Looking for advice

[Keasas]

Hi everyone, I’m really struggling at the moment.
I moved across to my partner and babies dad when we had our wee girl whilst on maternity leave as he is in the forces and easier for him when I was off so he could see our wee one.
He works day and night and only off a full day on a Sunday( Saturday he golfs) and a Monday and Tuesday evenings.
I know he works hard to pay for his mortgage etc so this has always been the norm.
my issue is that if I ask him to put the baby to bed or give her a bath on his nights off he simply says that she’s used to me so doesn’t want to disrupt her routine but has also jokingly said that’s the woman’s job which has actually quite upset me many times.
the biggest issue now is that I plan on going back to work which means moving back near family for child care as she’ll only be a year old which was always the biggest option in the beginning but he is now saying that me doing that I would be taking our wee one away from him and is upset and angry.
i’m emotionally drained as the thought of not earning and completely relying on him when I have no savings and being at home alone away from friends and family for the next two years is upsetting.
he lives in a very quiet town where I don’t know anyone apart from him and although there is a baby and toddler group I also worry about our wee one not having friends and other family to see regularly.
he is hardly at home.
Any advise with others in similar situation would be appreciated.
Thanks

My first reaction to this is that you must do what is best for you and baby even if that means moving out.
He may be upset but he will need to learn to give something up so he can stop being angry and see more of the wee one. He needs to be a parent!

I hate to say it OP but hes being a bit self centred and selfish so if you were my daughter or friend I’d tell you to do whatever is going to be more supportive for you and baby.

Just give him the baby and tell him to do it.

'You're her parent. Parent. If you don't, I'm leaving'.

Of course if you keep doing everything he's just going to let you.

If he doesn't step up then absolutely leave. Start the new job but be packed ready to move home if you need to. If he doesn't step up whilst you're at work. Also, you can have him pay for a babysitter.

He doesn’t just get 1 day off a week, he gets 2 but chooses to spend the day on his hobby.

Thanks everyone for advice. It’s difficult as he does seem to love our daughter and is very good with her when he does spend time with her. If I bring up any topic regarding doing more with her when he’s off or bring up the subject of me having to move away to go back to work he says im having a go at him 24/7 and has also punched a door as I made him so angry :(

Leave, move and start working and earning, this man is neither a decent father or partner. He is too misogynistic and selfish to do anything for his child, but thinks he can dictate where you go anyway? What a level of entitlement, he sounds disgusting. And he is violent as well as selfish, a dangerous person to be around. I suggest you leave quietly when he is not there, because you may be in a lot of danger when he finds out. Make sure everyone around you knows what is going on too. You will need their support.

'As I made him so angry'

Right so, if he hit you would that be because you 'made him so angry' too?

What you are talking about is abuse op. He didn't punch the door because he was angry, he punched the door to scare and intimidate you.
That's what abusers do. It's to say to you 'if you don't behave the way I want, this could happen to you'. It makes you shut up. It makes you walk on eggshells, worrying you might do something to anger him.

You're not to blame for him punching walls. Punching walls is what sociopaths do. It's not normal. And based on your update he's gone from crappy father to abusive garage.

Get out of there fast.
Don't raise a child in a household seeing its mother abused by its father. Its not ok.

There's no excuse for his violence. There's no excuse to damage your home or scare you and the child.

Get out and never go back. If he wants to see the child, always do any handovers and drop offs in a public place.

This is very serious op. Speak with women's aid. Get out. Do the freedom programme online.

And above all, remember this- you do not 'make' anyone violent. He is violent because he chooses to be.

*abusive garbage.

the biggest issue now is that I plan on going back to work which means moving back near family for child care as she’ll only be a year old which was always the biggest option in the beginning but he is now saying that me doing that I would be taking our wee one away from him and is upset and angry.
You could have got upset and angry about him refusing to look after his own child. He's acting from the POV that you are the one that has to do what he wants, and not vice versa. He said it was the woman's job in a jokey voice, but it was not a joke; that's what he thinks.

You're buying into his narrative that he does not have the day off on a Saturday, when he clearly does. Don't put yourself second out of misplaced feelings of guilt/duty. It would be risky for you not to go back to work, as a self-centred person does not act in others' best interests.

Leave now. This is the best decision you can make. He is violent and abusive. Just leave now because it's going to end eventually.

Really appreciate everyone’s thoughts so thank you.
He has only got so angry and punched the door once in the 6 months I’ve been there so not a regular thing. It’s more the “ you’re taking MY daughter away from me” thing that he keeps saying when I mention that I think it’s best to go back to work which is worrying me so much as to what he might say or do if I decide too.
He’s also started saying MY daughter with regards to things recently instead of Our which also worries me, it’s almost like a threat but I could be reading it wrong.

Here's the thing op, you're scared of your own partner (like, what.the.fuck!)

And if it feels like a threat, it IS a threat. But the good news is its an empty threat as you already know he doesn't want to look after her so he obviously won't actually want to take her full-time (and obviously he can't anyway as it doesn't work that way lol)

A partner should feel like a safe person.

This guy is setting off your instincts in bad way left, right and centre.

LISTEN to your warning instincts. That's what they are there for. If they tell you someone is a threat or means you harm or hates you or anything like that - they are 100 percent on the money.

Get away from him.
That 'oh he only hit the door once'.
OK well he could only kill you once and leave your daughter motherless too.

Look back over your language choice in your posts

'He ONLY (did something really scary and threatening infront of me, the mother of his child) once'
'Im worried what he might do if...'
'I made him so angry that he..."
'My instincts tell me...but I should ignore them...right?'
'I made him angry so thats why he...'
'Maybe I'm overeacting by wanting to trust my own instincts or by being scared/upset by obviously scary/hurtful behaviour'
'He is very good with our daughter (on the rare occasion he botherss with her) (so maybe I should let everything else slide)'

All of these are things abused women say.

Thank you