Am I being manipulated? Pls help

[Lgn2023]

I need some brutal honesty…

Context - Me and my partner have been together 6 years in total (having one year being spent split up) we were still sleeping together and I fell pregnant and we now have a 4 month old, when I found out I was pregnant we got back together and made a real go of things to be a family.

Last week me and my partner kept pointless bickering so I decided to stay at my mums with the baby for a few days, he asked me to come back home, so I did and he had bought me flowers, pyjamas, chocolates and cooked me dinner, we made up.

That night I had a gut instinct something just wasn’t right; so i went through his phone, it turned out the night before he went out and got off his face and didn’t get home till 5am that morning (off his face on drugs)
I was so let down and hurt, and also felt betrayed how he could go out and not tell me?? I’m not by all means controlling but I think common decency you should tell your partner if your going out, he told me he went round his friends, I asked him to be completely honest with me if he has gone out before without telling me and he admitted there is several times he has gone out and done drugs and not told me about any of it.

Next day- I forgave him, I was more concerned about the drugs and didn’t want this to be an ongoing problem.

That night, I felt there was more to this, my gut instinct again- so I went on his phone again, I found messages from this girl (I knew he was friends with this girl; but from my perspective she was never spoken about and they only catches up through text once a month or something)

It turns out he speaks to this girl all of the time, in the last week they went and drove to get a McDonald’s together and he went round her house to put up her TV.

Again, I’m not controlling- but shouldn’t you tell your partner being that friendly with a girl?? He made me feel like I was insane and that it’s no different to it being a boy and I was nuts.

I stayed at home but was off with him for several days because of this, I asked him to be completely honest with me about everything and he said that’s the only 2 times

I don’t actually think he is cheating, I just don’t believe it’s in his character but there was messages from when we was in a row ‘bantering’ about taking mine kid and hers and running off to Dubai!!

Fast forward a few days, I actually see this girl while I had my baby, I was introduced as the partner and she barely even looked at me and didn’t even say hello to my child, am I going insane? If I was friends with a boy I would be so friendly towards the girlfriend and their child! My partner told me she probably feels awkward as he has told her I’ve gone through his phone and im pissed off, again- why is he airing our dirty laundry to this girl??

Fast forward to this morning, I’ve had no sleep, I’ve gone on his phone again - I needed to know what was said about the above situation, I found out the night he went out and didn’t tell me and went round his friends, he disappeared for 4 hours and was actually with the girl (there was other people there to) but he failed to tell me! I confronted him this morning and he has gone absolute mad at me (while I’m in tears) saying that I’m wrong for going on his phone and I’m a weirdo and insane etc …

(I know I shouldn’t have gone on his phone and it’s wrong, but I really felt there was stuff I didn’t know)

Please tell me honest opinions on this because he is making me feel like I am insane!!!

I really don’t want to be with him anymore but I’m so scared how it will affect our baby

This is not a relationship to raise a child in. He's disrespectful of you and your relationship, he's bitching about you to another woman which is just such a huge nope, he's dismissive of your concerns, he lies, you row a lot, and he's a druggie on top of that! Would you want to grow up in your house?

You and your child need and deserve better. I really think you need to consider leaving him.

Your baby is very young and wont miss him.... and if you have any sense you wont either.
Life is too precious and short to be spent with someone you cannot trust.

At the very least he is disrespectful, gas lighting and dishonest. Why do you want to be with this man? Please don't say 'for the child' because that is the worst reason there is.

Possibly he is having an on- off relationship with this girl, and still lying to you.

He doesn't make you happy. Is he living in your home?

He is a good dad, he is besotted with my baby and I know he will want to be 50/50 custody if I left and I can’t be away from my baby for that long

We have built a small house together on his parents land and are due to be moving in soon (I haven’t paid for anything, his parents have done it all) we are currently at his parents

I would have no where else to go and would he back at my mums..😢which I do love and my mum is my best friend but I have a tiny room there

You need to leave if he's doing drugs.

Better to live in a box bedroom with your baby than with a man you don't trust. As you know, young children are hard work and need constant attention. The novelty of 50/50 custody might wear off for Super Dad if it interferes with his friendships and lifestyle choices. Playing happy families doesn't work if it makes you suspicious and miserable. That impacts your child. I split up with my kids father when my youngest hadn't even been born. They are better for it, and have been raised in an emotionally stable environment where they don't see parents arguing or upsetting each other. You deserve a nice normal relationship with someone who is open with you, and respects you. Being single is not terrible either, and your mental health will be ruined if you stay with this man. At the point where you feel the need to check his phone, it is all doomed.

This.

I think you know what you need to do. I’m sorry.

Neither of you are happy.
You got back together for the baby and it's not working.

You need to go your separate ways and learn to coparent for everybody's sakes.

Oh bin him and move home regardless of size of room. He is secretive, untrustworthy and prioritising this girl ( possibly infatuated with), drugs and his freedom over his partner and child. He sounds selfish and immature.

I would leave and be sure to let his parents know why you are leaving. He is not a responsible role model to be around your child.

He’s cheating. The question is what do you want to do about it?

Sorry op💐

I don't agree that he has to tell you he's going out, he doesn't need your permission. That aside, he's a lying, cheating, druggie shithead so I'd be dumping him for that, take your child leave

Better to live in a tiny room with people who love and respect you, than live in a big house with people who don't respect you, take drugs and lie about where they are and with whom

He's not a good Dad, he treats the mother of his children like shit, likely to be having an affair and takes drugs - that is not the sign of a loving father who wants the best family life for his child to grow up in

He lies, cheats, takes drugs, shows you no respect. And in turn shos no respect for your baby,his family.
What part of that equals a good dad?

Honestly, you are better walking away from this one. He will only drag you down further and further. Your baby is young, and honestly a good dad does none of the things you have listed.

OP this is not the relationship for you. Find someone who doesn’t make you want to check up on them!

No.

No he is not a good dad. He takes drugs. Not only that, but he is seeing another woman behind your back. Please go back to your mum's, it will be for the best. And tell his parents about the drug-taking & the other woman as well, because I bet they don't know the half of it.

He won't get 50/50 with a baby that young, and it is unlikely he would be granted it later on either if he's a drug-taker.

Perhaps you need to look at your perception of what a good Dad is
Hes not

He’s not a good dad in my opinion. He is taking drugs and is disrespecting the mother of his child who he is also in a relationship with.
If he has not already cheated with this woman which I believe he has, then he is on the cusp of it and it is going to happen.
You are not insane. He is gaslighting and manipulative. He is making you the bad guy to deflect from his own shitty actions. Do not fall for this or accept it. Who knows til it happens if he would take the baby 50/50… if he gets a new girlfriend who will he prioritize.
I know moving back to your moms wouldnt be ideal, but he will keep walking all over you. If he knows you will stay in the house out of convenience; his behavior is about to get a LOT worse. So it’s a tiny room and peace VS living with a cheater and manipulator. You wouldn’t be at your moms forever and you would get your own place with your baby.
Please be good to yourself and mind yourself from this man, he is not good for u.

Op, you have a very little baby 🎉
Congratulations!

Its all a bit overwhelming at the beginning without having to spend precious thinking time on someone who clearly is not worthy of your love and affection.
You know who is worthy? You, and your lovely baby.

You worry that not being with this man will affect your DC. It will, absolutely affect them. But not in the way you want. You don’t trust him. He is not trustworthy . Him saying he would go for 50/50 is , I imagine , pure bollocks. He really won’t change. And you can’t change him, your DC wont change him. You will have years of unhappiness and arguments which your DC will endure along with you.

What you can change is that your DC grows up (at least in the beginning)in a house , where they see their relatives acting like “best friends”. Where you never need to doubt what people say because they wouldn’t dream of lying to you in the first place. Where people show love and affection and time is spent laughing at silly things and making each other cups of tea. And getting grumpy and snapping occasionally but never to a point where you know your actions are hurting someone and you keep doing it anyway.

it doesn’t have to be forever, and a tiny room is doable with thought, but it does sound like the most ideal place to spend your baby’s first months , maybe years .

This is going to sound so cliched but fuck me time goes fast. I’m feeling particularly nostalgic at the moment as my DD is approaching her 24th birthday amd this weekend is the 2 year anniversary of my Dm’s death. Fwiw, I moved 200 miles away at 19 and never moved back and I’m genuinely not projecting any of my feelings here. 😀

It’s shitty in the extreme when a relationship ends but it’s like taking off a plaster compared to living with an ulcerative, suppurating leg, like Henry V111.

There will be guys out there that are more worthy of your attention, who knows who you could meet down the line if you’re unattached? But for now, take you and your baby off to a place where certainty and trust reside, not mistrust and resentment.

Disclaimer, I’m on the first mega syringe of my prescription CBD smd THC oil so apologies for the long, hopefully not patronising sounding essay.

I’ve had two long term relationships of ten years each , first was a car crash ending in divorce. The second was a car crash ending in an even worse disaster. The details aren’t important. But I know what it feels like to be in a dysfunctional relationship. My DC saw one or two things I’d rather they hadn’t But, no lasting trauma, so far anyways. I think that that’s been helped by the last 7 years of being quite happily single. I’m obviously a lot older than you and my situation is entirely different . But the relationship I created with my DC, whilst far from “perfect “, is something I wouldn’t have had if there had been a cheating , lying shithead in their lives, as a PP up there most succinctly put it.

Pack your bags, settle in at your DM’s and pick up a copy of The L Shaped Room. <been decades since I read it but it’s been in my mind , on this thread.

Best of luck Op.

< wondering if I have to name change for being an utter boring twat on t’internet.. this oil might be stronger that I anticipated 😀>

You need to leave. As mentioned it’s unlikely he’d get 50/50 custody at this age, but it’s a possibility down the line if he ‘cleans up’.
That’s just something you’d have to deal with if it happened.

Yes, Lgn, you are being manipulated by this lying, faithless druggie. He is treating you with utter contempt and is actually very poor father and role model.

In my view, he is having an EA or PA with this OW: secret, over-frequent contact; secret alone time; confiding/slagging you off; laughing about running away together; her blanking you and the baby; his defensiveness,
blame shifting, and name calling. He is investing in OW while devaluing and disrespecting you.

Lgn, protect yourself and your child by walking away from this destructive relationship and environment. The court won’t allow 50/50 custody of your tiny baby. Go to the safety of your mother’s home and build a fulfilling life. Don’t allow yourself to be hoovered by this cheating, drug abusing Loser.

a very poor

Take your child and move back in with your mum.

This loser is a lying cheat that just offers heartache and misery.
Most men really don't want 50/50. They just threaten it to keep you in your place.

I don't think time with an opposite sex friend is necessarily a problem.

But you don't trust him, and you have good reason not to. You have evidence he is happy to lie to you. If he lies about one important thing there's no reason he would not lie about others. The vibe you get from her is making you suspicious. I doubt you are wrong.

You can't change him. I don't see a future in this.

(I wouldn't stay with someone who did drugs anyway but that's a personal choice.)