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Relationships

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Original poster

All the things he doesn’t say

20 replies

HarrysTiles · 24/05/2023 16:38

Struggling a bit with my relationship and trying to pin down what it is.

On the surface, he’s a good guy - responsible, kind and funny.

What’s bothering me is that the relationship feels a bit… superficial, somehow.

We each have children, who get on well with each other. We’ve been on holidays and have spent Christmas and Easter, etc together. We’ve been together for four years.

Day to day, though, I feel like BF keeps me at arms length.

I’ve met his parents and sister once in all the time we’ve been together, (although he’s more than happy to meet my extended family, join in on special occasions, etc), we don’t share friends or any interests away from TV and films.

What’s bothering me more at the moment, though, is that he leaves out a lot of detail about his life. I don’t expect him to tell me everything, obviously - but things like not mentioning that he’s finishing work early, doing something unusual at work, that his parents are away on holiday, his sister has a new job - all the little things that (I think), you would normally chat about.

There’s no drive from him to develop our relationship any further than where it is now - and it’s all just making me wonder what the point is?

OP posts:

DiscoHippo · 24/05/2023 16:40

It’s hard to pinpoint if there’s a problem from
simply what you say - after all, everyone has their own speed and set of expectations when it comes to a relationship. But the way you feel is definitely telling you that your needs aren’t being met, there’s no real convergence, and, I think, you’re reluctant to talk it over with him. So by that metric, yes, I’d say there’s an issue.

EmptyBedBlues · 24/05/2023 16:41

Well, how long have you been together? And what is it that you want from the relationship? Moving in together, blending families? Maybe he’s just not that family-minded, or chatty

Tannedandfake · 24/05/2023 16:41

Does your DP have a good relationship with his family? Are they close?

OhComeOnFFS · 24/05/2023 16:44

There's absolutely no harm in recognising that the relationship isn't working for you. It's great for your mental health to put in boundaries and to not accept behaviour which doesn't nourish you.

How would you feel about ending things? What would you miss?

RandomMess · 24/05/2023 16:46

Perhaps you just don't have an emotional connection?

ComtesseDeSpair · 24/05/2023 16:47

Do you live together? You don’t mention it so I’m assuming not. I think some of this is relatively normal when you don’t live together: that you’re finishing work early isn’t really imperative information to give somebody who isn’t going to be at home waiting for you or who might ask you to pick up groceries on your way since you have the time. And honestly, whilst I’m fond of DH’s family, I don’t particularly care about the minutiae of their lives (and DH doesn’t tend to tell me, anyway.)

I agree with previous posters though that it’s fine to admit it isn’t working for you and that you’d prefer a relationship where this sort of chatter was had.

Original poster

HarrysTiles · 24/05/2023 16:47

@SY79 I think the reluctance to talk it over with him is because I’ve had conversations with him about elements of what I’ve mentioned before. He is always contrite, always tries to reassure me, but then nothing changes.

@EmptyBedBlues 4 years. We were friends before we got together, and I think because it just developed over time we never really had discussions early on about what we each wanted from the relationship. Moving in isn’t an option, but it would nice to have some common goals, or at least just feel a bit more important to him than I do at the moment.

@Tannedandfake He seems to - speaks to his sister most days, and his mum so I’m a bit perplexed.

OP posts:

Original poster

HarrysTiles · 24/05/2023 16:50

@ComtesseDeSpair No, we don’t live together, and I don’t mean he needs to inform me of his whereabouts, just feels like the sort of thing you’d mention in passing..? What makes it stranger is that when I reduce the amount of detail I chat to him about (thinking that perhaps that’s how he prefers things), he definitely notices and presses for more detail, etc.

OP posts:

YouAreNotBatman · 24/05/2023 16:52

I mean the things you mentioned, it wouldn’t cross my mind to tell about them.
But I’m type of a person who hates useless daily
jipper japper.

Have you told him that you want to know where his parents are having a holiday etc?

Aquamarine1029 · 24/05/2023 16:55

It seems he takes an interest in you, does it really matter that he doesn't share details about what other people are doing? Do you really care where is family is going on holiday?

mrsbitaly · 24/05/2023 16:57

I think if I had been in a 4 year relationship I would want to be spending more time with my BF family and feeling more involved in day to day life.
I completely understand why you would feel at arms length.

Do you ever ask to catch up with his family, invite them over for dinner? Seems odd they wouldn't invite you over to theirs either?

What does your BF say when you bring this up specifically apart from reassuring?

aSofaNearYou · 24/05/2023 16:58

It's hard to say because as others have mentioned, most of your examples are fairly dull things I might not mention. His sister starting a new job or parents being on holiday, for example. What he did at work - my DP will literally not shut up about work but on the flip side my dad never mentioned it to my mum, people are different in terms of how much they talk about work once it's over. And the fact that he finished early, well, that depends on the conversation. If you asked what he'd done that day and he was cagey and didn't want to reveal that information, that would definitely be odd. But if you didn't ask and it had no bearing on the conversation you were having, less so.

None of that discounts the fact that this might be a wider feeling on your part, though, the examples potentially just weren't that strong.

If you've spoken to him about it and he's given you no reason to think he's trying to hide you away or something, then perhaps he is just not a particularly forthcoming person.

Londontoderby · 24/05/2023 16:58

My brother doesn’t tell his girlfriend of 4 years much about us and we’ve only met her twice. The reason for that is our family is batshit crazy so totally understandable. Me and my sister are lucky that we met our partners young and they have grown with us in the family before it came the embarrassing mess that it is, bit by bit so not as bad. If I met someone new he would 100% not be meeting the family other than a quick lunch once or twice in a decade because knowing how crazy it is all in one go is completely embarrassing.

Oopsiedaisyy · 24/05/2023 17:01

I get it, you want to feel more of his day to day life, I've felt the same. Be open about your communication needs, but don't overthink it, he obviously doesn't see it as withdrawing from you, merely trying not to bore you

Thatsplentyjack · 24/05/2023 17:01

I've been with my partner over 10 years and we still don't really tell each other things like that unless it comes up in conversation, or there's a reason we need to mention in.

Original poster

HarrysTiles · 24/05/2023 17:04

It’s not that I feel I particularly NEED to know these things, just that it all feels very one-sided, and it makes me feel as if he’s reluctant or embarrassed to admit that I’m part of his life, kind of?

Other things that I’d mention - I’ve been at his house, doorbell goes, he gets up, answers door, has a conversation, etc. shits door, comes back - and says nothing.

We’ve also passed people he knows when out and about, he’ll say hello : have a conversation but not refer to me at all, no introduction, and no explanation afterwards of who the person was.

Is that not odd?

OP posts:

Oopsiedaisyy · 24/05/2023 18:08

Only odd if he treats you differently than he would someone else? Have you challenged him when he does that?

Oopsiedaisyy · 24/05/2023 18:09

Use some I statements....

I feel like I'm not part of your life when.... It makes me feel....

Let him explain his side

samestyle · 24/05/2023 18:43

It seems he sees your relationship as more casual than serious, perhaps he likes this arrangement as he knows you aren't wanting to live together.
4 years is along time to feel unimportant to someone, don't feel you have to stick with him.

WisherWood · 24/05/2023 18:59

We’ve also passed people he knows when out and about, he’ll say hello : have a conversation but not refer to me at all, no introduction, and no explanation afterwards of who the person was.

I wouldn't like that. I'm not saying he has to introduce you to every passing acquaintance, but my DP likes to introduce me to people. It's like he's proud that I'm with him. He's not always talkative and he doesn't really do much small talk, but he will do that.

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