Dating someone but I want to take it slow - but how?

[Myownself]

I've been on a couple of dates with someone who I've known for many years. I broke up with someone almost 2.5 years ago now, he hurt me a lot and I vowed never to get involved with anyone again. However, I would like to give this nice man a chance, but I'm still not ready to get into a full blown relationship yet - I'm actually scared. it took me about 18 months to get over my ex.

Is it okay to say to him I want to take things really slowly, and really what does this mean?

I'd say just be honest as you go along. I mean if things are going really well but you don't want to rush into putting a label on things then you could always discuss whether you're on the same page about dating others etc if that's important to you, for example. Its okay to still not be ready- just be honest about it.

He knows I was hurt and that I'm a bit wary, but as I say, I'd like to give him a chance, even though I don't feel quite ready for a full-on relationship yet - but it's over two years, which is a good bit of time, I suppose.

Going slow can mean anything you want it to. Just go at your own pace. If you feel under any pressure to move things on more quickly than you're comfortable with then either he's not the right person for you or you're just not ready to be dating yet, which is fine. There are no rules on how long you want to be single, whether that's two months, two years or two decades.
If he's the lovely man you believe, he'll be happy to let you take the lead so try relax and enjoy your dates and eaxh other's company.
Good luck

Honestly, I don’t think you should mess him about. You’ve known him for many years so you don’t need to date him to know whether you want to have sex with him, love him etc.

If you’re not ready for that, that’s absolutely fine, but I don’t think you need to experiment on him before you decide. Not fair on him, IMO.

I’d be clear what you mean by slow for a start.

Are you talking no sex, no staying over, not labelling it, not introducing each other to friends and family etc? Or just seeing each other once a week but not pressuring each other for more.

Before telling him you need to be clear what you are and are not ready for.

I’ve just started seeing someone and we’re taking it very steady - one date a week, didn’t even kiss until date 4 but he texts me every day with kisses, seems interested in what I’m up to etc. I’d much rather that than have someone who is quick to have sex but doesn’t want to build a friendship alongside it.

Everyone’s pace is different and I did have to kind of push the point that we hadn’t kissed yet and that I didn’t want us to friend zone each other, as that has happened a few times over the last year or so, going on 4 ,5, 6 dates but never so much as a kiss, so the moment just passes.

OK so I know you knew this guy so he probably has an idea of your history but...that's not ideal. I'd always advise NEVER mentioning past abuse to a new person. They can take it as a green light that you will tolerate that shit again.

Secondly, what have you done to help ensure you will never date a rotten man again?

Freedom programme is always a good idea. And tons of reading up on how to spot red flags of abusers. If these aren't ringing bells, you're not wise to date again atm. You'll attract more of the same men and get stuck with them again.

Even if they seem nice now... they often do...in the beginning.

Now I'm assuming there was abuse tbf. Maybe he was 'just' a cheat. And everything up till that point was great.

But if there was abuse you have to do the self work so you don't get stuck in a cycle. A big part of that is feeling ready to date again yes. But the most important part is learning how to spot abusers qnd being able to trust yourself to run at the first indication or instinct of trouble.