise for things that aren't their fault and generally act needy and put the other person in a position of getting what they want and not taking their fair share of the responsibility. If I were you I'd wait it out until things are calmer and try to have another conversation. Rather than saying "you don't do this" talk about your own feelings, without an attach or what could be perceived as an attack on your DH. Maybe even suggest couples counselling if he'd be up for it. Just try not to panic and end up glossing it over and not talking about it in an attempt to get back to normal, or you'll find yourself getting into a pattern of these kind of arguments, then stonewalling from him.

Christ Almighty! There is not just one big problem to consider, but two

Money, sex and.... her partner can't be bothered any more. So, to be real, three big problems. All the trying in the world can't undo 3 big problems.