Is it time for an ultimatum?

[DontBeBitterGlitter2023]

So have been dating a guy for a few weeks, lots of time spent together and he's been looking after me since I've recently come out of hospital (women's issues which is why I know he's not after one thing - that's off the table for weeks)

But he's just come out of a relationship that he's been in since he was 19 - he's now 36. They have a son together and he sees her daughter from previous as his own too. His ex knows about us and I've actually spoken to her -she's been lovely and has said things like she wants him to move on, be happy, etc.

The problem is he now admits he doesn't know what he wants as he doesn't want to break up the family... it's all he's ever known in his adult life and I get that it's scary but it's only me that's going to get hurt. He admits they weren't happy together for a long time. She hasn't said anything about wanting him back but I'm aware that knowing about me has probably stirred things up a bit...

We were due to have a night away together in a couple of weeks before he admitted that he was conflicted. Part of me wants to say he has until then to make up his mind but I'm worried that will backfire on me - I refuse to be the 'pick me' girl though and try and tactics at all to sway his decision.

I'm still in recovery right now so stuck at home 24/7 and my mind is going crazy. We've been friends for a while before we became something more but obviously now if he goes back to his ex then the friendship is also over for good.

Any advice at all please?

Who was the main instigator of the separation and how long ago did it occur?
It sounds like it was her, in which case it might not be up to him to be able to keep the family together.
It can't be a nice feeling either way to know he's potentially with you as she doesn't want to be. So I think take it very slowly, there's a lot to consider. Do you already have DC's? Are you thinking you would want any in future if possible? If more DC are not on the cards in your future, you have all the time in the world so hold back a while, no need for the night away.
If you are brave now, you will save yourself deeper future heartache. Step back until he's made a decision, it's the best you can do for yourself.

You are already playing the "pick me dance" by allowing him to continue the relationship after confessing he is conflicted!

@Opentooffers its been a couple of months...not long a all I know especially after so long but neither of us intended things to develop between us.

it was him who ended the relationship but they had split previously and it was her decision that time. He said his reasons were that he could see she wasn't happy. She has said to me it's really painful to know he's been with me but she genuinely thinks I'm a nice person (we'd met once before but not really known to each other) and wants us to work things out! But I also think if he asked her to try again she'd say yes...

No I can't have children of my own (without expensive help anyway) and he is adamant he doesn't want any more

It's been a few weeks, and he's expressing doubts. I'm of the Make Their Mind Up For Them school, and if he's really interested he will let you know.

Concentrate on recovering, save your energy rather than drive yourself bonkers wondering if he's in or out. A bit like when the cat can't decide and is dithering on the doormat, don't give it an hour to decide, put it out!

So out of splitting up 2 months ago, you've been seeing each other for weeks ie. it was only a few weeks after splitting up that you got together! That's far too soon and is why you find yourself where you are.
You might think that this has unintentionally developed, however, it's of concern that you say you have been friends for longer. So you were friends before the split? I suspect you may have initially been his incentive for instigating the split and basically you are his emotional affair.
Don't make it physical. You can stop short of calling an abrupt end to the friendship if you want, but keep all intimacy out of it and step back for at least 6 months. Tbh, if you gave an ultimatum and he picked you, it would still be a bad idea to go there yet. You could end up being an exit affair at best.

@Opentooffers I met him through a friend of a friend but only ever knew him to say hello to, followed each other on Instagram but never liked any pictures, etc. The only reason we started talking more is that we kept bumping into each other at the hospital where we were both visiting people in there long-term, and this was after they had split up. Genuinely was no intention on either side to turn it into anything else, I definitely didn't even fancy him! I've now told him that I need to take a step back and asked him to let me know in a few weeks where his head is at. It obviously hurts though after spending nearly every day together recently

I couldn’t let someone else have this much control and say so - make up his mind for him and back away from it all.
You’ll have a lifetime of doubts - does he still love his ex? Will he go back to her?
She will always be in his life if they have kids together, could you deal with this? I personally couldn’t so it would be a no go for me.

Sorry OP, this sounds stressful on top of recovering physically. I think you've done the right thing taking a step back.. even with no cross-over, he hasn't taken time out, alone, to process the end of his relationship with the child's mother and I think you might a be a bit of a rebound (sorry!). Hopefully you can salvage a friendship if nothing more.

You've been seeing him for a few weeks. I don't think it's ultimatum time

@ISeeTrees Unfortunately if we aren't going to make a go of things I can't see how we can remain friends as if he's not with me that means getting back with the ex and obviously she wouldn't want me around given we now have 'history'. I can't blame her on that one to be honest!

@MammaTo having been in a relationship where his ex wife did all she can to cause trouble for us, including mind games involving the children, I honestly don't mind that she would need to be in his life for good (although kids are old enough already for them to speak to him directly, not through her) especially when she seems open to me meeting them, etc. - although obviously a long way off if ever! I can't have kids of my own so I would prefer this to a situation where the person I was with wanted them and had to compromise for me

You say that if he's not with you that means getting back with the ex, but that's not necessarily true? He could want at bit of a breather? Or there could be someone else he's interested in?

It's very very early days to be so invested, take a bit of space for yourself to recover especially if this is taking over your thoughts, give it some time and see how you feel. You don't need to to decide if he's your forever person today.

@GoldDuster Thank you, I've told him that's what I need to do and am trying to take a step back, but it's hard, especially as all I want is to see him while I'm unwell still...

There's definitely no-one else on the scene but he has admittedly said that his choice is between the two of us... although when I write that down I realise how awful that sounds

Yeah... that's not great is it. His choice? You have a choice too as you're 50% of any relationship, and your loyalty is to yourself first and foremost. If this is already scrambling your brain because he can't pick between you, do yourself a solid favour and opt out, leaving them to get on with it.

What he does then is not your business. Stop pining for someone who isn't sure if you're worth his time and phone some friends instead.

Why are you allowing yourself to be someone's 50/50 bet because he is certainly hedging his chances here. You'll.do if she won't have him back.

Instead, tell him that you won't allow this and you are nobody back up plan or second choice. That if he's not in a position where he has the maturity to know what he really wants, then you better part ways.

Given your update, yes I would absolutely take myself out of the equation- who talks to their new love interest like that?!
And if he did "pick you" it's hardly without doubt is it if he's had who knows how long of this naval gazing about his ex? Not a great start to the relationship, or your self esteem.
No, you're worth much more than this OP. Kindly, it doesn't sound as though you've known him all that long(?) so perhaps a clean break won't hurt too much, even though I'm sure you could really do with the support now especially.

Oh just move on, nothing is worth that much angst early on.

It really is easy to fall hard and fast for someone else quite quickly after a relationship break up if the circumstances are right. It kind of validates the need to know you’re (he’s) still lovable and “got it”. It’s also a great way to not process painful feelings.

I would let him go. Let him have some time alone to sort his head out and actually process the breakup of his relationship.

Hope your recovery goes well too

Thanks everyone. I've told him I can't sit back and let him mess with my head anymore. He admitted last night that he 'wants his family back' - I do get that but I also know how unhappy he was with his ex. I can't ever compete with what they had/have so I'm no longer going to try

Good for you. I think you have made the right decision.