ExH threatening to cut contact with DS

[Confusedsinglemum1]

ExH has a pattern of going low contact with our DS (8) when he is in a relationship and then when it breaks down making bold statements to him that he has chosen him over what ever GF took his focus away because DS is the greatest, best thing in his life etc and will then request additional access and the flurry of trips, holidays and days out start.
There is one relationship he keeps going back to (months on followed by months off) and when it’s on he lives with this woman. After the last breakup DS has decided he wants nothing to do with this woman.
Since they have been back on ExH has been maintaining contact one weekend a month facilitated at ExH parents house but the last visit ended in disaster as ExH arranged a meeting with his partner without telling DS first so DS point blank refused to participate and demanded to be taken home.
ExH point is that this woman is part of his life so he no longer wants to see DS at grandparents and will take him to her house instead so they need to get on. He feels DS shouldn’t get a say in this.
DS perspective is his dad said he would never get back with this woman so his dad is a liar and he has been clear to him that he does not like this woman so doesn’t want to see her or spend time with her.
ExH now threatening not to see DS if he doesn’t comply with visits at this woman’s house.
I am trying to ease the situation but all the advice from my family/friends is that DS would be better off with zero contact from his dad. The issue is DS adores his father so I know if his dad cut him off completely he would be devastated but equally the impact this cycle has on him is negative. I can see the parallels in my own relationship with ExH when we were together and the cycle of overwhelming love and attention followed by distance, coldness and ultimatums. WWYD?

Honestly, go to mediation. Your ex is being very unreasonable and some professional help might help him understand that his girlfriend is not relevant to contact.

Also, maybe get a little counselling for your boy. He must be very confused.

I'd hold off more contact and propose these things in writing, citing the issues you've put here. Contact is for the child, not the ex.

At this point I'd back your DS. He's threatening to cut contact now, he'll threaten it next time he doesn't like something, and the next. He's already inconsistent. Playing to his tune will only prolong the suffering.

Is his relationship with grandparents stable? Does he enjoy seeing them? Talk to them, set up regular contact with them. If dad wants to visit while he's there he can. Maybe they can be the stability your DS needs.

Your poor son! What a horrible man your ex is. I'd support whatever your DS decision is and if his dad truly is giving his son an ultimatum of no contact I'd be telling him what a nasty thing to do it is that will ruin his relationship with his son forever. Agree with pp who suggested counselling, that is such a difficult thing for a young child to feel.

Your poor son, terrible way to treat an 8 year old ( terrible way to treat any child)
As pp said you could try mediation but I’d back your son. If his father can’t give up one day a week for him , with out his gf, he’s not any sort of father.

Mediation is not recommended if the other party is abusive and he is doing to his son what he did to you when you were together. I would stop all contact with his dad. I would concur with the suggestion made to get some form of counselling for your child; it is not his fault that his father is being an arse.

I haven’t been in contact with ExH’s parents since shortly after the divorce. I called once due to an issue with ExH not responding and DS being in distress and it was made clear to me not to do so again. They facilitate a lot of ExH behaviour and he can do not wrong in their eyes. DS relationship with them is ok but I suspect if ExH cut contact they would also.

Counselling is something I have considered and think I need to look into seriously thanks. DS will often show concern that his dad doesn’t love him as much. It’s difficult to try and compensate for ExH behaviour so that DS doesn’t perceive his value based on ExHs behaviour towards him.

How old is your ds?

@Loverofoxbowlakes 8 as per the second line of the OP.

@Confusedsinglemum1 - I recommend a family therapist. They will do this in a child centred way.

Your ex is wrong and placing his very adult needs above everything else. To put that on children is also wrong. You are right.

Best of luck. I would try a few people and see who your boy clicks with. It could be a very good thing for him. I am sure he feels worried which is not right at such a young age.

@Confusedsinglemum1

I would 'let' DS not see him. Last time he tricked him, no wonder he doesn't trust him! DS has told him he doesn't like her & doesn't want to spend time with her.

Given his father's history of relationships & treatment of DS I wouldn't try to smooth the path as I would if his father was more stable.

I would look at some counselling for DS, but not with a view to getting him to see his father, but just as a place to talk about how it makes him feel that his father always put his relationships before him.

Other than a google search for family therapist near me is there any other way to search for one that you would recommend?
Therapy and counselling seem to be a definite consensus and I think this is something I need to look at facilitating sooner rather than later but wouldn’t know where to start looking.

Currently DS is very much in favour of continuing contact. For him though contact is between him and his father and not his dads GF. He doesn’t have an issue with sharing his dads time with friends or family but has a definite issue with sharing him with his GF.
Given ExH is not the primary care giver and see’s him so little I do agree with him on this.
I am cautious of taking the choice away from DS though but if it was his choice to cut contact I would support him in that.

Given ExH is not the primary care giver and see’s him so little I do agree with him on this.. Understandable, but given how his Dad is, it sounds like this would simply result in no contact anyway. Would his Dad do something different, take him to the park straight after school, or video calls to rebuild the relationship?

I chose to go no contact with my Dad at 10 after he'd again broken a very important promise to me. I don't regret it, I was old enough to make that choice and I knew it would mean I never saw him again. I'm just thankful he's out of my life. I don't feel my 9 year old is mature enough to make a decision like that. It's probably very individual when a child could potentially understand that choice and make an informed decision.

If it were DS choice and he was capable of making this decision with full understanding of the impact as you have described yourself as doing this would be the best option from my perspective.
I feel my position is to support DS in what ever way I can in getting his voice heard and the outcome he wants in this situation. My fear is if contact does stop DS feeling I didn’t support him enough to stop that happening or somehow contributed towards contact ending. Also strongly suspect my ExH would get in touch in later years with a completely different tale of how I stopped contact between them and how he desperately wanted to maintain it. ExH would be a great fiction writer as he has form for rewriting the past so he is either the victim or hero but never the villain.
Video calls are a no go as we are completely non contact other than the day of collection - requested by ExH. So I will make notes through the month on any achievements DS has made or updates eg placing well in his swim heats, school awards etc and then send these to ExH on collection day so he can at least be aware of what his son in doing and actually have something to talk to him about.