Help breaking a cycle (TW: child abuse)

[Rainydays777]

I was hoping for some support from anyone who has been through similar if at all possible.

For background, I have had a very traumatic life. I was sexually abused a child which resulted in my making some very poor life decisions as I was essentially recreating the abuse. Eating disorder in teens, a string of abusive relationships including a highly abusive marriage. I escaped that but lost everything including my dogs. I’ve engaged in sex work in the past. Basically have had to do what I could to survive.

Despite that I am very intelligent, attractive and well educated with two degrees and a masters degree. Elements of my life have been successful, however I feel like I am in a constant cycle of always having to deal with the last traumatic and stressful event that I can never quite manage to reach a place of actual security, despite being so close.

I made the decision to break the cycle of falling back on sex work for good relatively recently. It is a trap and it has kept me stuck, ultimately, but despite my education etc I cannot get a job and have struggled for the last six months. I now have absolutely no money. I will have to move back in with my parents.

I know it is the most loving decision I can make for myself but I just feel so utterly shit. Months of rejections have left my self esteem in tatters and it just feels like it’s confirming that the only thing valuable about me is my body. I received nothing in the divorce from my exH because it wasn’t safe to engage with him.

I perhaps naively thought that an act of self love, by finally escaping this trap and finally not subjecting myself to more abuse, would make me feel better but I don’t think I’ve ever felt so low.

Is this normal? To feel so sad even though stopping a toxic pattern should ultimately feel good? I feel terrified of everything. I’m scared of even opening my blinds right now.

NC for obvious reasons. Not strictly ‘relationship’ chat but couldn’t find a more suitable board.

xx

Is this normal? To feel so sad even though stopping a toxic pattern should ultimately feel good?

My experience is quite similar to yours, except I’m a bit further down the line from you. It makes sense you feel sad because you’re not yet experiencing the benefits of escaping the toxic pattern. You’re very bruised right now and everything will be raw. You’re no doubt so used to being in survival mode and being abused that this must feel like a very unfamiliar and consequently frightening state.

It takes a lot of courage to stand back and say, actually, this isn’t what I want. To recognise that you can’t carry on the way you are and take steps to change it. Some people never get to that point and continue in the cycle forever. So you really should be proud of yourself for that.

Now you can start rebuilding your life piece by piece. It doesn’t sound like you need to worry about work for now so put that on hold. Who is Rainydays when she’d not being abused? What does she enjoy? What makes her feel good? Keep a journal. Get to know yourself, and know that you are worth more than your body.

Are you under any kind of mental health services? If not I would request a referral so you can get additional support and access to trauma therapy. I personally found cognitive analytical therapy very helpful for unpicking patterns. You can also ask your GP or citizen’s advice for information on other organisations that offer free or low cost therapies. There are also very good podcasts on self-kindness and compassion which helped me a great deal, try Tara Brach.

It will take time to adjust to a new way of living but it will so, so be worth it. You will start to feel stronger and more able to think about work. If you can, I would recommend doing some volunteering when you feel up to it. It’s lower pressure, rewarding and will help restore your self-worth. It’s also good for your CV.

You’ve achieved so much despite the horrible adversities you’ve faced, that no person should have to go through. Imagine what you could achieve without all that weighing you down! I know I’m just a stranger on the internet but it’s clear from your post that you have so much to give. You are worth so much more than the stuff that’s happened to you.

@TokyoStories thank you so much for such a lovely and thoughtful response. I truly appreciate it. It’s really helpful to know I’m not alone and that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I’m trying to remind myself that this is probably the worst bit now, before anything good and new has come in yet.

strangely I am suffering more from leaving this behind than I did when I left my marriage, which I thought would be the worst thing! I think maybe as well there is something to be said about the fact that you tend to feel things more acutely when you are in a safe space to do so.

given I’m moving back home I’m stopping the job search for now, as my location will be totally different. That gives me a few weeks to rest a bit.

I will look up Tara Brach - I’m reading a book called the compassionate mind approach to trauma therapy today. I’m trying not to feel ashamed that I have to start a lot of things from scratch (again) in my early thirties. And I guess concentrate on the fact that I do have attributes and experience that will help me going forward now.

thank you again xx