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Relationships

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Navigating complexities SC & in laws

11 replies

Narwhalelife · 23/05/2023 08:06

Renewed the relationship with the love of my life about one year ago. We were childhood sweethearts then it all went a bit south for reasons out of our control and we separated for 18 years. In that time we both had other relationships and children (me DD 13 - him DD 5).

We have a wonderful relationship, we were careful with the children and even now they have only met once together although he and j have seen each others children more often (ie he comes out with me and DD, I go out with him and his DD when he has her) not all the time as I often work weekends, have other plans etc.

His parents seemed to like me, said they were really happy for us etc but now seem to resent the fact I am in DP’s DD’s life and often make comments about it being too soon and too much/confusing for her etc. I don’t know how to navigate it, his DD always asks for me and we get along great - her mother knows and is ok etc so it isn’t causing any tension.

We are keen to pursue a life together, talking about moving in, in time etc - the mention of this causes Pearl clutching. I go from being a ‘lovely women’ to almost like a young girl who’s after their son for a shag and won’t stay around etc

For the record I’m nearly 40, own my own home, really good job, my DD is happy, healthy, well rounded etc but I feel like I’m so bit on the side that isn’t good enough to be in their grandchild’s life.

What can I do?

OP posts:
Narwhalelife · 23/05/2023 08:08

I should also add, they were unfavourable about SDD meeting my DD, almost like they made it even worse which hurts as my DD is absolutely lovely and brilliant with her.

OP posts:
marshmallowmatcha · 23/05/2023 08:12

Have they met your DD?

Do they see SDD often? Could it be jealousy that you see her more than them?

hedgehoglurker · 23/05/2023 08:19

Why are they so involved in your relationship? Does your boyfriend live with them?

Gcsunnyside23 · 23/05/2023 08:21

I would say it's jealousy if she's spending less time with them now this when your partner was single?

Shivvy120 · 23/05/2023 09:32

Maybe they are a little over protective here. You guys know each other for years & you are successful in this life - they can't exactly say you're after him for security etc!
Maybe they don't want to believe or admit to the fact that his relationship with his Childs mother is over. Are they old fashioned? Who knows what they believe when they have heart to hearts but them... All of that aside you are two grown ups and his parents need to loosen their grip entirely on him. He knows what's best for him.

billy1966 · 23/05/2023 09:50

Step away.

Be very wary.

This is NOT for you to sort out.

This is for HIM to fix.

Stop meeting his parents at all.

Why are you involved with them?

They have issues and this will not be a good environment for your daughter to be around.

You need to put your child first ahead of him.

Continue to see him 1 on 1, and watch carefully how he steps up.

If he is passive about his parents attitude to you, he is a weak dud and you would be very wrong to drag your daughter into a sour dynamic where you znd your child are not wanted.

Narwhalelife · 23/05/2023 10:01

marshmallowmatcha · 23/05/2023 08:12

Have they met your DD?

Do they see SDD often? Could it be jealousy that you see her more than them?

No, they haven’t met her.

I don’t see her more, they definitely do.

OP posts:
Narwhalelife · 23/05/2023 10:02

hedgehoglurker · 23/05/2023 08:19

Why are they so involved in your relationship? Does your boyfriend live with them?

He doesn’t live there but when he has his DD he stays with them - so they can spend time with her (and I think it was started so they could support him with her when he first separated from her mother as she was young)

OP posts:
Narwhalelife · 23/05/2023 10:04

Shivvy120 · 23/05/2023 09:32

Maybe they are a little over protective here. You guys know each other for years & you are successful in this life - they can't exactly say you're after him for security etc!
Maybe they don't want to believe or admit to the fact that his relationship with his Childs mother is over. Are they old fashioned? Who knows what they believe when they have heart to hearts but them... All of that aside you are two grown ups and his parents need to loosen their grip entirely on him. He knows what's best for him.

I thought this as his ex cleaned him out pretty much but they know I’m secure in my life.

They appear quite old fashioned and I do wonder if they were always hoping he may reconcile his previous relationship for the sake of his DD - although that would be wholly inappropriate

OP posts:
Narwhalelife · 23/05/2023 10:06

billy1966 · 23/05/2023 09:50

Step away.

Be very wary.

This is NOT for you to sort out.

This is for HIM to fix.

Stop meeting his parents at all.

Why are you involved with them?

They have issues and this will not be a good environment for your daughter to be around.

You need to put your child first ahead of him.

Continue to see him 1 on 1, and watch carefully how he steps up.

If he is passive about his parents attitude to you, he is a weak dud and you would be very wrong to drag your daughter into a sour dynamic where you znd your child are not wanted.

I hear this really clearly.

He has been supportive and says they are just wary/overprotective and it doesn’t change what he wants with me but I’m conscious that if he ‘choose’s our family’ so to speak that will drive an even bigger divide.

OP posts:
Menstrualcycledisplayteam · 23/05/2023 10:17

They're being protective because you've only been together for a year. It's understandable and will just take time - everyone in this scenario has the 5 year old's best interests at heart. You're all on the same side, so all this talk of issues, stepping away etc is unnecessarily antagonistic. Get on with your lives, be happy, make time to spend time together but make sure you both have time separately with your own children/families. This page is littered with blended families gone wrong - don't rush to move in together, and above all just be happy!

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