Sad about having to give up hobby (no advice just a handhold maybe?)

[HobbyDaft]

Not sure where to post this as I don’t really need any advice (as not much I can do about it unfortunately) and I don’t have anyone to talk to in real life about it. I need to be a bit vague as it’s outing (I’ve named changed but I do know some people who are on here and may recognise some details).

Backstory is I have a variety of MH etc problems, autism ADHD anxiety and depression diagnosed plus probably OCD among other things. Socialising and being out in the world have always been a struggle for me but I do it when I have to but when I don’t, I absolutely don’t. I wfh, I spend the majority of my time alone and mostly I’m happy that way. I do have a partner and we live together but with his job and hobbies we don’t spend much time together, which is fine but I find the longer I spend alone the more I want to be alone (if that makes sense?).

Anyway, about 10 years ago now I started doing some volunteer work, which is more of a hobby. I met DP there as an acquaintance, then friend and now we are together. It was a massive struggle at first as I was very reclusive right before I found this volunteer role but it became like therapy to me and now I absolutely love it, it’s been the highlight of my week (one day per week) for years. I am like a different person there although I obviously still have my struggles. But without it, I really don’t see another human all week except DP and maybe the postman or delivery people. I don’t even go for walks if I can help it. I can force myself to do things if it’s for someone else- eg if DP wants to go somewhere and wants me there then I will go, I wouldn’t want him having to do everything alone. Or if he wants to do stuff with his family or friends. This isn’t often as he doesn’t have much free time but the odd day out or weekend away.

The hobby has become a constant, I’ve only ever missed due to illness (and then during lockdown of course). Most of my friends are there. But now something has come up (again sorry to be vague but it’s very long winded to explain and also as I say outing possibly), which means I’ll have to significantly reduce how often I’m there. It’ll also mean more time alone. I won’t be completely giving it up but it’ll be more like once a month or a few times a year rather than almost weekly. I’m scared to become more isolated. And how often I can be there depends on other people to some extent so not having any control over it is scaring me too. It’s due to my MH, I don’t have anyone else to blame.

As I say I’m not asking for advice, I can’t ask people to help me work out what to do as there really isn’t anything I can do. I’m just sad. I’m aware it’s completely pathetic but even writing it down has helped a bit, and feeling someone is “listening”. I’m sure people will ask so I’ll just mention that I have tried medication, therapy etc. I’m much better than I was! I didn’t used to leave the house at all. I don’t think I can ever be “better” though.

Will dp still be doing more of your joint hobby? Could you find an alternative, if mh related are there any charities running activities you could attend

I’m aware it’s completely pathetic Why is it completely pathetic? You’re being very harsh on yourself. Doesn’t sound pathetic at all to me!

I've seen and heard you op.

That must be really difficult for you when you've found such a lifeline.

Is there a way to converse with people online due to this volunteering or some group online in relation to this? How would you feel about making friends online? Maybe it's something you can build up to meeting in real life one day but at your pace and it can maybe help fit in with your mental health?

DP will still be doing the hobby every week.

I would like to find an alternative, it’s just unlikely to be something similar and I’m not great with change. Plus starting something new and meeting new people. And it would have to be close enough to home to walk as I can’t face public transport alone (I can sometimes do it with DP if needed but that’s not very often).

Thank you x

Thank you x

I am much better online. I would be open to making friends online although unsure how to go about it? I do speak to friends from the hobby online and there is a group chat too (which I don’t say much in as I struggle in group chats but it’s still nice to feel included).

I don’t need an explanation but do you absolutely have to pull back on this? Are there no other options? This sounds like it has been a big part of your identity, like say maybe religion might be for another person and I think that the sacrifices you need to make would be better coming from another aspect of your life. Reading your post it strikes me that you are vulnerable and also Thad you also could be at risk of MH issues without this hobby. I would be putting it up on top of my priorities list along with housing, food, sleep and exercise as something that you must do rather than calling it just a hobby.

Do you enjoy online gaming? If you are more comfortable talking or chatting online than in person, there are many multiplayer games that have amazing online communities that are fun and very supportive. The games give people something in common and an endless source of topics to talk about, and you have fun in the process.

I know your not asking for advice and see no way out of it but it sounds to me like this hobby needs prioritising over everything so whatever it is that’s come up there must be an alternative surely so you can continue your hobby.

As you've really enjoyed volunteering, find another place to volunteer?

There are many many volunteer jobs that don't involve meeting the public, being in the public eye. Ideal for introverts and shy people. If you have any historic houses, museums, and nature conservancy groups nearby they will have backroom- volunteers doing some fascinating work in conservation and research.

@HobbyDaft I know you don't want to give any details, but you mention a new dp and posted in Relationships- is it something about the relationship that makes you need to step back? If so, are you sure it's essential that you do? Is a compromise possible?

I don't want to press for details but I agree with PP that it sounds like this activity is essential for your MH. So if there is any possible way you can maintain it as a weekly thing, I would try to look for solutions.

Otherwise, I would definitely look for something you can start doing to replace that activity with something else which gives you a reason/commitment to leaving the house and be socialising. Because I absolutely know what you mean about the less you go and socialise, the less you want to.

If you were to find something you wanted to try but it needed a journey by public transport, could your DP come with you on the bus/train the first couple of times so you felt more comfortable with the travel?

I can’t really see any option to keep it going atm. I’m not sure. Thanks, I always call it a hobby but it is more volunteering and socialising too really. I just don’t know.

I do like games, I’ve never been very good at them though. It would also be good to have something to do in the evenings (other than MN!), I’m not sure how I’d go about finding a game I liked though?

Thank you, yeah this is a possibility. I’d just need to find somewhere locally so I could get there. Strangely I do interact with people when I’m there (took a while but I got there in the end!), it’s like because I have a role there I feel comfortable talking to someone but I’d never talk to someone anywhere else if that makes sense? But yes I could look at something more “back room” where I could make friends with the other volunteers (hopefully) and do something useful (hopefully). I’m not sure I have many skills though!

Yes, it is related to DP in a way although absolutely not his fault and more to do with my MH. I went to relationships as people have been supportive in the past (I’ve name changed) and yes because at first I was going to try and explain the situation a bit more (in relation to DP and why) but it was confusing/too long and quite outing. I also went for relationships as in friendships. But yes you are right.

I’ve tried to think of compromises but none of them work/are fair on everyone. DP absolutely adores this hobby and I wouldn’t want to affect that at all or make anything difficult for him. So I do feel like there isn’t much else I can do really.

That is a possibility, it wouldn’t be easy but I’m sure I could do it as I have got buses and trains before- just not for a long time. I think DP would help with this, I’m not sure how we could fit it in but we could try and make it work. If I can find somewhere.

I would look for ways around whatever it is that is making you have to step back.
I know you don't want to say but can you give an analogy maybe so can help find solutions?

How disappointing for you. It sounds like an ideal hobby, with you giving a lot and getting so much in return.

Have you looked at ways to try to continue with it, given how essential it is? If it has changed venue which means you having to travel on public transport for example, could you practise the journey with DH a few times until you are comfortable with it.

Or if you have been given a therapy appointment which clashes with it, could you explain to your therapist how vital it is to your wellbeing and ask for any other day, given how flexible you are?

I know you asked for support not advice, but I do want to say one thing: you sound like you are quite hard on yourself. If you think about it - you started this, despite your anxieties and shyness, and it became so central to your wellbeing. If you can do this once, you can do it again and maybe then have the few sessions with the old volunteering as well as gaining confidence and socialising in a new role. Give yourself time to look for something that fits with your schedule, is near to home and appeals to you. Maybe narrow it down to two or three activities or charities and try them out, stick with them for a few sessions and then commit to the one that feels right. You did it before so you can do it again.

I'm just another one coming to say the same thing. this is 'just a hobby' for you - it sounds like it's extremely important to your MH and your life. please look for a way to continue or for a suitable and equivalent alternative. as you know, it's not good for you to not mix with others at all. please do try to find something else to replace it if you really can't continue.

OP

I'm very probably wrong in which case I'm sorry and please ignore me.

Is it to do with your DPs relationship with others in the group? And yours with the same people ?

Basically I remember a thread with a female group member aggressively coming onto OP's DP and him just letting it happen. (Please DM me if you prefer.)