Relationship ended and feel like my heart is physically breaking.

[Lostandaloneagain]

I’m a longtime lurker on Mumsnet, and really didn’t know where else to turn for some solid advice and a bit of a handhold.

Two weeks ago, my fiancé ended our 3,5 year relationship. I want to say it came out of nowhere, but we’ve had quite a few issues throughout our relationship - especially over the last 6 months or so, where it just seems to be following the same pattern of stupid argument blown out of proportion > breakup > not speak for days > start speaking again > agree to work things out.

This time is different because we both know that it just can’t continue like this anymore, and no matter how much we try, we just can’t resolve our issues.

The problems in our relationship come from us both struggling to communicate properly with each other, and it’s just not ever getting better.

It’s so heartbreaking because we both love each other so much, and had planned our future together and both wanted to be together forever, but it’s just not working.

As ridiculous as it sounds, I have thought at points over the last two weeks that it would almost be easier if something really bad had happened between us to allow me to feel angry and maybe move on quicker, because this just feels like absolute torture and like a cruel joke from the Universe.

Neither of us are bad people and I know he’s hurting, too, but I’m just really not coping at the moment. I feel like the past week, especially has been the worst because before that, I maybe had a little bit of hope, but now it’s just gone, and my heart feels like it’s physically breaking - I’ve never known pain like it.

I have to try and function during the day for my DD who is sitting exams right now and keep things as normal and calm for her as possible, when I’m just screaming inside. Then I have to take Nytol to sleep at night and end up dreaming of him anyway, so I feel like absolute shit when I wake up.

Yesterday I forced myself to delete 3,5 years of WhatsApp messages as well as his number from my phone. That honestly was horrific, but I needed to remove any temptation to contact him.

I had stupidly messaged him over the weekend - some angry messages asking how he can just give up over something so stupid and then messaged to say sorry for my outbursts and asking him to come back (pathetic, I know), but he basically shuts down when we fight, so I was making things worse by messaging. I just really struggle with the no contact thing as we were in contact daily, and it feels so final yet unresolved to me, and my go-to is to fix everything.

I’ve tried to focus on the bad or unhealthy parts of the relationship, but to be honest, we were so good together. Yes, we had issues that probably couldn’t be fixed, but we loved each other so much and were a solid couple in many ways. Totally involved with each other’s families, supported each other through some horrible personal times, and I just thought this was the one that would last forever.

I’m going to be 40 next year and logically I know that’s not old, but the thought of starting over is terrifying and exhausting all at once. I was so glad I’d never have to go on a first date again because I actually don’t like dating, but I also don’t want to be alone forever - I just want him. I can never imagine having that same connection or love for another man again, as it was so special, and I miss everything about him, and the life we had.

I’m sorry this is so long and rambly. I think I just need to know it will get better and I won’t feel like this forever. This is like a physical pain that I didn’t even know was possible.

Thank you if you’ve made it this far.

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I do know how you feel, I'm 38 and also recently separated and have also had the feelings of being desperate to contact them and worrying about being alone forever.

I have no advice really as I'm literally winging it right now and hoping it gets better. If it helps, it's been a few weeks and it's got a bit easier. I still have bad days where all I can think about is him and how lonely I am, but there's good days too where I feel like I can do this. Stick with the no contact. Its tough but ultimately that's going to help you heal from this. Every time you initiate contact with him it's like reopening the wounds all over again. Try to keep busy, have you got friends/family who can support you, meet you for a coffee/walk etc?

Thanks for your reply. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, too. It’s just horrible. Isn’t it?

I was really struggling with the no contact, and still am to be fair, but I don’t have his number anymore so there’s no way for me to contact him, which feels weird and horrible, but I know it’s for the best.

When I was contacting him last week his replies were just so cold and matter of fact which left me feeling worse anyway. I know it’s his way of coping, but it’s so opposite to my way, so I really struggle with that.

I do have a good family who l know will support me, but I haven’t been able to bring myself to tell anyone yet. I think I’m dreading it because I feel partly humiliated that I just can’t seem to make a relationship work, partly scared because it’s so final once I tell people, and also sad because he was genuinely part of our family.

Hey, I've been there – broke up with someone I thought was The One, we'd make a proper future, etc etc. We too had lots of problems and frequent arguments over things that couldn't easily be resolved and issues in our style of communication, which clashed.

A few years on, I can see that what I actually was obsessed with was the IDEA of the relationship and being – it was actually deeply unhealthy, we weren't compatible, the issues weren't just 'things that got in the way of us being great', the truth was we were never great, I wished we were, but the glimmers of goodness in no way made up for the fundamental problems. I too really struggled with no contact, and had the urge to try and fix everything, but I'm genuinely very, very glad I'm not still with him. He was totally the wrong person for me.

I'm now in a new relationship of 2 years and we've never had a single argument. Hand on heart, the entire time we've been together has been nothing but love, happiness, laughter, security, comfort, fun, romance and good, open communication. I wish I'd had higher standards when younger to know that THIS is what a relationship should be, and if we ever part ways I know I won't accept anything less. You'll come through this, and likely realise it wasn't as great as you thought.

I'm thinking maybe viewing "forever" as as the goal, and anything less as a humiliating failure isn't helpful. A relationship of two years is as valid as one of 20. You were together for the amount of time you were supposed to be, and I can tell you from experience that a bit too soon is far better than a day too late. It's not a cruel joke from the universe, neither of you want to be in the relationship any more, so it is over. It's not cosmic, it's human.

Tell your friends and family, get some support, it will help you make it real and therefore deal with it. Denial isn't going to help you. There is nothing to be ashamed of.

Hearbreak is painful, it literally feels like your heart is breaking, but you will get over it. It's totally possible to move on and have another relationship, even at the grand old age of 40! That one might not last "forever" either but I'd rather several good healthy relationships that are over as they run their course over a lifetime, than one miserable enmeshed forever.

Agree with this too – I don't think forever is realistic. Nobody can predict the future. People change, their needs and feelings change, circumstances change. It isn't a failure. Societal expectations do more harm than good.

That’s actually a great point, about focusing on the idea of the relationship versus what is actually was.

If we’re both honest, the issues have been there since the beginning, but it‘s almost like we were so drawn to the connection and chemistry we had that we couldn’t let go.

Don‘t get me wrong, not all of our relationship was bad or unhealthy - in fact, for the most part it was great, and we rarely argued. However, I think that a lot of that came from fear of speaking our minds and communicating our needs to each other, which is so unhealthy, and these are obviously fundamental things that can’t really be fixed as clearly we’re not that compatible.

It‘s just heartbreaking to love someone so much and know that it can’t work, but you’re right - I just wish I had a time machine to get me to that place quicker.

Thank you for this. That’s great advice. I’ve never been so invested in a romantic relationship as I have with this one, so I maybe lost a bit of sense of reality and made it to be bigger and more meaningful than it was.

That‘s not to say we didn’t have good times - we had some amazing times, but maybe I just need to accept that it couldn’t have lasted longer than it did without sacrificing too much of myself or my longterm happiness.

It‘s hard to see that right now because everything is so raw, but I know that you’re right.

That’s so very true, societal expectations do have a lot to answer for, which I know, so I don’t understand why I’m so afraid to admit it’s over or why I view it as some kind of personal failure when I’d never think that about anyone else and would actually admire them for having the strength to walk away from someone they loved if that’s what was best for them.

I'm so sorry. That sounds incredibly hard.

It's not easy (but none of it is easy - however you handle it will be painful) but I really think you need to have no contact at all for at least a month. That will feel impossible but gradually you will find you are coping and it will be normal not to hear from him. You both clearly need a breather. Maybe chat after a complete break of a month, and see how you both feel once your immediate heart break has eased a little.

However much you love someone, if you fight all the time, it's not a good way forward in life. You'd need to get some couples' therapy and learn how to resolve issues without anger and silences, and you'd both need to really be up for it and prepared to work on it.

It's a bit of a cliche, but focus really hard on all the other aspects of your life. Build them up so they can support you while this key part of your life is in turmoil. Develop your fitness with lots of extra exercise, sort out your home, see old friends and family, do a couple of things from your bucket list that didn't appeal to him, cook foods you love that he hated to eat, listen to music you love that he hated, do hobbies you used to enjoy that you dropped to spend more time with him etc etc - get back your sense of autonomy in life.

Thank you for this advice. I definitely have to stick to the no contact. It’s so hard, but I know it’s for the best.

He‘s definitely not the type who would go to therapy. I would go in a heartbeat if I thought it would fix things, but he’s very stubborn and very much of the opinion that when he’s done he’s done, and that’s something I just have to accept because I can’t force him to want to fix things, hard as it is.

Right now it’s taking all the strength I have to get up and showered each day, as I just feel sick constantly and this heavy weight on my chest, but I know you’re right that I have to try, and I have to get back and do things I enjoyed before I met him.

I just want to feel normal again, and as much I know I will, it feels so impossible and so far away right now.

Logically you could have 40+ years left on the planet so there will probably be a couple more guys who you think are your forever. ...and who turn out not to be.

The way I see it, you had a happy three years with someone. Great. Now it is working anymore. Its been nothing but drama for 6 months. Time to go.

The idea of a forever person is actually making you miserable. When the fun stops, stop. As the bookies say. There will come a time where you never have to date again either because you've found Mr very long term guy or because you decide you can't be arsed anymore and actually, like being single. Or because you snuff it, I suppose.

But for now, take some time single to regroup and recuperate and be ready to get back on that horse. You'll get there. Just stop chasing Mr forever(s) and look for Mr good company for however long it lasts.

Thank you, you’re completely right, and I do need to change my mindset around things. It’s just hard right now, but I have to keep going forward no matter what because the situation is still happening regardless of how I feel about it.

I’ve always viewed myself as a coper, so this has really floored me because I feel like I’m just going through the motions and that everything has lost all meaning, which is ridiculous because of course it hasn’t.

In previous relationships I’ve always kept people at arm’s length slightly, but with this one we shared such a strong bond and deep connection, that I really struggle to let that go.

Although we didn’t yet live together (this was planned for once my DD is finished with her exams), we spent most of the week together, and talked everyday. He was someone who always had my back and felt like a true partner in every sense, so I’m really struggling right now to see how I’ll ever find something like that again, and not even sure I want to.

I honestly think they should warn us about breakups in school like they do with drugs so we can decide to avoid relationships 😂🤷🏻‍♀️.

Would be more useful than trigonometry that's for sure!

It sure would 😂.

How are you feeling now?

Today my partner of 3.5 years and myself have spectated, we have lived together for 18 months. We did everything right, waiting over a year to meet children and took things slowly, problems arose quite soon after I moved in but the same pattern as you mention kept happening, fall out, not speak, make up, two months later same pattern. He’s told me today he’s shut down and no longer loves me, to be fair he’s done us both a favour as it was getting toxic. We’ve had an amazing time together, loads of holidays and fun times but the negatives started to outweigh the positives.

I am utterly devastated, I moved counties and jobs to be with him as he has small children and mine are grown…I am now going to have to find a place to live in a county I still don’t really know and rebuild, at 45!

I’m hoping you can update with how you’re getting on and give me some tips on how to navigate these next few weeks ❤️