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Original poster

Bad decisions

20 replies

Madforever · 22/05/2023 06:22

I am feeling overwhelmed by decisions me and DH made.

  1. 2011 we left a place we were both happy to come and live where he works, near his family. Already had kids 1 and 3. I was depressed for a long time.
  2. 2017 we moved back to the town we'd left but to a different area. By this point eldest was 9 and had good friends so I regret this for his sake.
  3. After a lot of discussion and me considering divorce because we still couldn't agree, moved back here near to family business in 2020.
I want to come to peace with it but still can't settle, and feel angry at times. I find it hard to stop regretting the past, although I know the only way is forward.
OP posts:
Londontoderby · 22/05/2023 06:25

It’s not clear what you regret. Do you not like being near his family or too far away from them?

Ilovelurchers · 22/05/2023 06:35

I'm not saying this to be horrible, more in the hope that it helps, but if you compare your situation to the suffering that others go through, the fact of not living somewhere you think is great, having moved around a bit etc, is really nothing compared to that.

Focusing on the things you have to be grateful for always helps, I find.

And yeah, perhaps you made mistakes, but that's part of the human condition to be honest! And how do you know that different decisions would have led to greater happiness? You can't know that.

Ylvamoon · 22/05/2023 06:52

What about your own friendship group, hobbies and work?
Did you have to establish new with each move? I would find that difficult.

Original poster
Madforever · 22/05/2023 07:49

Thank you so much, all helpful. Will reply more later.

OP posts:
OliveToboogie · 22/05/2023 11:39

Don't mean to be horrible but maybe you need to work on why you are restless and unhappy. Moving around doesn't seem to be the answer and is unsettling for kids.

PaintedEgg · 22/05/2023 13:29

are you unhappy with your decisions / moving or with your marriage? what was the driving force behind the first and second move?

Original poster
Madforever · 22/05/2023 20:59

Thank you for all responses, so helpful.

OP posts:
Original poster
Madforever · 22/05/2023 21:02

Londontoderby · 22/05/2023 06:25

It’s not clear what you regret. Do you not like being near his family or too far away from them?

I regret being near his family and further from mine. I think I have maybe felt that he views my family as inferior (I have 1 sister, parents divorced), he comes from strong family unit with 4 children and strong faith.
Wow I haven't really put that into words before.

OP posts:
Original poster
Madforever · 22/05/2023 21:05

Ilovelurchers · 22/05/2023 06:35

I'm not saying this to be horrible, more in the hope that it helps, but if you compare your situation to the suffering that others go through, the fact of not living somewhere you think is great, having moved around a bit etc, is really nothing compared to that.

Focusing on the things you have to be grateful for always helps, I find.

And yeah, perhaps you made mistakes, but that's part of the human condition to be honest! And how do you know that different decisions would have led to greater happiness? You can't know that.

I agree with all this, and thank you for the part about us all making mistakes. I seem to feel guilty all the time even though I have effectively moved back for DH sake, and for DC, as they have big family cousins etc here.
I have read about guilt and sometimes it can come from not living in a way that aligns with your values, which is true for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Madforever · 22/05/2023 21:07

Ylvamoon · 22/05/2023 06:52

What about your own friendship group, hobbies and work?
Did you have to establish new with each move? I would find that difficult.

Well yes I have been going awkwardly between the 2 places. They are approx 20 miles apart, so I have friends and hobbies in both but don't really feel fully part of either. Work has been fine as I travel for that anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
Madforever · 22/05/2023 21:12

OliveToboogie · 22/05/2023 11:39

Don't mean to be horrible but maybe you need to work on why you are restless and unhappy. Moving around doesn't seem to be the answer and is unsettling for kids.

Thank you, I agree and don't see it as horrible. Yes totally agree about kids. Yes I definitely want to be less restless and unhappy. I have thought about ending the marriage, it would be because of the location issue, there are lots of things I love about DH and our relationship is good in other areas, and we agree about parenting.. Maybe I feel he has chosen his family over me, although he claims he's only really here for the work

OP posts:
AnAngelAtMyTableWithMe · 22/05/2023 21:14

my mum gets like this and always hates where she lives or goes over mistakes but you just have to make the best of wherever you live and put some time into making your own life there, connect with like minded people, find some things to do or places to go that you like and be part of the community.

Original poster
Madforever · 22/05/2023 21:16

PaintedEgg · 22/05/2023 13:29

are you unhappy with your decisions / moving or with your marriage? what was the driving force behind the first and second move?

Thank you for this. Key questions.

First move, he wanted to work at family business, there was a piece of land there and he built a house for us on it with his dad and brother. He thought I would come round but I didn't/couldn't get over feeling like I'd been forced to move with 2 young children from a place I had a strong community
Second move was me still holding onto those feelings and wanting to go back, but of course after 6 years things weren't the same

OP posts:
Original poster
Madforever · 22/05/2023 21:16

Thank you again, you have all made me think. Any further thoughts appreciated if you have time!

OP posts:
PaintedEgg · 23/05/2023 01:04

Madforever · 22/05/2023 21:16

Thank you for this. Key questions.

First move, he wanted to work at family business, there was a piece of land there and he built a house for us on it with his dad and brother. He thought I would come round but I didn't/couldn't get over feeling like I'd been forced to move with 2 young children from a place I had a strong community
Second move was me still holding onto those feelings and wanting to go back, but of course after 6 years things weren't the same

Show quote history

I get both sides really

On one hand wanting to be close to your own family and having a nice house on a piece of land are not really unreasonable things to desire so I absolutely get why he wanted those things

On the other I get why you were unhappy - you never wanted to move and felt forced to. So you pressured him back, but understandably things have moved on in those years...

so now you're both unhappy

You will need to talk. But before you do, think about what was it that made you unhappy when you moved. Was it just that you've been missing your previous home? Was it a resentment for being pressured to move? Or was it something about this place / his family? All are valid reason, but before you make any other moves (literally and figuratively) you need to consider these things. Same goes for him - did he miss his home / family? Did he dream about having this nice house? Does he feel resentment for having to move back?

billy1966 · 23/05/2023 10:24

I think you both need some counselling and you need some on your own.

Time may be tight but it should be a priority as it could be what saves your marriage.

You have understandably resentment especially if you feel a bit suffocated by his "wonderful" family.

Are you over involved with them?

Is he enmeshed?

You need space from them.

If he cannot understand this then perhaps your marriage is best left.

Be clear how unhappy you feel.

As for past mistakes, we all make them.

They bring nothing to the table today so try not to overly focus on them.

Focus on moving forward.

Counselling will hopefully help this.

tatteddear · 23/05/2023 15:25

When Dh and I got married I sold my house (that I loved and had worked hard on) and for practicality we moved to a house equidistant to his kids schools and my kids schools. It was the right choice practically but a year on and I'm
Homesick for my old house and village every single day. I don't think I will ever settle where we are.

To make matters worse DH'a ex wife then suddenly decided she was moving 50 miles away so it was pointless anyway!

I'm trying to see the positives. Our house is bigger ans objectively nicer than my old one. And my kids like it better. It still works better for us for other practical reasons.
When my DD's are old enough to have finished school two years from now we will need to move again to be nearer DSS's as the current travel for our 50/50 custody is awful for everyone.

That will be another move that is forced on us to some degree but to take the sting out of it I'm researching areas that will work already and on my way back from
The looooong school runs for DSS's I'm stopping off and doing some exploring so that we can at least try and find somewhere we really like even if we wouldn't have chosen to go in that direction had his ex wife not chosen to move in with her new boyfriend.

Could you do something like that? Have more agency in aspects of your next move even if you can't totally dictate where it is too? Sort of engage yourself in the process more?-

Original poster
Madforever · 23/05/2023 17:44

Thank you I can't describe how helpful this is, it's so kind of you all. I will write more later.

OP posts:
PaintedEgg · 23/05/2023 18:00

@Madforever I kind of get how you feel because I moved towns to be with my husband and then we moved from a nice quiet village to town because of practical reasons...

We really wanted to stay in that village and we genuinely miss it...on top of that I miss living at the seaside where I grew up.

Full disclosure of my own bias here - every time I feel homesick for green fields, lovely river bank and the beach, I remind myself that I did this. Nobody put a gun to my head and forced me to move - and I remind myself why I did this. It helps a lot because then I remember that I prefer what I have and I'd do it all over again no matter how homesick I feel :)

So when considering drastic measures, even leaving your husband, please think whether a memory of something that is now gone is worth it.

Original poster
Madforever · 23/05/2023 22:40

Thank you very much. I think the counselling is a good idea. Yes the reasons for feeling bad about moving here were both the resentment, and the being close to his family.

He may be a bit enmeshed with his family, yes. There are more complications in that his brother also got some family land but a bigger bit, which is difficult for DH. So there is the issue of me not wanting to be here as well as him thinking things are unfair.

There has not been great communication surrounding the family business and money.

Also, my parents are both a bit needy. I grew up supporting my mum a bit too much and this has carried on. I definitely have guilt surrounding her and that she is not part of our lives like DH's family.

I have felt bad for wanting a strong community and friendship group outside of the nuclear family. I am extrovert and DH more introvert but I think he has become a bit isolated here.
Thank you

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