Relationship ended & struggling to cope. Feel like I’ll be alone forever

[Dandelion86]

I’m a single mum to a teenager and had been on my own for a very long time as they don’t see the other parent and there hasn’t really been any opportunity for relationships.
They have started becoming more independent and I’ve started getting more free time. In fact, I hardly see them as they are always out with mates, at sleepovers etc! Anyway, I met someone. It all happened quite naturally and organically and we were together for just over 6 months. It was quite intense looking back and full on pretty quickly but I was swept up in it and how good he made me feel.
In hindsight I was so pleased to have found someone that I dropped pretty much everything in my life out for him. I didn’t realise this at the time, it’s sort of only now I’m out of it I can see it.
My friends weren’t very keen on him or the relationship and a couple of them still aren’t speaking to me.
He ended it abruptly and I feel heartbroken which I know is ridiculous as in reality it wasn’t a long time we were together. But it feels almost like when you are a teenager and you break up with your first love.
I feel really lonely and shit and miss him, I miss the good times and the companionship and someone asking how my day was.
We had one drunken hook up afterwards which was instigated by me and was awful and left me feeling crap and worse than ever!
I’ve since found out there was potentially a slight overlap between me and his ex and also with her and the previous relationship so I know he will probably move on really quickly. And we live in a small town so dreading seeing him with whoever.
I feel rubbish about myself. I am 36 and haven’t had a significant relationship since my sons dad and feel like I never will. My twenties were spent concentrating on parenting (which I feel I fucked up anyway but that is another story!) and now I’m hurtling towards forty and it’s seeming further away than ever.
We also had a miscarriage which while it wasn’t planned was quite traumatic and involved surgery and my fertility being compromised so it is unlikely I will be able to have more children. So I have the fear of seeing him have that with someone else 😞 anyway I just wanted to get it out as have no one really in real life to talk to and wanted to see if anyone had any advice or could relate!

sorry for your situation🙁
it is still raw.
it was an experience to be put away.
when you come accross accidentially just disaapear and try to avoid the places that he can be for a while.
you are still very young. you can meet someone new.

It might not seem it yet but you've had a very lucky escape. He sounds like he love bombed you into a relationship. Worse, whilst he was still with someone else. If there has been a baby, youd have spent the next decade alone. Because even he had stuck around, it would only have been to treat you shitty. And you would have been more lonely with him than you were single.

You need to take some time to read up on how to spot scumbags. Normal healthy relationships for example, are not whirlwinds. There are far worse things than being single.

Take a good few months reading up on how to spot abusers before thinking about dating again. Doctor ramani on YouTube does good stuff on narcissists (npd) and similar. And keep reading up throughout life. Even when you think you've found a good bloke.

You're young, free and single op. Not tied to a jackass via a baby. You're actually very lucky.

Ps: make sure to get your contraception foolproof before dating again. I do hope you were using condoms too...because this guy doesn't sound the cleanest.

Thank you! I don’t feel young, I feel ancient and like the best years of my life have passed me by. I hope it does get easier. It’s only now it’s over that I’ve realised how much of my free time was filled with him and the relationship and now I suddenly feel lonely and lost 😕

Thinking on it, if a baby accident happened then obviously there was at least condom fail. Duh 😆
I'd maybe see your gp for an sti test just incase. Sorry to pile something else on but you just never know with men like him.

Thank you @Pinkbonbon. It wasn’t abusive as in violent but there were patterns of him suddenly giving me the silent treatment for no particular reason, and he was very jealous and distrustful of me even though I gave him absolutely no reason to be! It was me who found out he was sending wow emojis to a local only fans type girl in response to her Facebook stories whilst I was in hospital. Logically I know all of this wasn’t healthy and I have had a lucky escape but it is hard to reconcile that with my feelings and the fantasy of the the relationship I had in my head. I think it is that I miss rather than the reality! I feel awful about myself and my body too and have been looking up his exes and comparing myself to them which I know isn’t healthy! I just hope I can learn from this!

I knew it would be emotionally abusive just from it being a whirlwind. You'll be able to spot that as a red flag in future now too.

Part of the reason it's so hard after just 6 months was that it got too intense too fast (which is what abusers often do). If you spend all of your time with/thinking about someone then if course its going to feel awful when they're suddenly gone.

But you're bang on the money that you liked the idea of the fantasy relationship. The idea of him. But not who he really is. Because who he really is is a nasty little slimeball.

Oh BTW, all that jealousy from him was actually just a way to control you. It's standard abuse to make you change your behaviour and focus on 'if only I could find the right words to make him understand my loyalty/innocence/goodness/love/trust'. Rather than look at what he is up to and realise his behaviour isn't OK. It's a trap.

People like him are parasites who jump from kne thing to the next. They are never happy with what they have. So don't compare yourself to his exs. Because no matter how amazing you think they are, he made those women feel like shit too. Because HE isn't good enough. Hell, because he's a sack of shit.

Thank you! It has helped me posting on here and getting it out and reading the replies. It is very easy to look back with rose tinted glasses and remember the times it was good and the intense feelings. And forgot the shitty comments and the little digs, comparing my body to other women’s etc. His exes were definitely a certain type which I am not! And he made comparisons. My self esteem is left on the floor. When I spoke to his ex which maybe I shouldn’t of done and was fuelled by wine she basically confirmed he is the type to make you fall very hard and fast and develop intense feelings but can’t commit and jumps ship when it is to much. And had all the same issues in her relationship with him. I just can’t help falling into the trap of thinking but what if the next one is THE ONE and it does work out with her and I’ll be left wondering if the problem was me. And it’ll probably be someone I know in our small community. Eughh. I know from mutual friends he is at a local event this weekend and my mind is in overdrive thinking of him meeting someone else who is thinner, prettier etc etc while I am sat at home feeling sorry for myself!

There is no 'the one' for him. Only always the next one.

He made digs about her appearance too I'm sure. He would do that to miss world even lol.

What you're describing is called narcissistic triangulation - when theybplay you off against another woman in order to make you feel "nit enough" .

And dont sit un feeling sorry for yourself! Go donsomething fun and forget that loser.

@Dandelion86, I don’t really have any advice because I’m in the very early stages of a breakup right now and I’m not coping, but really just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone.

I‘m also a single mum of a teenager and heading towards 40, so I understand the all-consuming fear of being alone forever, but I think we need to keep in mind that we’re probably not thinking clearly much of the time when we’re in the throes of this grief, and one day we will come out of other side 💕.

I'm sorry you're feeling very down about your relationship ending but one thing I'm wondering is, would you really go back to having a baby (even if your fertility isn't compromised)? Would this have been a way to lock him down, so to speak?

We were undecided what to do about the pregnancy when I had the miscarriage, then I found out I was further along than I thought. Looking back it absolutely wouldn’t have been right but I was still in the relationship and he was instantly very supportive and almost happy about the pregnancy and I got quite caught up in that and his excitement. As I didn’t have that with my sons dad. I guess it was more the fantasy that I was imagining and us being a little family and doing things differently a second time round? But again, the reality would have been very different I’m sure. He has an older child and cheated on his mum throughout the pregnancy which he apparently really regretted and learnt from 🤨

It’s easy to fall in love and stay in love with the good aspects of a relationship, while ignoring or trivializing the bad parts. Do you miss him , or do you miss having a relationship again? Could you try to build a bridge back with your friends? Why did the diss you over a guy? Seems quite immature of them at 36. Did something bigger happen?
Are you certain you can’t have kids again? Maybe you can, stay positive! You have wonderful kids already concentrate on that!
He was caught up in the excitement of pregnancy but ask yourself about the reality ; when baby was born woukd there be jealousy? Silent treatment? Imagine that down on top of a newborn. Ouch.From your other posts he sounds like a terrible person. You will recover from this. To be honest I’d be glad I got out of a relationship like this.!

A few years ago one of my friends was involved with a man like your ex. She had been single a long time. Like you she was love bombed. Then he was blowing hot and cold. He was dealing with some family issues at the time. My friend said he really did did not know what he wanted but he had said to her that he would like a family.
My friend decided it was to soon for a baby
He then cheated on my friend and decided his new side piece had more to offer him. Like your ex he had a certain type of woman he kept going for and my friend was different to his usual type.
He told her then it was over between them. He then decided to tell my friend all that was wrong with her.
My friend was upset with what happened. Then she wondered what she could have done differently to keep him.

Well less than 18 months later his new girlfriend was pregnant. My friend heard he was delighted with the news via someone they both know. My friend then found out a lot more things about him and she realised then that she had a lucky escape.

A few years later this prince among men contacted my friend. They had been chatting for a while and met up. He wanted to get into a friend's with benefits situation. My friend told him that this was not going to happen. She told me I was not going to take him on with a child once his partner found out he was cheating on her.

My friend is single now and happy with her life. She told me what she went through with him was hard but at least she was not left dealing with his issues and a baby on top of it.
Yes, it can be hard to be single when it seems the whole world is part of a couple. At least your not with this man any longer. Just think how worse things would be if you had a baby with him. A man like him could like the idea of a baby but the reality could hit him hard and then you could be left with a baby and father who's in and out of his child's life.

Yes I am probably looking back with rose tinted glasses and thinking about the good times rather than the many shit times and when I was left feeling not good enough or like I had done something wrong but not knowing what! I’m not the kind of person who jumps into relationships easily and it’s rare I find someone I feel a connection with so feel a bit despondent about finding that again. I genuinely don’t think I have it in me to try dating apps again after a soul destroying experience on them a couple of years ago! Find it so tedious having to go through the motions of asking twenty people how their day has been and small talk. I have been diagnosed as Autistic in the last couple of years as well which explains a lot but adds to my whole fear of never meeting someone else. It also explains why I tend to get a bit obsessive and struggle with relationships or anything ending. I’ve tried to reach out to friends but not really had much luck. To be fair they have had stuff going on so it isn’t just because of the relationship they pulled back but they could see he wasn’t treating me well and didn’t like him.