I am struggling so much in my relationship ( not married).
we are a blended family and we have 2 children together. His 3 kids from his previous marriages live with their mothers. We were having regular contact with his kids but both mothers have retracted contact.
he is so moody all the time and often argues with me about trivial things, moans about my kids all the time over the smallest things, they are just being kids but he goes on and on and when I eventually get defensive he said that I am unreasonable.
His finances are a total mess, £27000 of debt, a credit card and a huge car payment which he had before we got together, though I didn’t learn of the extent of the debt until much later. he pays £100 a month towards these debts after defaulting on both of them.
I am debt free and am saving for a mortgage for which I will have to take out on my own.
he pays £575 into our joint account to cover outgoings, he earns 21000 a year and I earn £10000 student income, am working 37 hours nursing placement as standard. We get some universal credit And I also do an additional 10 hours bank shifts a week to up our income too. Our nursery bill is eye watering, almost 2000 a month
he spends money like water.
for example, he has many subscriptions to clubs for sports he likes, buys loads of random crap that we don’t need off of Amazon and recently I bought a new phone as mine had died ( it was almost 3 years old and was second hand to me) so he went out and bought a new phone, there was nothing wrong with his! He buys new clothing and says it’s for me so I will stay attracted to him, buys gifts and perfumes that I do not want or need and I have repeatedly asked him not to as I would rather he used that money for debts and to help with our household costs.
when I challenge anything he does he gets very passive aggressive, can be sometimes hurtful and then either refuses to talk about it, slamming things down and charging around our home or gets all meek and says I’m going on at him and belittling him by doing so. He says his relationship with his ex was horrendously controlling on her part, but now I wonder if it was him that was controlling and she maybe just stood up for herself.
there have also been a couple of times since I gave birth (7 months ago) that I have felt discomfort but when I have asked him not to do particular things or be more gentle he has carried on doing what I have asked him not to do and he has then become annoyed and said ‘ so I can’t do anything right then’. I struggle to get ‘there’ or be overly interested in sex since being pregnant and I have explained that it isn’t him but to be honest when he acts like a sick head the last thing I then want to do is shag.
he has recently had a disciplinary at work which he hid from me and I found out as he left the minutes from the meeting lying about, and a few things have come to light regarding fall outs with his ex that he has omitted to be open about.
I constantly feel backed into a Corner when he makes demands about decisions for the kids, financial decisions etc.
He also doesn’t pay child support which I feel is wrong.
My solicitor/ mortgage advisor ( she is dual trained we are in Scotland) has advised me to draw up a cohabitation agreement if I am to get a mortgage.
he is really angry about this. He thinks that I am being unfair.
maybe I’m being a bitch I really don’t know, just wanting opinions really. Am I taking the wrong approach and being unreasonable in my expectation? Is he being gaslighty? Two of my friends describe him as being overbearing and passive aggressive and last time my mum popped over he was a bit rude to her. their opinions matter to me but maybe that is also wrong to consider what they say above what he needs from me.
he does pull he weight by doing diy jobs and collecting kids from school etc on the days I am working and does their dinner. He also does school run twice a week.
I just would like others opinions.
my friends say to give it 6-12 months and if it doesn’t improve consider separating.