DH not listening to me, how do I deal with this?

[Breehinny]

The past few months I feel like my DH just isn’t listening to me at all, I find myself having to ask him to pay attention when I’m speaking, or having to repeat myself when I’ve literally just said the thing he’s asked me about a second later. This is especially worse when I’m talking about any issues I’m having, or health issues that I’m facing. He often shuts down as well and just doesn’t reply to things, when I ask him what his thoughts are he says he doesn’t have anything to say. Usually I immediately confront him about this and then he will give something back but I feel like I shouldn’t have to ask, I’ve even told him I don’t expect him to have the answer or anything but just converse with me and comfort me, the way I do with him when he’s having a problem. It’s really getting me down recently, because we lead such busy lives I don’t see friends or family that often, just my coworkers who I’m not that close with yet as I’ve just started a new job.

When I say he isn’t listening to me, I don’t mean that I’m nagging or asking him to do something either and he’s switching off or forgetting what I’ve asked him, he will literally barely look at me mid conversation. He’s amazing in all other aspects but lately this is just a big thing and I don’t know how to change this? I have spoken to him about it many times, but it’s obviously not getting through.

Does he smoke weed? My ex was literally just like this. And a weed smoker.
Ignorant git!

Sorry if this sounds awful, but are you having lots of health issues and needing lots of comfort and reassurance, and wanting to talk about the same thing (so all the time), and while of course relationships are 'in sickness and health' sometimes we can get compassion fatigue. Of course if you're just wanting to generally chat and he ignores you whatever that's unfair.

No he doesn’t smoke weed thank god 😊

Yeah I can understand that, sometimes I do talk about the same thing but it’s not everyday, and sometimes I’m just trying to keep him updated on what’s going on with my appointments etc. because these things could end up affecting the relationship in the future. But I can literally say “I’ve got a doctors appointment next week they’re doing more blood tests blah blah blah” and his reply will be “are they planning more blood tests then?” Like I literally just said that! That may be a bad example but it’s somewhat of an idea. It seems to be happening during text messages now too and it’s really frustrating me.

and his reply will be “are they planning more blood tests then?” Like I literally just said that!

Could he be upset and worried about your health issues so he's not taking it all in at once, he genuinely needs you to repeat it? Maybe he's registered that you said something about blood tests but that's all. So one answer is "yeah, that's right..." and then repeat the rest.

Dunno about the text messages though. It's as if he wants to say something but can't think what to say? Maybe there's a big unspoken worry that he can't put into words, like what the tests might mean, are you getting worse, that kind of thing? And he doesn't know how to get into it, doesn't know how to be sympathetic without getting into it, maybe doesn't want to get into right then because it's too difficult?

Is he the kind of nice bloke who bottles up a lot of his own deepest feelings, doesn't want to face them, or is a bit inarticulate about them? When was the last time you had a really deep conversation with him about your health and your future?

I think you might be right, he really does bottle things up and doesn’t know how to say things, at least when it comes to my health. It seems like he goes pretty serious when I bring it up, even if we were laughing and joking about something previously. I think he’s concerned and doesn’t know how to talk about it, but on another hand sometimes I do feel like he doesn’t take my health issues seriously, because I’m having lots of tests done at the moment but no official diagnosis’, I only say this because previously he’s made comments about there always being something wrong, and he made a comment once about using my symptoms as an excuse to not do house work etc. when I’m really fatigued, but he did apologise for this.

I just need an in depth conversation with him about how I’m feeling, let him express how he’s feeling and go from there. It is like getting blood out of a stone sometimes though, unless he’s had a few drinks, in which case he’s an open book. My only issue now is that I’m going to need to wait until Monday for this talk because he’s away all weekend. :(

Is it specifically you / your health related issues he doesn't listen to, or your conversation generally?

Does he listen when it's something that might benefit him?
Does he listen when it's something that would be to his disadvantage if he didn't engage?

By that I mean, if you said 'I'm thinking of buying a new xx (expensive thing) you've no objections have you?' Would he listen then?

It seems like he goes pretty serious when I bring it up, even if we were laughing and joking about something previously.

But it’s not appropriate op to bring up a negative subject like health issues when you are having a nice time, and people don’t like being ambushed like that. It bums people out.

He has told you with his silence that he doesn’t want to regularly discuss these issues. Perhaps he previously said things like let’s wait for the results and take it from there and you didn’t pick up on it.Blood tests are a routine thing and don’t require a massive conversation. I wouldn’t text somebody about that. What did you want him to say?

You don’t need a big in-depth chat with him. You know how he feels about this. You need to stop using him to regulate your anxiety. Because talking about this obviously eases your anxiety but increases his.

Does every conversation come back to your health and become quite 'down'?
Is the 'talk' you want to have about his interest in your health or a general talk?

Just to be clear, I am not ambushing him, we might have been talking about our days and the appointments might have been part of it. Plus it is not only when I bring health issues up, it is during other times too which is why I find it frustrating. And just another thing to clear up, I did not say I have text him about blood tests, I said that the not listening has started happening over text.

I do understand what you’re saying, and I will be more mindful going forward. That said, if he was having health issues and having tests I would want to know, because I care about him obviously, and would actively want to know what’s happening and when his appointments are, want to reassure him that things will be okay.

What I need to speak to him about is why he is tuning out during some conversations, because silence is not an answer unfortunately, silence is the complete opposite. You can’t have a healthy relationship without having difficult or deep conversations sometimes.