Soul Mate + Husband Question!?

[OhLove23]

Hello :)

I apologise if this is long but thank you if you so read it to the end.

I am after some outside advice from others about a situation I find myself in and I’m struggling to talk about it to people in my life due to the nature of it & not wanting to be disrespectful.
15 years ago when I was in my early 20s, I worked with an older man who was 25 years older than me, we became friendly straight away because we both had similar interests, both loved the same films and books and both just had very similar outlooks on life, he was very spiritual and so was I, we had both lived in Thailand and I found it so easy to talk to him, in like a ‘dad’ kind of way - nothing more on my side whatsoever to start with as he was just so much older and not my ‘type’ at all if that makes sense. He had been married to his 2nd wife for 20 years at the time but I’m not sure if all was great there as I knew she lived in the annex of their house and they didn’t have much contact but I never really wanted to pry so I didn’t ask. About a year into working together we had a work night out and I brought my then boyfriend with me and he met my work friend for the first time and was very rude about me in front of everyone, telling my colleagues I was thick and couldn’t cook or drive very well, just being nasty / trying to be funny which shocked me and my friend (to my surprise) told him off in front of everyone and told him I was one of the most wonderful women he had ever met and that I was wasting my time with someone like him. Oh god the cringe factor but it was then that I realised he had feelings for me & it actually made me start to have them back. I broke up with my then boyfriend about 6 months later and long story short, I went on a work trip and my friend and I kissed, just once but it was so lovely and I realised I had definitely feelings for him although I couldn’t quite believe it, due to his age but I decided to apologise and stop all contact other than work because he was married and it was completely disrespectful. He changed jobs a few months later and other than remain friends on social media, we never spoke again.
Fast forward 15 years, I’ve been married for 10 years to my husband and have 3 children and all is great and my old colleague starts at my workplace - he is retired now but is a consultant so I see him maybe 3 or 4 times a month for around 6 hours as I work in the department he now operates out of and have to be in an office with him. He is still lovely and obviously life has moved on and he is coming up 60 now and still married (he does not have any children, his first wife died when she was 4 months pregnant with aggressive breast cancer so he never wanted them after that) - anyway it’s hard but we find ourselves talking like before and getting on so well but I’m just not sure if it’s inappropriate, I was single 15 years ago but I’m married now with a family and should I have this male friend at work who I once kissed? It’s stressing me out because things are purely platonic on the outside but i can’t decide if there is something still kind of there for me or is it just old memories?, nothing would ever happen as I’m not that kind of woman and adore my husband but I find myself a bit confused.
Can a man and woman who have previously had ‘something’ between them simply just be friends, is it right? I’d love to remain friends as we now have to work together and he is genuinely just a really lovely, interesting man who is a joy to chat to but not sure if it’s appropriate.
Thank you if you got this far x

I think it's fine to be casual work friends and chat but wouldn't be expanding this further- meeting outside of work, long or in depth personal conversations, texting or lunches together. To try and avoid someone at work will make it into an illicit 'thing' that will eat up more attention than if you just allow yourself to have the occasional convo with someone you knew previously. The kiss wasn't ideal but I don't think you allowed this to become an affair or anything. I would just suggest being friendly in the office, but boundaried, watch how much time you spend chatting and don't give it too much headspace. Watch yourself and him for making excuses to talk on work time. 'George knows a lot about XYZ. I must go and see if he's got time for a coffee and informal chat'. If this starts happening then distance yourself.

Thank you so much for your reply, you make perfect sense and have made me feel better. You are right, just normal chatting is fine but nothing too personal and I’ll try not to speak to him without a work reason if I can. It’s just such an informal office and we sit opposite eachother and everyone chats about evething so it’s hard to just stick to work 100% of the time. I should have mentioned, my husband knows about everything too and has no issue, it’s just me I think, I panic that once you have something there it never really goes, but maybe as long as nothing ever comes of it / nothing is acted on and people have moved on then what harm is there. Thanks so much again, your advice is really appreciated x

I brought my then boyfriend with me and he met my work friend for the first time and was very rude about me in front of everyone, telling my colleagues I was thick and couldn’t cook or drive very well, just being nasty / trying to be funny which shocked me .... I broke up with my then boyfriend about 6 months later

Why in god's name did you stay in a relationship for another six months with someone who slagged you off like that?

Anyway. Keep everything with this man on a colleague only basis. Put firm boundaries in place. If those start to slip, you need to look again at your relationship with your husband. I see past relationships as very much in the past now I'm with my DP. My feelings for those men have completely changed. I can be polite acquaintances with them. I don't want anything else from them.

Oh and stop thinking of him as a soulmate. It's not helpful. He's someone you had common ground and something of a connection with a very long time ago.

It sounds like you had a great connection and thats a wonderful thing to have experienced.

I'm friends with most my exes, but the ones I loved most, we message daily and my DP is really good friends with one now in his own right.
If he's driving near his home he'll give him a quick call and pop in with the kids etc to visit him.

As long as you and DH are happy and trust yourselves and one another, you can be friends and close with anyone.

You don't get deep connections with just anyone, if you and your older friend have hobbies, interests, even just same views and values, then you'll both add to one another's lives.

If he would struggle to not see you romantically or likewise, then it's unfair to all of you.

I'm a big fan of holding those we connect with close though, it's really not for everyone and has caused issues with other women, I will say.

I agree that you need to stop with the soul mate business. You're romanticising a situation that's incredibly common, and not that great either. Take away the gap year style mysticism, and you're left with just another middle aged married man with the hots for his 20s colleague, who befriends her, then takes advantage of the cracks in her relationship to persue a physical thing with her. Now 15 years on you are in danger of risking your marriage by projecting something unique and special onto a man in his 70s, who is highly likely to be completely out of step with your lifestyle as a relatively young woman.
If you can't get some perspective and realism into the situation you really should avoid him. The headspace this fantasy will take up will threaten your marriage.

Thank you so much, this is is exactly how I feel. He was never my ex to be fair, we never did anything other than kiss once and then decide never to speak again… I have a couple of exes who I wouldn’t touch with a barge pole now, including the one that was mean to me but this person is not that, has always just been such a beacon of happiness, I call him my soul-mate because that’s honestly how I see it, just as you’ve said, a soul that I connected deeply with - even if that person wasn’t meant to be in my life for long periods at a time. My husband us also a soul-mate, he is the only man I would ever want to be with that way, but it’s a shame to not have my friend in my life. I think I just need to set boundaries as another person said and just keep things completely above board and talk as friends do, nothing too personal etc. Thank you again for your replies x

OP, you do know that there's no such thing as a "soulmate" don't you? Who we meet & get along with is just pure chance.

Don't worry about keeping it to strictly work only, chat wise. I'd say general topics are fine too if you're in the same office otherwise it's another thing to give too much thought. I just meant no deep and meaningfuls or anything overly personal. That kind of thing. You'll be fine! Honestly. Even previously complicated relationships can evolve to become simple friendships/ friendly acquaintances.

Would I care about my OH working with someone he snogged? No, wouldn't bother me at all.

Would I care about my OH working with someone he described as his soul mate? Absolutely I would and would find it intensely disrespectful to even use the term let alone work together

Im not sure you're being truthful to yourself

Is his wife still living in the annex 15 years later OP?

I doubt she ever was.

Sounds like he was just a sleaze then so is probably still one now.

I think that might be subjective depending on what you believe. I believe in the soul and that certain people are people we were always ‘meant’ to meet. It’s just my personal view and I understand if it’s not something you believe.

Thank you for your reply, I’ve probably not made things very clear in that there is absolutely no physical attraction my side, he is 60 for goodness sake and not like, a George Clooney 60. Not to be unfair I know all that is subjective but my husband has seen him and knows about it and my husband is not worried in the slightest, my husband is a very attractive lovely successful man and knows I love him truly. He isn’t bothered with me being friends again but I just thought is it right (even though my husband isn’t bothered) just wanted some outside perspective . Thank you so much for your reply.

I would respectfully disagree, my husband and I very much accept we are soulmates. However it is personal choice and I can respect your preference to not believe in them.
But I do think OP needs to stop thinking of the colleague as a soul mate. That is not going to end well if it continues- for her, her husband or the colleague. All about respecting boundaries for sure.

100% this!

Oh god I completely forgot that part, yes they are still married but they live apart, don’t ask me why!! I didn’t want to pry and it was another colleague that actually told me. He bought her a house in London where she now lives and he lives in the original house.

Brilliant post.

Thank you so much to all who have replied.
I agree with much of what has been said and to be honest I still don’t know what to do so I think it’s probably best I try and just limit contact as it’s not really needed in my life. The past sometimes needs to be left where it is.

I know people on MN seem to thing things like this can be ignored and you have to forget what happened. But obviously that isn't always possible. You'd know for sure if you wanted anything more with this man, and you'd be willing to leave your husband and kids to run off with him.

You had a thing and obviously felt strongly for him for an amount of time, but really if he was 'the one' and your husband isn't, you'd have sought him out much earlier.

Enjoy working with an old friend, but keep it to work. You don't need to re-open that can of worms and if he's unhappily married he'd probably be the one starting anything.

I think that might be subjective depending on what you believe. I believe in the soul and that certain people are people we were always ‘meant’ to meet. It’s just my personal view and I understand if it’s not something you believe.

At this point though, this highly subjective belief is not really doing you any good. It's enabling you to feed this idea that somehow you and this man are meant to meet and to have this connection. Reality is he's a slightly suspect character who had a crush on a much younger colleague, whilst he was still married. If you let go of the 'oh, a soul mate, it was written in the stars!' stuff, it's easier to see him for what he is.

I'm not a spiritual person or religious but I just want to say I really like how you say soul mate. I met a woman online and it wasn't a romantic connection at all, just friendship, (both straight women) and we no longer talk as our relationship was so intense it became quite toxic, (too similar and it became unhealthy) but during that intense level of friendship i did question were we soul mates.
She lived across the world and we'd talk for hours despite times difference each day.
So I get your term soul mate not being a romantic term.
Sometimes we just simply connect deeply with someone and it feel different to other connections.

I really hope this is a good thing in your lives! X

I'm friends with most my exes, but the ones I loved most, we message daily and my DP is really good friends with one now in his own right.

This is not…usual. You message your exes daily?

Thank you for your reply, yes I think sometimes from the outside looking in it seems easier to just forget things and put things in neat boxes and pack them away etc but in reality it’s harder. It would be so easy to just never speak to this person again but is that right? I don’t know, I feel like I’m probably making it out to be more than it is, it’s a 60 year old and a 36 year old that see eachother in a busy office once a week but it’s just deep down I feel like we were supposed to be friends - that probably sounds weird. He isn’t creepy or weird in the slightest, he is a very lovely kind man who is probably the most mild mannered unassuming person I’ve ever met, he is a doctor and one of those doctors that would just put you at ease and show humility straight away. Anyway sorry to ramble but thank you for your reply. I have no romantic feelings for him, just think he is a great person and would be a shame to not be friends but just wanted someone outside to take a look at it lol.