Need to get over this ridiculous crush

[ItsJustJust]

I’m early 30s, married 6 years, two children under 3 including a 9mo. Things have been difficult particularly since the baby came, lots of arguing, and no sex. But fundamentally I love DH.

Separate to this I’ve been going through the criminal court process for a driving offence (a stupid offence on my part, nobody was harmed, no likelihood of jail or anything like that but still serious and a huge regret of mine). For various reasons this has been hanging over me/us for 3 years and is now finally going to be resolved. Obviously that’s been very tough going and along with a new baby, the stress has been a cause of a lot of the arguments.

But - and this seems so ridiculous to now be typing out - I have developed an absolute head-over-heels crush on my barrister. Of course I’m not going to act on it. But I can’t get him out of my head. I need to give my head a wobble and get over it but I feel like I’m 17 again. I haven’t had anything at all like this happen as an adult. What worries me most though is I feel like it’s affecting how I feel about DH, because I’m making comparisons and suddenly finding DH unattractive comparatively. Has anyone developed a crush as an adult, is it normal and is my relationship salvageable?

Of course absolutely normal! Letting it completely consume your life isn't though, I presume very soon you will stop seeing him?

Entirely normal. They pass, and as a pp said, presumably your contact with him is about to end once the case is over?

I dont no why I've got this site on my email as I'm a male 🤷‍♀️ but i seen this post and had too comment I just want to say you chase what you like there ain't enough people out there that just tell others they like them 15 or 55 you get no where being quiet what have you got to lose

Yes - I think next week will likely be the last time I see him. He’s been completely professional, except he weirdly rang me twice late at night one day last week (around 11:30). No voicemail and hasn’t mentioned it since so it could well have been an accident but it hasn’t helped my wandering mind!

I need to work on sorting things out properly with DH though. I never thought I’d be someone who would even contemplate cheating etc.

This too shall pass. What helped me: keeping busy, taking up a new hobby, spending more time with partner and kids. It'll soon fade

I worked in the legal system for many years and no way would/should a barrister have contacted a client directly by telephone. All dealings were done via the solicitor or in a face to face meeting with the solicitor present. Or possibly using Zoom but again with the solicitor present.
A barrister ringing a client directly, and in particular at 11.30pm just doesn't sound right.

@Knowledge123@Knowledge123 what's she got to lose??? Oh just the small matter of a husband and kids, minor irritation really.... 🙄

@baileys6904 I did start typing out a response along those lines but decided to go to sleep instead 😂

@LadyB49 I didn’t realise that. I have got a solicitor too, but I’m paying for everything privately so I don’t know if that makes a difference. We have had conversations on the phone as the case has progressed though but again, strictly professional, not even any small talk really!

I think it's very easy to crush on someone who's helping/"rescuing" you and who has specialist knowledge and skills in an area you're delving into at that time.

Myself and an acquaintance noticed this a out sailing instructors (very different from barristers I know but similar in principle) when learning to sail. They are skilled and knowledgeable in something you're not, and theyre constantly rescuing you (from capzises, from heading in the wrong direction) etc.

They are competent and in authority and that is very attractive. Very easy to crush on.

I think the sailing instructors we met had, if remotely attractive, a line of ex novice sailors as their bed mates.

ItsJustJust whether paying privately or on Legal Aid should make no difference to the service you receive.

Crushing on someone gorgeous isn’t unusual. How long have you been feeling like this? In my experience it generally takes a couple of months for these sort of feelings to pass. You will probably still find the person cute but the obsessive feelings will go away.

Other than her husband .... yeah nothing to lose 🤷🏼‍♀️

OP hopefully it will be out of sight and out of mind once you stop seeing him regularly.

Hi @ItsJustJust i totally hear you! I remember our barrister was gorgeous too, i think it was his knowledge and confidence. I think it's just a crush, it will pass xx

Back on this particular scenario; if you followed your crush through to it's "natural" co conclusion; what do you think will happen?

Is it likely that this (maybe not single) barrister would say "oh, I'm so glad you said that; I really want to get involved with a former client who's married/divorced with 3 kids".

No offence but it's unlikely to go anywhere. Other than embarrassment.

And he probably can't mess with former clients anyway.

@TheoTheopolis23 This is really accurate. I think part of this is definitely a bit of mourning for the fact that I don’t have the freedom and lack of baggage (and body) I had in my early 20s. Obviously that’s life and it happens to everyone but I don’t think it helps matters.

Thank you everyone who has commented though. The “rescuing” thing is also (quite embarrassingly) true too!

OP a crush is totally normal. We are not blind.

Don't feed it (yes I know it's hard not to fantasise - been there) but believe me it will pass.

In 3 months you'll have gotten over it.

@AhNowTed and @TheoTheopolis23 have nailed it. The way I see it: there would be no need for marriage vows if we all just ceased noticing others once we’re married. The whole point of commitment is not that we never feel attracted to others, it’s that we put our love for our partners above passing attraction to others. And if someone is rescuing you from a painful situation, that can make them very attractive. I developed quite a crush on a chiropractor I was seeing for treatment for a while 😀.

This is probably some sort of transference. Google “therapist transference”. I know he’s not a therapist but he is still in a role where he is listening to you and helping you and being your saviour. But it’s not real.

It’s very common it happened to me and I was devastated when the professional relationship ended.

You just need to recognise it for what it is, hopefully put the driving thing behind you and move on from it.

It seems like it will be okay for you OP as you are thinking of it as just a 'crush' and you don't have problems in your relationship. In my case the person took over my life. Not a barrister, but someone who was making my dreams come true in a different way, had power over me etc. He was also attracted to me at the start and behaved quite badly. My feelings for him, which I think were trauma related, took over my life. We were working together for seven years, during which time I left my marriage. It never became a relationship, I feel he played with my devoted feelings, and I was also far too obsessive and anxious. In the end he terminated our working relationship in a very cruel way, which obviously meant our personal one was gone too. It was absolutely devastating, but also, I am free of what was a terribly destructive half fantasy, half abusive relationship, which left no room for anything. I am able to grieve and mourn what I'd hoped it would be, that it never was. My marriage was meant to end, so it did not destroy my life, it simply sucked a lot of joy out for a lot of years. I think 'crushes' as a married adult are telling you something, and it is wise to listen.

In a court case we were involved with we were never allowed to discuss the case with our barrister without our solicitor present. If the solicitor left the room we had to make small talk until he returned. I wonder is your barrister crossing boundaries.

@junebirthdaygirl The comments about that have made me question it to be honest. I do get the impression with criminal law there is maybe more contact at court without the solicitor (because there’s so much going on there isn’t necessarily a solicitor available to attend) but we have had a couple of conferences in person and calls etc without the solicitor where they probably could/should have been involved. So it’s confused things a bit for me in the sense that between that and the late night phone calls maybe there is some element of returned feelings, which isn’t exactly helpful.

Sorry to hear about your experience @Captainfairylights - I hope you are in a better place now x

But anyway. No reason for contact after next week and then I can just let my thoughts fade away!