Don't know if im being unduly jealous?

[Mentionitismethinks]

Never really been the jealous type; been with DP 4yrs and own a house together.

Early on in our relationship a woman started at DPs company and i just KNEW he fancied her. They share an interest and...i just knew, y'know? But, i was also very confident he wouldnt act on it and she has a partner she seems very happy with and i dont think anything has happened.

Years later, said woman has left company under a cloud. I thought that would be that, but DP has initiated contact with her now she is no longer a colleague. He's not being secretive but i could tell he was gutted when she wasnt answering him. Now though she has got back in touch and i saw over his shoulder (and he wasnt attempting to hide anything) they are writing essays to each other, largely discussing the work fallout but lots of DP generally being caring and promising to be in touch, 'call round' etc.

I admit i'm a bit hurt by it because he does shut me down a lot and we've had strong words numerous times lately about how he just doesnt seem INTERESTED in me, seems to find conversation with me boring. He has been making an effort though and things have been a bit better but i cant get rid of the nagging feeling that i shouldnt have to beg him to find me interesting 🤣

I dont know if im a bit intolerant since gaslighting narc exDH turned me into a bitter old battleaxe. Jealousy is a new one for me, should i be 100% fine with this friendship happening even though i know he fancies her a bit!!

It’s both issues really; he clearly finds her interesting and wants to message her but doesn’t make the effort with you. It’s disrespectful to you and it’s not ok.

No, it's not OK.

A normal friendship wouldn't cause him to turn away from you. I have a close male friend who struggles with his mental health. I say similar things to him but my partner has met him several times, also considers him a friend and none of it is hidden. Plus, it doesn't affect how I behave towards partner.

Oh, and I don't fancy him.

It’s normally for people to have friends at work. However it’s not normal to spend excess time and attention on them while ignoring your partner.

I wonder if you could, in as least confrontational way as possible, point it out to him and tell him how it’s making you feel? You spoken about him not being interested so he knows it’s an issue.

@Mentionitismethinks, it’s no wonder that you feel unsettled.

Your Partner has been investing his emotional energy, time and attention into this woman he fancies, while simultaneously showing a diminished interest in you. He was pining when she didn’t initially respond to him, but now that she’s reciprocated, they’ve escalated contact with long messages and he is reaching out with care and speaking of going round there.

It sounds like he’s indulging his crush to play KISA to her Damsel. That he’s been shutting you down and you have to challenge him for crumbs speaks volumes. You don’t have to tolerate his devaluation, @Mentionitismethinks. You know that you deserve to feel cherished and respected.

I’d move on and leave him to it.

You can have friends of the opposite sex, most of mine are, but if you treat them more like your partner and treat your partner a bit like shit, something has gone very wrong.

Watching my partner moon over another woman, write screeds of text to her, promising to make a fuss of her, all the while arguing with him because he gives no shits about me, would piss me off.

Id be very concerned here too

for all the reasons mentioned above

this isn’t you being jealous

It's not you, it's him. Question is, what are you going to do about it? For me it would be ultimatum time.

The reason you are feeling jealous is because he is giving you reason to do so. Something isn't quite right, your gut is telling you this. If it was a normal casual friendship you wouldn't be feelingt he way you are. He is too invested in this woman. Whether he'd act on that is another story, but the fact he is so invested and as a consequence not as invested in you is dangerous ground.

You need to speak to him and tell him how you feel about it. If its nothing and he has no feelings for her, he'd respect what youa re saying and realise how its looking - and stop it. He can of course still be friends, but he should make sure its all very transparant and not at the expense of his relationship with you. What I mean is, if its nothing to worry about, his automatic response would be to reassure you and ensure he is open about everything with her. If he gets defensive or tells you its nothing to do with you, then you have a bigger problem on your hands.

Yeah im going to have a chat shortly because he's been arranging things with her today and brought her up again 🙄

…he’s been arranging things with her today and brought her up again.

@Mentionitismethinks, you do need to set a boundary re what you won’t accept in your relationship. OW is in your P’s head and he’s acting on his infatuation with the mentionitis, ramped up contact, and arranging to meet. It sounds like she is reciprocating, which means they’re in emotional affair territory in plain sight.

I would advise getting a copy of Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass for you both to read. She explains the danger of blurred lines that occurs when one removes emotional energy from the spouse/partner and channels it to a third party. P has been distancing himself from you while opening a window to OW.

@Mentionitismethinks, if he dismisses your feelings and boundaries, you’ll need to act accordingly. He needs to understand what he stands to lose.