Hi, I am having some trouble with my marriage and really quite confused, so looking for some perspective. I am 34 and have been with my husband for my entire adult life (we married aged 23). We have two daughters aged 4 and 1. I have been suffering with chronic insomnia for a few years and realised only quite recently that I was not coping with life as well as I thought, so sought counselling. Through this I have realised that I grew up in a toxic family where I was emotionally neglected and abused, basically trained to keep quiet and not be an inconvenience to anyone. While trying to come to terms with this and figure out what kind of involvement I want with them in the future, I have started to realise that my relationship with my husband is not very healthy either.
My husband had a very traumatic childhood for several reasons and when he lost his mum aged 17, I wanted to be there for him. He has always showered me with affection, compliments and gifts in return. Our family and friends are always saying how much they admire our relationship and what a good guy he is. He pulls his weight with the children, probably doing more than 50% of their care, despite the fact that he suffers with chronic anxiety and depression for which he takes medication. He is a very generous (if slightly demanding) lover. So it seems that I have everything to be grateful for and little to complain about.
The problem is, he is emotionally and financially dependent on me. I have spent my entire adult life trying to ease his anxiety, depression, fatigue and heartache but it is a bottomless pit and I have become exhausted. I feel suffocated trying to help him get through normal aspects of life without experiencing too much pain, and have had to suppress all of my own emotions to do this. To add to the pressure, he works part time in a low paid job while I work full time and bring in most of our money. I have asked him several times to try and get better work but he gives up at the slightest hint of failure, and I am made to feel guilty for having asked in the first place.
By this point I have a conditioned response to the slightest indicator that he is unhappy. It gives me intense feelings of anxiety and guilt. This is has imposed big limitations on me, for example I do not drive because it makes him too nervous to be in the passenger seat, which also leaves me in the position of having to ask him to drive me everywhere. I do not feel able to rest when I am ill (even minor surgery) because he becomes exhausted and overwhelmed, and snaps at our daughters. I feel I have to ask for permission to pursue my hobbies even when I have cut those back massively over time. In addition to working more hours, I cook almost all of our meals and do more of the cleaning to take the pressure off him. It sounds silly but I even feel guilty for going to the toilet sometimes because he seems to struggle so much in my absence. I often feel trapped and even controlled.
Additionally, before we had children he had a period of very bad depression in which he was frequently suicidal. He treated me quite badly despite my efforts to support him and had an emotional affair with a friend. His own therapist confronted him about this at the time and he denied it. I forgave him without any argument because his mental health was so poor at the time, but having made so many sacrifices to help him be happy, I still feel pain about it. I guess one major issue is that I have always known that if I walked out on him, there is a real chance he might kill himself.
I am starting to think that he has unintentionally subjected me to a sort of low grade abuse for my entire life, and my gut instinct is to protect our children from his behaviours. But on the other hand, I know that he does genuinely love me and is generally the kindest and most loving man. He is having counselling again now, and I think he might be willing to make some real changes for the better. But after 17 years, I have made so many sacrifices and I am so drained, I am not sure whether I should gamble the rest of my 30s on that. I wonder what other people would do in my position? Thanks so much if you read this until the end, I know it is long.