How do they know?

[Walkacrossthesand]

I was reflecting today, on 2 women I know who experienced emotional abuse as children, and have had difficult adult lives as a result, encountering more than their fair share of bullies and unpleasant people.

We read that people of a bullying disposition have a 'radar' for vulnerability- but how so? I feel I am oblivious to such vulnerability unless/until I am told of it, by the person concerned, and I struggle to understand how they are recognised by bullies.

Does anyone know more about the 'brain science' behind this?

Bullies immediately look to get their own way and as they are massive cowards they quickly discard anyone who shows the least bit of resistance.

It is because their boundaries are weak or non existent, because they have been conditioned to accept behaviour that others would not tolerate.

An abusive person usually starts with an element of love bombing, which they fall for, and then they don't spot the red flags, or think they can "fix" them.

(Been there, worn the t-shirt and spent a lot of money on counselling!)

A general lack of boundaries and expectations, I think.

Don't know about the science of it.

But I suspect that when these sorts of people first test the waters by saying/doing something out of order, the victim doesn't call them out on it. Then they will keep pushing and pushing and the victim keeps tolerating.

I think that if the victim has come from an abusive background, they feel "comfortable" (for want of a MUCH better word) with the abuser"s behaviour because that's what they've grown up with.

So it's not so much a 'radar' that draws potential abusers to people, from afar - more of a 'picking up on early responses that suggest poor boundaries'.

All happening unconsciously I suppose - the 'victim' knows no other way to respond, and the controller has no insight into their behaviour.

This is quite often the case. It could be something quite simple that triggers it. Something you might not even be aware of or a reaction that is quite normal for the person who ends up being bullied (eg people pleasing, not standing up for yourself when they say something a little jarring but could pass off as a joke). But it signifies a lack of confidence, self esteem or boundaries to the bully.

So they do something else. A person's reaction could be anything their distorted perception regards as a 'weakness'.

It escalates but, by then, the victim is already feeling a little uncomfortable around them so they're less likely to challenge them and so it continues.

Although, it should also be noted that some people target people who do show resistance. It comes from the same place of insecurity and they want to remove the resistant person from their social/professional arena. In these instances, the bullying is less directed at the individual but more done behind their back- discrediting them to others, starting rumours etc. IME...

not meeting peoples eyes
shying away from any conflict
letting themselves be talked into things or walked over etc etc etc

The bully will teat them with firstly positive boundary crossing “you must come to xxxx expensive restaurant, I insist” or just seeing if they have the confidence to assert themselves.

This is an excellent way of explaining it.
The Shark Cage analogy: https://ccp.net.au/the-shark-cage-metaphor-in-abusive-relationships/

Your childhood examples of adult relationships come from the adults in your life but your normal might be different from my normal.

It's no surprise that my first ever boyfriend was a carbon copy of my dad, right down to his stonewalling, his refusal to communicate on an emotional level or ever share his feelings. It's also no surprise that I thought that to keep a boyfriend all I had to do was be a meek domestic goddess - because my mother had taught me that's what all "good" men want - a compliant, domestic appliance.

So when I met someone who had those kind of mysoginistic outdated values, it felt familar to me. I thought it meant we had clicked or connected but really what it meant was I recognised it. And presumably so did the other person. Whereas for someone who wasn't brought up with those traits like I was, it might be an utter turn off.

If you do some mulling over the kind of relationships you saw in your family growing up, it might give you some insight.

@Turfwars, I've never been bullied or in an abusive relationship, so I imagine I'm not sending out 'vulnerable' vibes. Nor do I perceive them, I can't predict which people I meet, will later tell me of the problems they've had. Hence my curiosity about this homing in thing.
Thanks for replies, all.

Poor boundaries etc is often used quite flippantly on here an elsewhere. It would be great to say that you can equip yourself to recognise the signs and not allow yourself to be sucked in etc and then you'll never be abused or bullied. But I don't think that's the case. Those who abuse can be masters of disguise and manipulation. Often people who thought themselves strong become victims of abuse. Often it sneaks up on you before you realise what's happening. Often you become entangled by money/having children/ trying to protect your children. Abuse and bullying is not one set thing. It morphs. Some people may go through life not every really recognising that it's happening to them.

Yes some people are more vulnerable but I think it's dangerous to think that anyone is protected from ever being a victim of it.