Red flags you wouldn't think were red flags - or signs a good person has been in a toxic relationship

[Datingagainnamechange]

Add your own - not meant to be entirely serious but equally these are things I've noticed to be wary of since starting dating again.

Overly apologetic about being away from their phone. I'm feeling sorry for the men who are profusely apologising for not messaging for a few hours, what type of partners have they had previously that they're so conscious about accounting for their every move? Red flag, potentially not over their relationship or has issues they're carrying over

No sense of self. By this I mean they want to be in your pocket 24/7 or don't seem capable of being on their own.

There are more I'm sure

On that basis of thought, I could have walked around naked, clothed only in my red flags, and still be able to enter a religious building without issue 🤣🤣

Thankfully I'm actually in the most healthy relationship of my life for almost a decade now, succeeding at life and very happy, as is my partner. Thank god he didn't write me off due the past abuses I had experienced and carried over the behaviour from.

BTW, I am a phenomenal person and my OH is lucky to have me but my god, that feeling of self worth took 40 years to develop.

It's not writing someone off though it's being aware of what your own boundaries are. I've made the mistake of giving someone a chance in the past who really should have gone to therapy, not jumped into a new relationship.

Everyone has a past, it's whether you carry it forward into the next relationship or not is the key

That wouldn’t be a red flag for me at all.I would just reassure that I was fine with it and hope he could stop worrying about it. The older people get, the more positive and negative experiences they will have had and the more they will have been affected by them. Don’t write people off so quickly.

I think there's a tendency to overuse the concept of red flags to mean anything imperfect....

Red flags should be reserved for those things that dealbreakers or will inevitably cause your relationship to be miserable.

"Amber" flags are probably inevitable in any relationship as we're all human, and can be navigated successfully if there's openness and understanding on both sides.

Blaming “exs” for problems ie not seeing their kids enough, having debt, having trust issues etc etc etc… (I’ve heard them all, not me luckily but friends… )) “he’s got so much debt bc HIS EX always wanted to go on expensive holidays and HIS EX bought expensive sofas and HIS EX only worked part time so he ended up having to pay for it all!”

Aye sure. I’m sure that’s what happened.

This tells me two things

1. You have no emotional intelligence, are a man child and have victim mentality.

2. you’re too stupid to know that I don’t believe the “psycho ex” stories and the minute you start blaming all the problems on your ex or exs I know you’re a tosser.

I wish more women would understand that it’s RARELY the exs fault

When I see a friend suddenly loving football, golf, motor racing, etc. (insert anything they hated before) that their new partner is into. It reminds me of Runaway Bride when Richard Gere says something along the lines of, 'you don't even know how you like your eggs cooked.' Anyone whose identity is lost in a relationship, huge red flag.

my exwas like that, guess what ? he beated me up, he was the abuser even he said all her exes were crazy and abusers..

I actually think the over apologising for not replying fast enough is reverse psychology. It's telling you how quick they expect responses. So you start to think 'oh I better reply faster incase they worry'.

I'd say these sorts are more likely to BE controlling.

How I recognise past abuse in people? It depends but possible signs- When you meet them in person they apologise a lot. They self deprecate a lot. They might also clearly explain everything so that you don't misunderstand them. They may look like their self esteem isn't the best via their mannerisms (though things like poor eye contact can be indicators of other things). They may say 'please don't be mad (I was late/spilled that coffee ect)'.

Really though you never know until someone tells you.

Ps: no sense of self is common in abusers too.

Psychopaths and the like adapt themselves to their victims. You like sweets? So do they!

Narcissists mimic other people...take little pieces from them to make up themselves. Then turn those things, that were your hobbies, into their hobbies and make it a competition. They may however, have lots of hobbies (sometimes very superficial level)...but if you look back you'll find a trail of old friends whom they stole them from.

Abused people can be a bit lost when they first leave abusive relationships. But they're in there. If you sense someone 'lacks a sense of self' - fucking run!

So whichever way it floats it's fine for it to not sit right then?

I actually think the over apologising for not replying fast enough is reverse psychology. It's telling you how quick they expect responses. So you start to think 'oh I better reply faster incase they worry'.

I was just going to say this. Often they're setting out their expectations of what they expect from you. Not a red flag as such, but if they do this I make a point of never apologising for giving a slightly delayed reply.

And pps lol:

Needing to live in your pocket?
They're likely love bombers. Who are- abusers.

It's interesting that 3 things you thought were signs of abuse...are all arguably signs of them being abusers imo.

I though H sending me flowers to work every few months was a nice gesture. Wasn't for birthdays or anniversaries. Thought I was very lucky even though I don't really like cut flowers (they just die and then something else to deal with). Nobody else has flowers to work. Turned out he just felt guilty and we couldn't afford them anyway. Much happier without the H and the flowers!

I think for me they're a sign of both, my OP was a bit mixed I suppose. The crux of it is to me those are red flags - whether it's because they're abusive or because they're likely to have a lot of unresolved trauma and need to take some time to heal - for me both are not traits I want in a partner.

Someone who appears very loving and remembers every birthday, wedding anniversary, anniversary of your engagement even, and sends the most beautiful floral bouquets but the flowers keep coming after you separate and you later find out he remembered because he had a standing order with a florist and didn't really remember at all. My exh did this. I was fuming when I found out but I let him keep paying for these flowers for over a year after our divorce until he realised.

I think you just need to stop this idea of 'giving them a chance' even though issues have started to reveal themselves.

Imo giving someone a chance is if 2 dates in its going fantastic and then they arent the best kisser. Maybe they were nervous. That's worth one more date and a bit more kissing to suss out, maybe.

That's the extent of giving someone a chance im fine with.

If they're openly displaying 'off' behaviour that makes me uncomfortable or worried they have issues on a date I'm not really interested in giving more chances. I'm not comfortable. Why would I do that again?

I'm not a therapist.
If people have past trauma they need to work through it as much as possible before dating. I really shouldn't know anything about ìt. There's no need to tell me your ex was nuts over desert on date one. I'll assume you're not over her... or you're trying to sell me a con.

The ony person you owe a chance is you. Trust your instincts if they say he's going to be trouble. For any reason. And get out of there.

Wise words indeed!!!

Absolutely agree!

For me, it’s the ones who upfront tell you about all the trust issues they have because of past relationships. It could well be that they were the victim of abuse, but for me it just says advanced excuse for difficult behaviour. Even when it is honestly and sincerely well meant, it still screams not in a healthy place to have a relationship.

Totally agree. They're telling you they're going to be controlling early on. So they can go 'I told you I had trust issues!' if you call them out on their controlling behaviour. To make you walk on eggshells shells, tolerating shit you shouldn't.

Totally agree with this. No one is owed a chance even if their issues/behaviours are the result of abuse, poor mental health, low self esteem etc. I’ve suffered from all of the above and before I fixed myself with intensive therapy for years I was an absolute nightmare to date and I’m not surprised I got dumped so quickly and frequently. My issues are mine to manage and now I’m in a healthy mindset I’d bail at the first sign of something being amiss. I’ve done my therapy, I’m not here to fix anyone else.

But I don't understand why the OP is focus song on the other person when perhaps they need to focus on their own behaviours.

If you have your own boundaries, why would you care how many times someone might want you to text? Why let someone else dictate your own behaviour or response?

Concentrate on your own self improvement or self belief and esteem and someone else could demand the world, doesnt mean you have to give in to them for it

I'm not focussing on the actions of others though, I have firm boundaries in place and those are two traits I don't want in partners.