Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Told dh I want to separate

24 replies

Realitea · 25/05/2023 08:58

Need some advice please.. I told dh I want to separate. There’s no one else I just feel strong enough to leave now.
He’s extremely angry and telling me how this will ruin dd’s life etc. I worked for him and that brought in the main money for the household. Today he’s stopped it and said I’m ‘fired’. I have no money to cover my personal bills and food. He said he will pay for the food. He keeps telling me to F off but I live here! I can’t move until the council offer me and dd somewhere to go! It’s a shared tenancy. I know I made the right decision but he’s doing everything he can to make this as difficult as possible
What do I do!

OP posts:
AverageJoan · 25/05/2023 09:15

Hi OP. So sorry this is happening. I don't have much advice but didn't want to read and ditch. Regards him 'firing you' can you go to citizens advice and see what your options are?

MumLass · 25/05/2023 09:17

@Realitea I'm sorry that's awful. Regarding him firing you, if you have evidence of being paid a salary you have rights. He can't just sack you. I would get advice on this ASAP.

Original poster
Realitea · 25/05/2023 09:32

I am self employed though so that might change things. I don’t have the same rights as an employee would have (probably)

OP posts:
cocksstrideintheevening · 25/05/2023 09:43

No advice op but what a shit situation.

What's the business set up? You work self employed for his business? Any contracts in place? Terms and conditions?

KitchenSinkLlama · 25/05/2023 09:47

If you are SE but only work for him and he dictates hours and terms, then you are, in all likelihood considered an employee legally. The govt have closed this loophole for employers . He will be responsible for NI, pension etc etc payments for you if the situation is as I have suggested.

I would get looking on line and learn more about your financial position in his company.

Original poster
Realitea · 25/05/2023 09:56

Ok I’ll take a look now. Thank you. I’m going to look at mediation next too. Have no idea what I’m doing but I’m sure they’ll know!

OP posts:
80s · 25/05/2023 10:10

In your position, tbh, I'd be very tempted to pretend his comments had persuaded me to change my mind, and suggest counselling instead (for instance), and see if he took it all back. Then, if he did, secretly plan my departure including housing, getting clued up on financial aspects.

Original poster
Realitea · 25/05/2023 10:13

I feel it’s too late to do that now. However it’s happened before and since then I’ve been on the housing list with the council but didn’t get very clued up on financial things. I’m hoping the mediation will help. I’ve had a look at acas regarding the work aspect and I think it is unfair dismissal.

OP posts:
80s · 25/05/2023 10:16

Whatever happens, it will get sorted out somehow. People aren't just left to sleep on the street in the UK. It was always going to be hard - well done for taking action in a difficult situation.

Sunnyxo · 25/05/2023 10:21

Sorry you're going through that OP. He sounds very toxic, and manipulative. If it's happened before and you're on the waiting list for housing already, could you call them to tell them you're now being asked to move out which would make you homeless? Maybe this would make things move quicker as an urgent case and if you have anyone to stay at in the interim.

Original poster
Realitea · 25/05/2023 10:26

You’re right, he’s become very toxic and manipulative, I am really shocked actually. I know it’s upsetting but the true colours are really coming out now. I’ll speak to the housing officer and see if there is anything that can be done.

OP posts:
perfectcolourfound · 25/05/2023 10:41

Awful as this situation is, he's helping you by showing you that you're doing the right thing!

If you had any doubts whatsoever about leaving him, he's helping to prove what he is.

You will get through this. Seek as much support as you, IRL as well as on here, and professional help as well as moral support. Re the firing, your financial situation, and divorce.

He is angry that you've taken control and he's lashing out. He won't win.

billy1966 · 25/05/2023 10:46

Get on to Women's aid for advice.

Tell the housing officer he is abusive.

Any hint of violence or aggressive behaviour call the police.

Original poster
Realitea · 25/05/2023 11:33

Thank you. I do feel very uneasy at the moment. You’re right it’s showed me I’m making the right decision which does help!
I’ve contacted the housing officer and rights of women. He’s not aggressive but extremely angry with the situation. Financially abusive yes possibly, by cutting off any money I should have access to.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 25/05/2023 13:28

I would suggest you ring 101 and ask for a marker on your home.

Tell them that he is very angry and you are scared and that you have a child.

Tell them you work for him and he is refusing to pay you.

Tell the housing officer that you have contacted the police.

You are being abused.

This is not a good man.

His anger makes him u predictable.

Original poster
Realitea · 25/05/2023 13:40

Thank you. All advice is so appreciated right now

OP posts:
Deathbyfluffy · 25/05/2023 13:45

Out of interest, why are you leaving him?
I can understand wanting to if he's cheated or done something terrible, but if it's a 'bolt out of the blue' and he feels unfairly treated then of course he'll react badly.

I do note on your other thread in May you found new friends and interests etc, it'd be a shame if you were walking away from your marriage just because you feel there's more excitement to be had outside of it.

Zarataralara · 25/05/2023 13:59

I found ACAS helpful. Your stbexh could have been counting you as self employed to benefit his finances.
And if this is correct and maybe his bookkeeping/ tax paying isn’t all it is you can always shop him to HMRC in the future. ( I did after ex h screwed me over financially )
I hope everything works out for you.

unsync · 25/05/2023 14:36

Don't leave your housing. Are you private or council tenants?

If you feel threatened by him in the home, please call the Police. They can remove him.

80s · 25/05/2023 14:41

if it's a 'bolt out of the blue' and he feels unfairly treated then of course he'll react badly. ... it'd be a shame if you were walking away from your marriage just because you feel there's more excitement to be had outside of it
People don't break up a family out of boredom. Even if they did, that would not entitle their partner to cut off their access to the money they need to live, or excuse that behaviour at all. It's sad to see that some people live in a world where this type of behaviour appears understandable.

TheoTheopolis23 · 25/05/2023 15:46

Deathbyfluffy · 25/05/2023 13:45

Out of interest, why are you leaving him?
I can understand wanting to if he's cheated or done something terrible, but if it's a 'bolt out of the blue' and he feels unfairly treated then of course he'll react badly.

I do note on your other thread in May you found new friends and interests etc, it'd be a shame if you were walking away from your marriage just because you feel there's more excitement to be had outside of it.

Ah, so people are only justified in leaving a marriage if their partner has cheated on them or done something "terrible".

Gotcha.

Most people but above all most women never leave marriages easily. I would imagine the op has reason. Byt even if she didn't have a "reason" other than no longer wanting to be in the marriage; that's her perogative.

Men certainly use their perogative to end marriages on a very regular basis (usually after setting up another woman).

TheoTheopolis23 · 25/05/2023 15:49

Deathbyfluffy · 25/05/2023 13:45

Out of interest, why are you leaving him?
I can understand wanting to if he's cheated or done something terrible, but if it's a 'bolt out of the blue' and he feels unfairly treated then of course he'll react badly.

I do note on your other thread in May you found new friends and interests etc, it'd be a shame if you were walking away from your marriage just because you feel there's more excitement to be had outside of it.

Your post reminds by of a quote used in a Victorian novel (no doubt the author had heard it in real life) that a particular married woman had had no reason or right to leave her husband unless she'd he subjected to physical violence (and to a major, extreme level of violence at that) ...... That was written in the 1800s. 2023 and we're still here with some people apparently.

Beaverbridge · 25/05/2023 17:16

OP doesn't have to give reasons on here why she wants to leave. Good luck hope you get some help moving forward.

Original poster
Realitea · 25/05/2023 19:01

Thank you. I was going to reply to the poster who asked but I don’t feel I need to explain the ins and outs on here to justify my decision.
luckily dh has calmed down a lot and we’ve talked and things are much better now. We are separating but I’m glad it is being done in a more mature manner now.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread