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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Missing the Mother of my child

19 replies

Scottsman84 · 22/05/2023 18:57

Hi I am a man and a father of a beautiful daughter who is approaching 3. My ex and I split up 6 months ago, when she said she wasn't happy and we needed a break, I had to leave the house and stay at my friends. We fell out a few weeks later when she said she loved me but I had to emotionally grow, shortly afterwards she said it is over.

I have since got my own place and have my daughter staying overnight at weekends etc which is great.

During the initial break up I was too preoccupied about seeing my daughter and annoyed about what my fiancee was doing to process the actual relationship ending.

Since then I've realised how much I love my ex and there just seems to be layers and layers to the love, 1 day I think am ok but then I remember what I've lost, it breaks my heart.

Me and my ex are getting on well and I've just dropped my daughter back to her and I stayed 10 mins or so chatting to my ex about nothing in particular.

The reason I would like advice is that I've wrote my ex a letter explaining how I fell in love with her and how she is a great mum, makes me a better man and apologising for letting her down. I have had the letter in my car for 2 weeks and haven't had the courage to give it to her? Part of me thinks I shouldn't rock the boat, the other part thinks life is too short. I showed my best friend and he thinks I should give her the letter.

I have no interest in anyone else and am pretty sure my ex is still single. Any advice would be welcome thanks.

OP posts:

meandtheboy · 22/05/2023 19:01

I think you should give it to her - if it apologises for letting her down then I don't think she could take offence at that? And either she'll respond and say that she misses you too, or she won't...and either way you'll know, rather than forever wondering "what if..."

Good luck @Scottsman84.

MidsummerNightsDream · 22/05/2023 19:06

I think you should give her the letter. Whatever the futures holds, she will know that you love her and always will, whatever form that love is in.

OhDoh · 22/05/2023 19:09

I think you should give her it. If nothing comes of it so be it but you won't no if she doesn't read it. X

WildFlowerBees · 22/05/2023 19:10

Life is short, send her the letter.

Dyrne · 22/05/2023 19:13

I think if you’re going to write to her with the hope of reconciliation, you need to write more.

She told you why she broke up with you - you need to show her you’ve listened and have taken steps to address it.

She’s said you needed to emotionally grow - have you asked her what she meant by that?

Is it that you weren’t pitching in with your share of the housework and childcare? Is it that you weren’t able to express your appreciation or love for her? Is it that you were unable to empathise and support her when she needed it?

Giving her compliments and saying you love her is a start, I suppose, but that is literally the bare minimum.

AgentJohnson · 22/05/2023 19:19

She told you why she broke up with you, were you listening? Saying you love her isn’t addressing the problem as she sees it.

Original poster

Scottsman84 · 22/05/2023 19:30

Thanks everyone for your replies. In terms of emotional growth, I believe I have in the last few months, and I am open to grow further.

I always did my share of housework etc and was always available for the family when I was off work.

Part of sending the letter is emotional growth, I do not ask to get back together in the letter and I say if she is seeing anyone I wish her well. I say at the end of the letter that I want us to get on as best as possible.

I think she is conflicted too, she put on disappearing messages on our WhatsApp chat and then 2 weeks later took them off, I never acknowledged to her that I had noticed.

We split as we were having too many rows.

OP posts:

IAteAllTheTomatoes · 22/05/2023 20:03

What was causing all the rows? How do you know you both won't go back to that go back to that patten again?

What do you both mean by emotional growth and you are sure that it means the same thing to both of you?

Would you both be open to couples counselling?

If you have can address those issues then maybe but otherwise it's just a letter?

Original poster

Scottsman84 · 22/05/2023 20:28

Most of the rows were about trivial things, we both work full time and we have a toddler and we were both exhausted, I had only passed my driving test and was a nervous driver which meant I wasn't doing alot of running to get things etc. I am now a confident driver. My ex is also a performer and I was annoyed that she took on as many gigs as possible rather than family time, I now understand she needs to get work when it is going.

Things between us seemed to change after our child was born, we didn't cooperate as we should have as parents. I was ignorant to the fact she needed family support, I took it as her family interfering. Again I have addressed this in the letter and apologised for being too immature to realise this.

My letter is not asking for her back it is me acknowledging I was in the wrong, what she means to me and also to show I'm no threat and still her biggest fan.

OP posts:

ReturnfromtheStars · 22/05/2023 21:07

Your letter sounds kind and respectful a great conversation starter. Nothing to lose by sending it.

itsgettingweird · 22/05/2023 21:18

I'd send it.

You may not get the response you want but you'll get answers which promotes closure.

I loved my ex for a long time after we split (he cheated so I hated him too!).

I told him what I needed if we were to ever consider trying to move forward.

He didn't, couldn't or wouldn't acknowledge this.

A letter like the one you've written may have changed the future oath.

IAteAllTheTomatoes · 22/05/2023 21:47

After your last update, I would give her the letter. It does actually sound like you have taken the time to really reflect on your contribution to the arguments & thst you would do things differently with benefit of hindsight. She probably would do bit the stress of a young family often clouds that.

I don't see any downside but it could go eitherway but I think she'll appreciate it, even if it's too late for her.

I hope it works out for you.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 22/05/2023 23:12

Send it - and I hope it works out too

Blip · 23/05/2023 07:29

Are you having counselling?
This might be useful if personal growth is a goal.

Saucemonkey · 23/05/2023 07:30

Don’t have regrets, send the letter !

Peanutlatte · 23/05/2023 16:14

send the letter.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 23/05/2023 16:20

Another vote for giving her the letter.

Good luck OP.

AnotherDayOfSun · 23/05/2023 19:58

Another vote to give the letter. Your family unit deserves every chance you can give it to work. If enough time passes, the split will likely become permanent, so give it another chance now, while there is still time. And if you still split up, at least you will know that you gave your family unit every opportunity.

IDontWantToBeAPie · 23/05/2023 20:24

Just give it to her.

But know that if you do you will have to 'emotionally grow' if that's what she thinks ended the relationship.

Clearly she didn't end it for no reason.

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