Anybody awake to talk?

[Minimalme]

Just before bed tonight I drank dh's orange squash left over in his mug to take my medication.

It was vodka.

He's been secretly drinking for the last year.

And lying to me.

In Nov I discovered he was secretly taking codeine and in 2019 he gave up alcohol. Ha fucking ha.

I have told him he has to decide if he wants me or alcohol. He hasn't said much at all. I am worried that's because he knows he isn't going to choose me.

We've been together 20 years. He is kind and funny, loyal and hardworking.

I grew up with an alcoholic Father. I am 50 this year and my life has gone to shit.

I have told him he needs to see his GP and engage with AA/NHS abstinence programs if he wants to stay in the house. I dunno if he will.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. My sister is an alcoholic. She has been sober for a few years now but we had 10 years of hell.

what I will say is telling an addict what they have to do never works. I would rage with the various services when they would tell me there was nothing they could do for her because she wasn’t engaging or ready. They were proved right time and again when she would not attend or relapse.

you need to focus on your own needs I’m afraid. Unless he is truly ready in my experience you will be in a cycle of feeling let down by lies and disappointment. Addicts are very clever at getting what they want.

Im up @Minimalme. What an awful way to find out. Trouble is, at this time of ‘your’ morning, the brain doesn’t work too well. (IMHO)

Sounds like this has been going on for a while… codeine, alcohol etc.
Do you have kids? It must be impacting them a fair bit too.

There are two options, I guess…

• he decides to clean up his act

• he doesn’t decide to clean up his act, and his addictions are stronger than his need to keep his family together.

It’s certainly NOT your fault. You can support him as much as you can, but the impetus has to come from HIM and not you.

Get some sleep. You will feel better and more able to think about it in the morning.

I can't sleep. I have researched AA and NHS addiction services where we live and sent them to his phone.

It does impact the kids. He used to disappear every evening before I found out about the codeine. He has been so much better but has hidden the drinking really bloody well.

He has to make a decision - it's up to him.

My Dad went through years making a big show of 'giving up' and the disappointment is something I won't live through again.

I am so sad. I have loved him so well during our 20 years. I am NC with my birth family and building a happy, stable life with him for our dc was my greatest achievement.

I am close with dh Mum. I will go see her tomorrow. If he doesn't choose sobriety, he will have to live with her until he gets his own place.

Is that unfair of me? I love him but I can't do this. He has lied and lied.

My mother was a drug addict. I’m 56 now, and I’m a man by the way but I was stalking the property rice forums and I can’t sleep and this cropped up and I had to reply.

my mother had been a nurse and midwife and it was prescription medication that she abused. At the time she could just get it from work.

I used to come home from school and she was blown in a puddle of her own piss on the floor.

every now and then hospital used to take her in to dry out, and she’d make a big performance of no more drugs and throw them down the toilet one at a time and a week later she was blown again.

she never gave up and died of multiple organ failure at 48.

I've no advice for how you live or what decisions you make but your husband is unlikely to get straight.

addicts usually don’t get straight and they usually seriously damage the rest of the family.

good luck.

You have done the right thing OP.

I know...I am so, so sad that he might not get sober.

I keep thinking of the elaborate lies to hide his drinking and how I genuinely thought he had quit for good.

He knows I wont tolerate addiction so he just hid it better.

Fuck. I need to sleep. I have three dc and the middle child is very disabled and requires a high level of daytime care.

I am going to try to sleep. He is sleeping. How can he sleep?

He’s got a chemical dependence. It’s an addiction. He can’t easily make decisions we see as coherent like deciding to give up / quit etc..

he obviously still loves you and loves the family or he wouldn’t be hiding it..this makes the whole thing a load more difficult.

it’s very difficult for the survivors, and that’s what they call us, survivors.

you’re in the middle of it and I’m looking back on it now 35 years ago. It seems like many lives age, hundreds of years - it was a totally different life.

I didn’t want to know my mother and it took me a decade after she died to forgive her - which was what I had to do to move on.

I visited her grave 10 years after she died and told her I forgave her. And I had forgiven her. And that was a turning point in my life because i got closure on it.

you need to do what you need to do to survive this.

you will get through it

He's sleeping because the alcohol has knocked him out.

You must be heartbroken 💔 unfortunately alcoholics are addicted and extremely selfish. The best thing u can do is leave. You can't have him causing you and your kids more harm. I speak from bitter experience! I know it's really hard to make that break but you must, for your kids, for you....They are being affected. Could u go stay with your parents for support? Take care

I’m so sorry.
Al-Anon helps the families of alcoholics https://al-anonuk.org.uk/
You can only encourage your DH to engage with AA et al but if he won’t , he won’t. I felt such relief when my ex-husband went to an AA meeting but it was just the one, he wouldn’t go back. Lied about another counselling service he went to ( I’m not sure he even attended ) and refused help his GP offered.
All you can do is offer the options but do get support for yourself.

Thoughts to you my sons dad is an addict clean and sober 19 years until 2020 he’s been in and out of the fellowship since then I wish you great fortitude ♥️

My son is beyond disappointed in his sad he is 19 and he also has the most gorgeous 6 year old and most loveliest wife it’s bullshit

Thank you for standing with me. I am contacting Al Anon this morning.

I attended a group when I was 20 to try and make sense of my Dad's alcoholism.

I have told dh that unless he engages with help, he will have to leave.

I am so sad but I just need to get through this and keep it good for the kids.