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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband messaged escort , 9 months pregnant and dont know what to do.

18 replies

Hailstorm84 · 23/05/2023 23:50

Hey , tonight I found out that my husband messaged an escort back in 2021 after I miscarried our ivf babies. He maintains they never met and it never went further than the initial message ( I found the email on his phone). Even if this is the truth I'm devastated, how could he do this to me . I'm currently 9 months pregnant and feel like my whole world has crumbled , I dont know how to deal with this . I've lost all trust in him , I can't bare to look at him . Hes my second marriage and I honestly thought he was different, my first husband cheated on me too . Can't help but feel theres something wrong with me that I keep being treated this way . I'm scared to talk to anyone about this because I'm so ashamed.

OP posts:
cloudycat · 23/05/2023 23:55

I’m so sorry, OP. It’s NOT you. I went though something similar and it ended our relationship. It was extremely tough break up but I’m 9 months pregnant now and only care about the baby - accepted doing it without him. Do you think you can regain trust after such a betrayal? It’s gross and potentially would put your + baby’s health in danger if he followed through.

lamaze1 · 24/05/2023 00:08

I'm sorry this has happened to you.

  1. It's not your fault. He is the grubbie.
  2. Do not feel ashamed or scared to talk to people. Make sure you get support. Don't sacrifice yourself in order to protect his choices/ reputation.
Vintagecreamandcottagepie · 24/05/2023 00:10

This is not your fault, he is at fault and you need support.

Do you have anyone who can support you/ listen/ understand irl?

Thistlelass · 24/05/2023 00:12

I think for the moment the 2 of you need to focus on getting this baby safely into the world. The loss of your ivf babies must have been traumatic for both of you so if you have not done so already maybe the two of you could have counselling around that topic.

Rainbowsandfairies · 24/05/2023 01:10

I'm so sorry op for the pain you're going through .I've been there and it's horrible 😞 big hugs

Buildingthefuture · 24/05/2023 05:14

You are not responsible for his behaviour. He is (I assume) a fully functioning, adult man. He makes his own choices and it appears he’s made some shit ones. But, this is not on you, this is on him. His choice, his behaviour, his responsibility. You have no shame in this, none whatsoever. If you have one trusted friend or family member, tell them. Do not protect him or his shitty choices and gather all the support you can. I’m sorry this has happened but you will get through it and you don’t have to decide anything now. I would though get an std check and I would also very firmly shut down any and all attempts he makes to blame you (because he will) simply by reminding him he had a choice and he chose to be just another selfish, weak, spineless prick.

Original poster
Hailstorm84 · 24/05/2023 07:40

Thankyou , I'm really scared that he has acted on this between then and now . I am going to call up sexual health today and arrange a screening for myself just incase . Back in 2020 I discovered he was messaging a girl in another country telling her he loved her ect , I found out just before we got married. It broke me but I forgave him and gave him another chance , right now it just seems like I've been made a fool off . I made him call his family last night and tell them , his mum was crying it broke my heart. I honestly thought that if I caught him out again I'd know what to do and put him out but I feel so trapped right now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hailstorm84 · 24/05/2023 07:43

Cloudycat I'm so sorry you are going through a similar situation, I really hope that you have plenty of support around you ❤.

OP posts:
TheoTheopolis23 · 24/05/2023 17:03

Thistlelass · 24/05/2023 00:12

I think for the moment the 2 of you need to focus on getting this baby safely into the world. The loss of your ivf babies must have been traumatic for both of you so if you have not done so already maybe the two of you could have counselling around that topic.

Miscarriages are not an excuse for arranging to shag prostitutes.

And the iPad update has added another example of infidelity/attempted infidelity too, just to prove that (as if it needed proven).

TheoTheopolis23 · 24/05/2023 17:03

Op, not iPad 🙄

TheoTheopolis23 · 24/05/2023 17:06

I made him call his family last night and tell them

Kudos to you op.

Getting it out in the light and not covering for him/covering it up.

A poster on here said in a thread about infidelity that one of the reasons she felt their relationship (apparently) survived was not telling anyone. I thought that was actually really sad ....and illustrated that it had only survived because facts, the truth, his behaviour etc. had been suppressed.

perfectcolourfound · 25/05/2023 21:48

You forgave him before for cheating on you (falling in love with someone!) and yet here he is again, this time using prostitutes. Even if he didn't go through with it (and he probably did, you will never know for certain unless he's honest with you - and you know he struggles with honestly) he still thought about it.

You deserve better. I'm so pleased you made him tell his family. So often people manage to hide their grubby activities and are protected by the partner they've done the dirty on.

Original poster
Hailstorm84 · 25/05/2023 23:45

Thankyou TheoTheopolis23 x

OP posts:
Original poster
Hailstorm84 · 25/05/2023 23:48

perfectcolourfound thankyou , it's hard because I'm just trying to make the best of the situation and concentrate on my daughter arriving . It's just so much to come to grips with right now .

OP posts:
cloudycat · 26/05/2023 00:51

The only thing that matters is baby! It’ll be a love like no other. Please remain stoic and keep your pride. I’ve been through it, promise you’ll be ok.

Ontime · 26/05/2023 22:56

Sorry to hear this. My ex cheated on me with prostitutes, I found out 3 months ago. Found an email from adultwork.com on his Apple watch. I demanded he show me his bank statements and he broke down in tears and confessed what he had been up to. I threw him out my house and binbagged all his stuff and dumped it in my front garden. I got no apology and he showed no empathy. I told everyone, I was not going to cover his ass by protecting him. I have just had my 3rd lot of hepatitis b injections and have to have a HIV test in August (6 months after we last had sex). Sometimes if something doesn't feel right and your instinct kicks in you need to go with it. I hope you have a good support network around you. I was with my ex for 9 years but he was abusive too. I swear to god its been 3 months since and I am in a much happier place. Do not blame yourself, this is nothing to do with you. It's them. This was also the 2nd relationship were I have been cheated on too. But I don't blame myself whatsoever, the two of them had issues and are both dickheads. Surround yourself with people who genuinely care about you. Do what's right for you and I think you know deep down what that is xx

HamBone · 26/05/2023 23:01

Focus on having your baby and tell him that if he do anything like this again, he’ll be out on his ear, someone who behaves that way doesn’t deserve to have you and your DD.

It’ll be his loss if he betrays your trust again.

HIVpos · 27/05/2023 09:18

Ontime · 26/05/2023 22:56

Sorry to hear this. My ex cheated on me with prostitutes, I found out 3 months ago. Found an email from adultwork.com on his Apple watch. I demanded he show me his bank statements and he broke down in tears and confessed what he had been up to. I threw him out my house and binbagged all his stuff and dumped it in my front garden. I got no apology and he showed no empathy. I told everyone, I was not going to cover his ass by protecting him. I have just had my 3rd lot of hepatitis b injections and have to have a HIV test in August (6 months after we last had sex). Sometimes if something doesn't feel right and your instinct kicks in you need to go with it. I hope you have a good support network around you. I was with my ex for 9 years but he was abusive too. I swear to god its been 3 months since and I am in a much happier place. Do not blame yourself, this is nothing to do with you. It's them. This was also the 2nd relationship were I have been cheated on too. But I don't blame myself whatsoever, the two of them had issues and are both dickheads. Surround yourself with people who genuinely care about you. Do what's right for you and I think you know deep down what that is xx

The maximum window period for HIV tests nowadays is 3 months. If you were tested at this point you should be reassured you haven’t contracted the virus and shouldn’t need further testing
https://i-base.info/guides/testing/what-is-the-window-period

What is the window period for an HIV test? | Guides | HIV i-Base

https://i-base.info/guides/testing/what-is-the-window-period

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