I just wish someone would say 'this is what you have to do'........!!!

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Ive been with my dp for about 5 years, lived together for 4 and have a ds who is 2.5, he has severe special needs.

Needless to say the past 2.5 years have been so tough soming to terms with everything and going through the whole process of acceptance. myself and my partner have thrown ourselves into our ds and totally forgotten eachother. We have not had sex since the time our son was conceived.

Hes my best friend but I dont desire him anymore and I dont know whether I should be brave and make the break or be happy that were such good mates and hope the rest of it comes back.

The thought of looking after my son alone worries me- its hard work due to his SN and all the appointments. I know I would still have his full support and also that of his family. I just think that if I give up then im going to be letting everyone else down including my son.

Ive felt this way for sometime know but im feeling it more than ever. I just dont know what to do, I dont want to hurt anyone but im only 28 and feel theres should be more to life for me.......am I being totallt selfish. you can be brutally honest with me

no you are not! Have you spoken to him?

I think it's fair enough and to be expected that you would both throw everything into caring for your son, coming to terms with a child who has SN would probably shake up any relationship I should think (but have no exp so can't say for sure but the beauty of mn is someone else will come along and set me straight)

You say you have family support, is there any way you could go away for a night or a weekend or even an evening? I think friendship is a good solid base to have a relationship and bring your son up so the rest can be worked on imo.

Do you think if you have some chill out time together you could remember why you used to fancy him?

I know when I'm busy/ children are ill etc our relationship esp the sex side slips and we have to make the effort to get back on track, lately because of our anniversary and valentines day we have been making lots of effort and we are closer than ever at the moment.

We're planning some real quality time together in a few months because his parents are taking our dd's on holiday for 2 weeks (yes i'm going to really miss them/ will feel like my arms and legs have been chopped off i should think) BUT they will love it and we are going to make the most of the time on our own - it will be the longest time we have ever spent alone as I had dd1 before we met about 7 years ago. So we're going for a long weekend away and another weekend to visit his sister we've booked a few days off work so we can have 2 days to really chill out/ listen to music/ watch tv/ talk etc then another day we're going to see a band in London.

After all my waffling I guess what I'm trying to say is if you are friends and you used to fancy him then I would try and work on making it work, if you don't have time/ energy to salvage this marriage then its unlikely you will have the time or energy to find a new relationship and even if you do he wouldn't be a patch on your dh by the sounds of it.

Can you list all of your dh's good points? Maybe by doing that you will remember the little things that made you fall in love and marry him?

we arnt actually married although as good as. He has so many good points and is a lovely bloke and fantastic with my son. I guess Im just wondering whether his SN is the only reason were still together. I have asked him outright and he denied this but im really not so sure.

I think weve been so long without sex that it just wont ever happen, i dont fancy him anymore and Im pretty usre he doesnt me to be honest.

I have tried talking to him but weve never really got anywhere, he just puts evrtying down to the strainof our son and the tiredness that comes with it which I agree with but, on a very selfish note, i want to be woth someone who I want to marry and I dont want to marry him.

Its such a shitty situation and I certinaly wont be making any rash decisions, i feel like Im properly going crazy. I really need to talk things through with my mum. I worry about taking care of him myself, how we would juggle the logisitcs of it all plus my son doesnt sleep and we take it turns to get up- if It were just me I couldnt go towork the next day.

If we arnt meant to be I dont want to deny him the chance of finding happiness again. I really need to talk to him but tnoight isnt a good night so hopefully ill get a chance in the next few days

thanks WLTP. I know other people can relate to relationship problems but I feel that my sons SN puts a different spin on things

I think thats exacty in I feel stuck and trapped and I may well have felt that way if my son didn't have the problems he had or even if a child had come along at all.

Ive felt this way for a while but Ive recently just been away with the girls for a couple of days and lived the life of care free days and I think ive come back and panicked that tere has to be more to life than this. I guess i wat to feel desired and not just be a mother, and whilst I was away I wasnt a mother but me doing fun things.

And if Im honest I dont really fancy my dp anymore- he is my closest friend and often it is like I am ust living with a housemate, I cant ever see sex returned as I feel that its just been neglected for too long.

I am going to suggest to dp that we take a long walk sometime very soon and for the first time Im going to be very open and honest about how im feeling and talk things through and encourage his to open up too as he can be a bit of a closed book.

Weve let ourselves slip into bad habits like once ds i in bed I often hang about up sairs as he sleeps so badly and can take hours to settle so I hang around for him whilst dp will try and find some footie on the tv downstairs. We are living seperate lives but kind of plodding along the same path i guess and routing for the same cause.

Oh its so bloody tough knowing what the right thing. Im worried Ill do the same as your dh WLTP and end up having a silly fling as a means of escapism, the first person that told me I was beautiful or whatever would weaken me as I guess I dont feel that way.

Im going to talk to dp, thats what I need to do and see what comes out of that conversation.