Feel trapped in an abusive relationship

[Cloud991]

I posted about my husband a few weeks ago mainly in the context of financial problems/control but I'm really struggling generally. I think I know in my heart and have known for some time now that dh is abusive but it feels like no matter how many people tell me, I can't convince myself of this. And I also don't know how to get out.

When we first met he was kind and caring, would send long, loving messages but even back then there were some red flags about his control and jealousy but I thought it would be ok/that he wasn't that bad. Fast forward to now and we have been married nearly 6 years. And I'm desperately unhappy even though I tell myself I'm ok.

He constantly makes comments about me using my phone to the point I jump out of my skin if he catches me on it, he will just come into the bathroom when I'm in the bath without even knocking and say things like I caught you (I sometimes message friends in bath because it feels like the only private place). When we talk he often mumbles and I can't hear him then won't repeat what he's said and acts annoyed with me, he tries to force me to respond to what he says in particular ways which makes me feel uncomfortable, he withholds physical affection but would say I don't show him any, he never makes me feel good about myself but expects me to be grateful and praise him. He takes virtually no responsibility for the house or garden or admin, I do it all, he expects me to sort everything out. For example, recently realized we may need to pay back some child benefit and he's annoyed at me about this even though he's the high earner and blames me and says he'll sort it out if I show him, like he needs to be spoonfed. He frequently calls me idiot, mong, stupid etc which he thinks is just a joke but it's not said in a jokey way. And I'm also far from stupid. He makes me feel like I've failed at life for not having a proper career (I have a chronic illness and have endured incredible trauma for the last ten years and we have a 2 year old) but at the same time shows no support or encouragement to help me do anything different.

I feel so depressed. But then when I try to talk to him about all this, he says he isn't mean, that I'm being dramatic/lying/making things up. I don't know what to do.

Yes you need to leave. This will only get worse and you deserve better. Also your child will see all of this and pick up on things as she grows up, you don't want this xx

@snowbellsxox thank you, yes I know I need to for her sake.

Do you still want to live like this next year, or in 5 years, or 10 years time?
If you have a daughter would you want her to be married to a man like her father? Would you tell her to stay or leave?
If your answers are no and leave you know it is the best thing for you to do.
Contact Women’s Aid. Speak to a solicitor. You can even speak to your health visitor.
He’s making your life miserable but you can be happier, much happier, on yoyr own with your child.

How would you feel if your DD married someone who treated her like that? What advice would you give her if you found out she was being spoken to by a partner like that? He’s putting you down and withholding affection so your self confidence is in tatters. He wants you to be dependent on him so you don’t realise how great you really are and leave him. Do you have family and friends that would support you? I would wait till he’s out get yours and DD’s stuff and get out of there.

You definitely need to leave. I was in an abusive relationship before with someone who like you, basically was on patrol around me especially with my phone. It got to a stage where I was turning my phone off when I was at his house which was a lot obviously. He would call me all sorts of names, tell me not to mention my college education around his friends cos it made me ‘unlikeable’. In the end , I was just a puppet, I looked the way he wanted and spoke the way he wanted, talked to who he wanted. Til I got out.
I know how hard it is to leave. It will be very difficult for a while, but do you want your child seeing this? Do you want this one life that you have to be spent with this man who is crapping all over you on a daily basis? When I left I had nothing. But you build your way back up in a short enough time.
Could you get some legal advice?

I read other post. You can't keep posting and do nothing if your unhappy.