Was I in an abusive relationship or were we just not compatible

[Middleofthenight7]

Sorry so long just need some advice to get things straight in my head as I am very confused.
i am just coming out of a 25 year relationship (I didn’t end it) and I am heart broken but trying to come to terms with it. I knew things weren’t great but I thought we just needed to work on them and spend more couple time together which in my head was the plan as I have more disposable income now due to youngest starting school.
I work almost full time but do all drop offs and picks ups. I take both dc to all activities/parties/social meet ups outside of school. I do all reading, spellings and homework, all doctors, hospital and dentist appointments. I do all housework, cooking, cleaning ect because he had a hobby that he wanted to do 6 days a week and if he did housework too we would spend no time at all together. He would only go on days out to places he wanted and not just suck it up for the kids so I often would go by myself or with friends instead.
over the past year he has become increasingly angry towards me, he often punches walls and has broken two doors in anger (though never touched me) he has called me names and calls me a bully if I try to get him to talk about something he doesn’t want to. He used to be so lovely and we have had some amazing times but I feel as though I have turned him into something else and I just need some outside perspective

So sorry to read this. It sounds like it’s been a hard graft living with such negativity. Your H sounds selfish (6 days a week doing a hobby!)
Spread your wings and start afresh- learn to live happily alone and see where they takes you.

hugs

So sorry to read this. But let's get one thing straight, you did not turn him into the person he is now. You are not the reason he is treating you badly. He has not and is not pulling his weight and getting involved in his family life. He sounds like he hasn't grown up. Can you at least get him to agree to see a counsellor - hearing how things are for you through someone else's words might help him see himself and your relationship differently. Personally I'd be contacting a lawyer and making plans for a clean break but in the meantime you need to live the man.

Wow, you did well to stay so long. You’re well rid.

Yes, punching walls and breaking doors is intimidating and abusive. I'm so sorry you had to suffer so long with this prick. Remember that even after abusive relationships end, it takes time for us to get out of the mindset and dynamic of that relationship. So if you have periods of missing him, that is normal, but not a sign you should get back together.

You didn't turn him into anything.

Yes this is abusive, no you did not cause it.

The Freedom Programme might be really worthwhile for you.

Absolutely he was abusive to you. No, do not engage in therapy with him as a PP suggested. Throwing things or hitting things is him telling you what he would like to do to you.

I'm sorry you are so heartbroken about it ending but honestly, you will look back and wonder why you stayed.

Thank you all, I’m just struggling with the what ifs, what if I had complimented him more or what if I had a better job. He’s made it sound like I was some awful person to live with but I really don’t think that I am in fact I think I have dealt with a lot of other outside factors (I have two very I’ll parents) and still managed to maintain a house and a job and two very happy children who do well at school, I just dropped the ball on the relationship and now I’m fairly certain he has moved on (we’ve been split 2 months) and haven’t sorted anything out properly yet. He acts like our life meant nothing and now I just have to accept that I have to leave my beautiful restored home and not see my kids for however many days he decides. He gets angry anytime I try to talk to him about the kids and how it might not go how he’s planning. I think he just assumes everyone feels the same as him and we just have to ignore anyother feelings. I have known idea how to get through to him. Thank you for listening

I will look at the freedom program and I do think I need a bit of therapy

I def won’t be going to counselling with him, that time has gone

Sorry to hear this. My ex was very angry too he would shout and ball at me and give me the silent treatment for days. He got really angry towards the end and it was because he was cheating on me with prostitutes. I dumped him after 9 years and my brother kicked him out of my home. It's been 3 months since then and I am still going through the motions. Anger/hurt/betrayal. I have blocked him, all his mates and his entire family on social media. Luckily I didn't have kids to him as he was infertile. Usually if their personality suddenly changes and they become worse its because they are upto something/ hiding something. It will take time for you but you will start to feel better soon. I keep apologising to myself for allowing the emotional abuse to go on for so long. Be kind to yourself and remember you did not change him, none of this is your fault. He is just a selfish idiot who took advantage of your kind nature. Now he will have to fend for himself and do his own bloody housework (assuming he is no longer living with you).

His anger is his issue, and it's not your job to get through to him. He is very much responsible for his own behaviour and for communicating his needs if they are not being met and dealing with the issue, rather than punching walls and doors.

Concentrate on setting yourself up to provide a peaceful home for you and the kids, one step at a time. Couples counselling shouldn't be entered into if there is any abuse, ever. Counselling for you, absolutely.

One step at a time, you're not responsible for him or his behaviour. That wasn't ever your job and it certainly isn't now.

You've been his slave for 25 years while he did his own thing you've not dropped the ball on the relationship he never picked it up...6 days of hobbies so he didn't have to do anything lazy arsed user.
You may have to lose your home ....but so will he, it's a joint asset the children can choose what they want to do.

It's not about "how many days he decides" we wants the kids etc. You are no longer a team, so you don't have to - and shouldn't - accede to his demands.

He's not your friend (arguable he hasn't been for ages) but you need to take control of your own life and fight for the future you want without him. I know this isn't something you ever planned but you cannot sit around and wait for him to decide what's fair for you. You already know his idea of sharing is everything for him and nothing for you.

He is a spoiled entitled man used to living his life as he pleases. When someone is facilitating that he is 'lovely'. Why would he not be?
When life and responsibility gets in the way of his wishes, he is like a thwarted child, blaming the adult in his life (you) that the sun isn't rising and setting to his whim.
He lashes out and gaslights you into thinking that you have caused it by your failure to keep him happy enough.
In fact you have gone above and beyond what is remotely reasonable to facilitate his wishes. You are in no way to blame for his serious character defects and failure to transition to an adult who accepts his responsibilities.
The very best thing he could have done for you was to set you free, as he would never have changed or improved.
Enjoy your freedom, you have earned and deserve it.

Hobby 6 x a week or OW involved more likely, that's why he turned nasty when you became the thorn preventing him from being with OW.
He's done you a favour in the long run. You've been self-sufficient for a long time. He will have to start doing housework whether he lives alone or with someone else, otherwise he wouldn't get put up with. You get to live your life in peace going forward, however he will forever be stuck with being the nasty man he is, he can't run from himself. You will be fine, you can do this.