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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

When he's laid back and you're interested...

22 replies

RJPALACIO · 25/05/2023 10:49

How do you play it cool?
Please advise.
I'm back in the dating scene again after twenty years.
I've been chatting on WhatsApp to a man and we seem to click on line. We've both said we'd like to meet up but oh my good god, is he laid back!!!
My friend did a bit of research on him as she has a friend who works with him and socialise now and again together and what I got back was that he is very driven and he has a high powered busy role in Government. He takes it very seriously but more relevant, he is horizontal he is so laid back about romance and relationships.

He was in a long term relationship for years . That finished as he has no intention of marriage or having kids. He's mid forties .
Up to recently they have met now and again and slept together but he wants out of this arrangement and so does she. It's become a habit he said.
He is useless to message and it takes him ages to respond but then there is always a genuine and true reasons
This pisses me off at times but it's just the way he is.
I want a fwb type thing , probably more committed than not . Casual but exclusive I guess and so does he.
We want the same thing.

However ... and here is my question... how do I become the catch. I'm a lot more communicative that he via messaging .
I could appear as needy. I'm not but need to come across as cooler than I am presenting at the moment.

Please don't advise me to not play it cool. I know I'm an over thinker and I know that I can appear as needy to someone that laid back .
Thanks for reading everyone 😊

OP posts:

Humanswarm · 25/05/2023 11:10

The problem is, you can only be you. You can try yo be less needy, but them you won't be getting what you want from the situation will you? And he's getting a false you..
You can't change in order to be with someone, no matter what the dynamics of the relationship..

Summerhillsquare · 25/05/2023 11:11

His ongoing relationship with his 'ex' would put me off more than anything.

Netcam · 25/05/2023 11:13

Humanswarm · 25/05/2023 11:10

Totally agree

PaintedEgg · 25/05/2023 11:19

You can only be you - and he can only be himself. FWB is not a thing that you can make exclusive and if someone does not care to message you back you cannot force them to.

The only way you'd become his "cool" is by not wanting anything exclusive, not bothering him with messages, not being bothered when he does not message back and sleeps with whoever else he may be sleeping with. The second you will let on you want anything more you're back to different temperature zone.

and you can never be a catch to someone who is not looking to catch anything or anyone

YukoandHiro · 25/05/2023 11:22

You're massively overthinking if it's casual.

And if it's not casual you want, he's the wrong guy.

He's busy. The country is fucked and he works in politics. We're heading into a general election. Going to suggest he's availability to you won't change in the next 18 months.

If you're cool with that, fine. But sounds like you're not really.

RoseRobot · 25/05/2023 11:22

I'd be utterly turned off by a man like that. Ideally, energy should be balanced - some for work, some for play and fun and romance. He sounds like work consumes him. Very dull to be the partner of a man like that.

But I have a few friends who are with such men and they do all the running. It seems those men end up with women who are prepared to do the lions share of chasing and being tenacious. If they didn't, the relationship would have fizzled out. A friend of mine has been happily married to a man like this for over thirty years. If I'd been with him, we'd not have lasted six months.

Are you really compatible with such a man?

You could invite him on a date, specific place and time, then see how it progresses. Or you could use your friend's insider knowledge to put in a good word for you.

I had a wonderful friend who got her brother interested in someone who liked him by casually saying in front of him, G has such good legs! I wish my hair was as thick as G's etc. It made him notice her and they ended up married. Games playing but harmless fun. I borrowed her trick to make a colleague of mine notice a girl at work. I just mentioned her good points whenever he was around. It worked.

Dacadactyl · 25/05/2023 11:23

I think you went wrong by sleeping with him myself. You don't sound like you want a FWB situation to me. Now that's he knows he's had you when he puts in the barest of minimum effort, you don't seem "a catch"

CheekyHobson · 25/05/2023 11:27

He’s not laid back, he’s emotionally unavailable, and if yo have a tendency to be needy in relationships then it’s no wonder that his unavailability is lighting up your desire to be “the catch”.

Stop wasting your time trying to snare his attention and look for someone who actually DOES want the same thing you want.

KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 25/05/2023 11:31

Eh? OP hasn’t slept with him, they’ve only messaged.

Dacadactyl · 25/05/2023 11:36

@KellyJonesLeatherTrousers Apologies OP, i just re read it and see it's his ex he's sleeping with. More fool her then!

Thisisworsethananticpated · 25/05/2023 21:32

Have you met him ?

Shivvy120 · 25/05/2023 23:13

The sleeping with his ex would be enough to turn me off. Was he doing this while with you? Or just before he was with you?

It seems like you are doing enough on your side. Maybe he just doesn’t want anything else from your arrangement? He’s busy but he managed a long term relationship before so being busy is no excuse for him.

How long does it take him to reply? An hour or two or three is ok… If it’s any longer than this and it’s ALL the time then I’d be thinking he probably just doesn’t want to message.

I think if he doesn’t like messaging then maybe you could try and see him more in person? If the man isn’t giving you any effort then don’t waste your time and energy and hurt your feelings. If he doesn’t want to invest time in you it’s his loss!

Dery · 26/05/2023 08:44

If you’ve not even met him yet, OP, then this is hopeless. It’s not about you playing it cool. It’s about you not allowing someone who can’t even be bothered to meet you to take up your time and emotional energy in this manner. He’s not just laid back - he isn’t interested enough to make the effort to meet in person. I know you just want FWB but you’re better off starting again with someone else.

Dery · 26/05/2023 08:45

And bear in mind that it’s very possible he’s just telling you what he thinks you want to hear.

Boomshock · 26/05/2023 09:39

Please don't advise me to not play it cool.

I'd advise you not to go there at all. You want to know how to be the catch to someone you haven't even met, this already sounds 'needy'. Imagine how bad you'll feel if you develop real feelings for this man and he doesn't develop them back, or he's leaving you on read or you can't get him to commit.

Ilovelurchers · 26/05/2023 09:47

In my experience, sex changes things a lot. You say you are mainly looking for some kind of FWB type deal (maybe with added exclusivity - I am not sure there is a word for that but I do get what you mean). That is leading me to conclude that you enjoy sex and want sex with him.

Therefore if I were you I would have sex with him (provided he is up for it obviously - but make it clear a shag is on the cards and see if he goes for that) and see how things stand after that. If the sexual chemistry between the two of you is great, likely he will love it and perhaps start messaging you more, wanting to see you more etc.

If it doesn't work well you then won't care anyway if he doesn't message. So it's a win win really.

He is very unlikely to love sex with you but not want more of it. Unless he has some weird issues going on - if he does much better you find out now, rather than spending loads more time thinking about him and wondering etc.... I

I know this is far from conventional advice, and it wouldn't work for everyone. But it sounds like you are pretty sexually liberated, as am I. If you are, then it's what I would do.

gannett · 26/05/2023 10:05

The point of an FWB situation is that overthinking shouldn't come into it because it's casual. If you're writing long posts worrying about what he might hypothetically think, that suggests you want something more than casual.

Regardless of whether you want something casual or something serious, playing it cool with someone whose default is to play it cool just isn't going to work.

Pamspeople · 26/05/2023 10:13

If you really did both want the same thing you wouldn't be asking how to pretend to be something you're not! Don't waste your time and energy pretending you don't want what you want, he's not going to change and you'll end up hurt.

Deadringer · 26/05/2023 13:47

I agree with pp, he is not laid back, he is emotionally unavailable. Too much like hard work imo.

Snoopfroggyfrogg · 27/05/2023 12:59

Meh. You're piqued because he is unintentionally playing it so cool. Also because there's competition in the form of an ex he keeps getting drawn back to.

The best thing to do if you genuinely like the sound of him aside of this is to take the initiative to move this into real life. Invite him for a drink or coffee. Suggest a time, not just a vague mention. If he doesn't jump at the chance or suggest another time then throw him back what you're brewing otherwise is a fantasy crush on someone you've never met.

If he just bollocks on about himself forget him. You want someone keen. That is much sexier in reality than waving and shouting (even silently) for attention when someone doesn't really care if you're there or not.

Snoopfroggyfrogg · 27/05/2023 13:01

Oh and it just doesn't sound like relationships are a big deal to him. Don't get bogged down with trying to be the one to change that. With these types, they settle down if and when the timing suits them. The 'who' is secondary.

ArcticSkewer · 27/05/2023 13:02

Mr Unavailable meet Ms Needy. A match made in heaven.

Seriously though, you want a fwb? Should be able to pick and choose. Take a look around at his competition and leave him with his ex, currently his main fwb

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