If you are or have been in an unhappy marriage

[ilovecats6]

What were your reasons for being unhappy?

I have such a bleak view of marriage. I am financially trapped in a verbally abusive, loveless marriage at the moment. I should have known better than to marry - everyone in my family is either divorced, unhappily married after adultery (but they stayed together anyway) or together for practical reasons despite not liking the person very much.

I think marriage is the kiss of death for a relationship (although mine wasn't great before either). But with others, it seems the cracks appear after marriage.

I won't deny I have changed and grown over our relationship too, and we want different things out of life. But I find him an unbearable person to live with now, I'm walking on egg shells every waking hour. I haven't had a fun day for years, I'm just surviving.

I felt unseen. I felt as though I were only one step up from a domestic machine - that my wants, needs and fears were not worth him even considering and I only existed, in his eyes, to clean, cook and care for the children. I wasn't worth kissing, unless sex was on the agenda, or asking any questions to other than 'what's for dinner?' As though I were barely even human.

my ex husband was a dick - that's the main reason. He was an insecure and selfish bully who abused me and blamed me for every single bad thing that happened in his life.

However, I was determined to not lose faith in either love, men or marriage as an institution. I've remarried and I am so glad I did

This pretty much. An emotionally and financially abusive, racist, homophobic, misogynistic narcissist. Walking on eggshells all the time. Confidence has been battered.

Currently in the process of getting divorced, have sold our house but now have to stay in the same small apartment until I can get my own place. It was a combination of the big things- controlling, financial secrecy, didn't share the mental load - and the little things - we are just not interested in the same things culturally, or lifestyle. What kept us together was our son, who brought out the best in both of us - but who is getting older and less reliant on us. When I found evidence that he was cheating, or was about to, it made me feel that there was literally nothing left. Luckily he agreed to a divorce. Financially it is a nightmare but he is legally required to support me until I can find a job and place of my own.

It's awful, but just having to grit my teeth and bear it while his behaviour is truly the worst it has ever been. Just keep telling myself it will soon be over!

I felt like a slave. I worked, did everything for the children and all the housework. He barely ever spoke to me or looked at me. He was angry all the time, always working or sleeping. I was resentful and closed myself off. I didn't trust him. He was depressed. We are both happier apart and quite good friends really.

@SynchOrSwim my husband left me just over 8 weeks ago and my MH has plummeted. I’ve been his verbal punchbag for years, he’s got issues with his mum and I think/feel that he’s projected his feelings for her onto me cos he’s too much of a coward to confront her. I wanted to leave him last year and he begged me not to so we worked at it, I stupidly fell in love with him again and then the shit hit the fan in august when he suddenly told me, in the middle of an argument, after 8 years of TTC, that he was no longer prepared to try or do fertility treatment.

and I’m here now, head wrecked, on AD, MH support, counsellor, my head fighting with itself - missing him like mad, guilty on my daughter, a complete mess. Saw a MH nurse last night who I feel validated my beliefs about him, and tonight my counsellor has suggested that I’ve spent so many years caring for his MH problems, that I’ve completely lost my self worth

please tell me I’ll get through this?!

I've been divorced a few years now but had been with my ex about 15 years from age 18.
It was never amazing but he treated me well and I felt loved. But over time things changed - he resented me having any sort of life of my own, didn't like me getting promoted, wanted me to pander to him over his health issues etc.

Gradually it turned into him making nasty comments, calling me fat, bringing up that his family hated me etc. Sex was awful, he disgusted me. I felt really trapped too. We argued constantly and both said horrible things.

Twice I found out he'd been up to weird stuff on the internet and trying to cheat. Then we got into an argument and he attacked me. We mutually decided to end things and although it was a huge change it was so much better that it ended.

Since we divorced I got promoted at work again and met someone else and now have 2 kids. Both me and my ex are with partners who are much more like ourselves. I've genuinely never had a single argument with my DP. To go from arguing constantly to never arguing is lovely and there's no drama or pettiness at all.
I still feel insecure due to things my ex said and made me feel, but my DP is very supportive.

@PissedOffNeighbour22 you sound similar to our situation. I just want peace, to be loved, and to laugh - I’ve had that a lot of the time although it’s all faded away with toxic rows towards the end

did you decide to divorce straight away? I’m not ready to and he’s saying he isn’t either, although he wants this

@Helpots I don't think either of us were happy for a long time but we just got on with it and carried on. We were just delaying the inevitable and making each other more miserable by staying together. I wish we'd done it years before.

The same week we called an end to things my ex went straight on online dating 🙄. He met someone very quickly.

I had a bit of a wobble a couple of weeks after we agreed to split and asked if he wanted a trial separation instead. He said no and I'm 100% sure it was because he'd already met someone else (his new wife). Thank god he said no!!!
We started the divorce very soon after calling it a day. He refused to move out until I'd paid him out for his half of the house so he was there around 6 months until the divorce finalised. He even insisted on going on holidays we'd booked unless I paid him out for them.

It felt freeing when he'd gone but starting dating again didn't go well and I met some right arseholes.
It did annoy me that my ex walked straight into another proper relationship on his first date. I hope she never encounters his nasty side like I did as they now have a child.

I met my DP about a year after my divorce and we've been together 5 years.

I guess it depends on what type of person you are, but ending my marriage didn't mean I suddenly became happy. I still had all the other stresses going on but it relieved some of that by not having the drama and arguments.

I thought I wanted this.. but 13 years in and 3 kids I’m not sure . the kids are very happy, my in-laws are very good to me and treated me like a daughter. Husband is a decent man, good to me , provides for us and treats me well. He loves me to bits and everything is great, but it’s me. I’ve moved countries, didn’t work for over 10 years and now I feel stuck. I don’t talk to my father and my mother isn’t financially secure so I don’t have a support system as I have no where to go and no money. My husband has ADHD, he’s anti social and has no friends and complains that we aren’t bonding. Which is true but after 13 years, I realised I also have no friends, my kids and my house are my life and I’ve lost my identity. Im not getting divorced but my MH is suffering, I know it so trying to see how I can get into work ( looking for courses) and hopefully into something that can keep me active.

I was unhappy for most of the 15 years I was married.

It wasn't 100% his fault, as since being single for around 5 years now I've realised that this is the life that makes me truly happy.

However what made me unhappy that was his fault was:
He was controlling - finances, where I was allowed to go, where we went as a family. He would open my post, go through my handbag, look up what I had done on the pc while he was out.
He never found anything (there was nothing to find)

He would sulk if I ever didn't feel like having sex.
He couldn't be bothered to even interact with me sometimes unless he wanted sex. He would give me the silent treatment if I didn't give in.
It was easier to just give in than have him take his bad mood out on the children all day

Every aspect of our family life he would discuss with his parents.
That upset me more than anything.

I was so, so exhausted when our children were small, but he would rarely help out, saying that he worked all week and needed downtime.

On the rare occasions we would go out for a meal, he would eat his food as quickly as possible and then want to head straight home to his gaming.

Like I said though, it wasn't all him. I am quite an introvert and love my own company. I'm not a fan of intimacy, and find people exhausting.

I am now the happiest I have ever been. Live alone, all adult children have flown and are happy and settled. I am comfortably off, have hobbies and a job I enjoy.

The bottom line was I felt like a maid and nanny. I was there to provide a clean home, look after the dcs and provide sex on demand.
Dh denied this but that was how he made me feel. I gave him an ultimatum to put me and the dcs first. He tried for a bit and then admitted he couldn’t do it.
It was hard but I was correct. He was one less child to look after when we divorced. He wasn’t a bad person and I don’t hold it against him. I should have ended things before I did but he wasn’t abusive so I just plodded on.

Workaholic husband always texting with his co worker (which I say his is emotionally wife) or replying to emails.
Functional Alcoholic - due to the stress of work
Boring and no energy - tired as working all the time
Totally Sexless for 4 years plus - but no kissing no nothing no affection. Haven’t slept in the same bedroom 13 years or more.
Controlling - no flex to move house - I hated that we moved out of London and he never would move back in - now stuck here where I don’t want to live and in a town I hate.
Never allow me to set up my own business as he wanted to know all the figures and always would say it won’t work.
Sen child - which has killed life as he’s extremely complex - unable to go out / function / hates people coming into our house - this put a HUGE amount of strain of life and limits life for all of us in the family - to cope then my husband works more or drinks more
Feel like a domesticated goddess skivvy - that’s my life - washing / cooking / picking up everyones rubbish he doesn’t help
God I hate my life if I could rewind I wouldn’t repeat the same ….
Refuses to move abroad where he could easy get a job in certain areas.
Unfortunately I quit my job for children and now I can’t get back into it - suppose I need some hobbies / fun things to do but I’m emotionally exhausted from the sen child unable to leave or even get a babysitter as he cant cope. All it is sort out children’s stuff / sort out the house that’s it - boring beyond belief and he works works works

I've been married to a weak and immature man for 18 years, 24 years together. I put up with it because he adored me and I guess I needed to be needed. In actual fact even the love proved to be weak when tested. I reckon I'd have maybe come home one day and found his stuff gone, had I not kicked him out about his emotional affair.
I'm currently trying to get him to be an effective father, he's always prided himself on being a good dad but it turns out he has no idea if I'm not feeding him instructions and boosting his ego with positive reinforcement statements.
He just says "I can't think of anything to do" when asked why he's still sitting in the same position for 10 hours. His mental health and ego are super fragile. All he ever did was reminisce about being a good footballer, worry about other people having better cars than him and looking at new hair styles for himself. In reality I bloody adored the man, not sure how he'll get by without it. The OW may last the journey if she can maintain that but I suspect she'll have more self esteem than me.

Boredom. Doing all the work and carrying mental load. Didn't fancy him. His wandering eye.