I don’t know how to get out of this

[Ginisalwaystheanswer]

Hi, I’m new here and I need some advice please. This going to be long, I’m sorry.
I’ve been with my husband over 20 years and we have 2 kids of 12 and 5.
Our relationship hasn’t always been great and to be honest I feel like we should have split years ago.
Many of our issues I would say are down to him and how he’s treated me, but I don’t really want to get in to the nitty gritty of it all here. I will just say that I’ve spent a long time unhappy and waiting and hoping for things to get better, they never do.
About a month ago I told him I’ve had enough and I want out. We were planning to add an extension to our very small house and I told him I no longer want that commitment.
He acted shocked, like he totally wasn’t expecting it, despite the fact that there’s no affection in our marriage, hardly any respect in some cases, and we were both just miserable - a lot of this caused by his awful moods. We’re basically sticking together for the kids.
He said he doesn’t want any of this and he’s not moving out, so if I want out then we’ll need to sell the house, and he wants 50/50 custody of the kids and it’s only fair we can both get a decent sized house each. But I don’t know how he thinks that’s going to happen! I think he knows it’s not, so he’s putting all the onus on me to sort everything if this is what I want.
A big problem is that the house isn’t really in sellable condition, and needs work. I’ve been told that if we sell as it is we could lose around £20k, where as the cost of the work will be around £2k. But we don’t currently have the £2k to spend.
I can’t afford to just leave, and rent somewhere for me and the kids, and he knows that. He doesn’t want to take over the mortgage (meaning me & the kids leave and rent) and he doesn’t want me to do that either. He says he can’t afford it on his own (more like he doesn’t want to!)
So I’m trapped in this situation, and meanwhile husband is happy to carry on like nothing’s happened and play happy families. We don’t even have a spare room!
At the moment he’s acting all ‘normal’ and ‘nice’. It’s like he’s had a personality transplant! But I know it won’t last long.
I can’t be stuck here in 10 years time and wishing I’d done something about it.
But also, I don’t want to cause massive upheaval for the kids, which I guess is why I put this off so long.
His family aren’t speaking to me (we were all pretty close) and I’m being made out to be the bad guy here. For saying I’m not happy.
I don’t want to carry on as we are.
Do I file for divorce, and put the house on the market, and suck up the big loss? Is there another way?
work is hard and stressful right now, and this whole situation is getting me down so much. I feel stupid for thinking this would have somehow been easier, and like I may as well just back down and carry on :-(
people always you should leave an unhappy marriage/bad situation, but in reality, how the hell do you go about this? Leave and go where?!
what other do people do???

I always find it weird when people react like this, especially families of the spouse. Why would they want their son / brother / whatever to be with someone who wasn’t happy?! The board is full of threads where men have cheated to end their marriage and the response is always how cowardly this is, why didn’t they just say they were unhappy?!

you’re not the bad guy. But people don’t like hearing the truth!

The way I did it was to find somewhere to rent and then just move out. I didn't pay anything towards the mortgage and just left him to deal with it. I had my own life to live, and my DC to look after. DH had to face reality otherwise the mortgage company would just evict him. If you don't have enough cash to do this, get a job? Or a better job?

I do have a job, I work full time.
I’d just struggle to pay the £1000+ per month everywhere seems to be asking. I keep looking but there’s so little available I can afford.

I think you need legal advise. Dont move out until you have sought that advice out first. Most solicitors will give 30 minutes free consultation. Write down all your questions you want to ask prior to contact. Such as can you live in the house until your kids are 18 years of age.

Hopefully someone more knowledgeable will come along but seek legal advice

As well as legal advice check to see what benefits you could be entitled to, housing benefit, UC etc.- most people assume working means they are not entitled to anything and are actually surprised to find that’s not the case.

Personally I think in the long run, spending 2k on home improvement is an investment to ensure that you get what you need from the sale to get you on your feet.

it’s a small pain for big gain, both financially and mentally.
Is there any way to pay each job separately, or are you able to put money aside each month towards the cost?
It may mean you have stay where you are longer than you like, but it’s something to work towards which will immediately make you feel better.

OP if the work needed will prevent the 20k loss do you have anyone you can ask for the money? Or can you find a credit card 0% - use that the pay the 2k, then pay if off once the house sells? It's not ideal, however if 2k is the only thing keeping you stuck, then there is a way out.