How to stop feeling threatened by Mil?

[SimplyFed]

This is so silly. Someone please talk some sense into me. I'm not even sure where to begin or what details to include. I'm very tired so please bear with me. I apologise for the length of this post.

Mil is here on a visit for 4 weeks. (She lives abroad so I don't mind her staying long. My parents also come for long visits). We mostly get on ok but do clash once in a while as she is pushy and dominating. I don't mind normally but since last year whenever she visits she won't leave DD (7) alone. Like literally. Even follows her into the bathroom (with dd's permission or even encouragement). She gets involved in and stays around for absolutely everything. The school run (she's made better friends with the other school mums than I have....), meals, health issues, bed time,
everything. She makes plans to take DD out without us or without checking with us first. L She basically acts like a third parent (except that dh and me actually do run our plans by each other...). Is this normal?

I have to ask her to leave so that I can put DD to bed. when it's DH's turn to put DD to bed she does it for him but I like putting DD to bed. It's the only time we get together. I feel like a bitch though saying no when she asks me if she can put DD to bed.

We had another baby last year and since then ive obviously had less time for DD. She's been good as gold about it and I've tried to make as much time as possible for her but I feel very sad that we don't have as much time together as we used to. Dd2 has has also been ill quite a lot recently and needed a lot of care I was actually hoping that when mil is here she can take Dd2 sometimes so I have more time for DD1.

But now even when I have time for DD1 she is either busy with mil or doesn't want me.

DD absolutely loves mil and just wants her grandma around now. She pushes me away.

I know kids go through phases and I know that she must be happy to have someone around all the time especially with the baby hogging so much of our attention. I want them to have a good relationship.

I really need some help to stop resenting mil and to stop being jealous. She has a tendency to take over and so far I never minded as it was just a couple of months a year but as DD gets older she she is wanting to spend more and more time with us and has already mentioned DD visiting her. None of which is out of the ordinary, isn't it? I mean I'm asking. Is this too full on or am I just too possessive and insecure?

In my defence her own siblings accuse her of unduly influencing their now adult children and alienating them from her but somehow it always seemed kind of justifiable with her niece and nephew as they have health issues and she says their parents don't take good care of them. And now I feel the same.

I try really hard to like her. She's a good person. Always doing things for others, runs several charitable organisations in her place, etc. She is quite remarkable really but she can also be ruthless if you don't do what she says or question her. She's also very helpful here. Helps with the chores and the kids of course

I don't know. I was heart broken today but now I feel really silly as well. Can someone give my head a wobble please?

Here’s what you’ve written:

she is pushy and dominating
she won't leave DD (7) alone. Even follows her into the bathroom (wtf?)
She makes plans to take DD out without us or without checking with us first
She has a tendency to take over
she is wanting to spend more and more time with us
her own siblings accuse her of unduly influencing their now adult children and alienating them from her
she can also be ruthless if you don't do what she says or question her

I’m not going to give your head a wobble, because I don’t think you’re at all silly for not being happy with all of that.

There are a few facets to this, clearly

1. MIL is absolutely domineering
2. You’re already feeling guilty about spending less time with DD1 and your feelings include some projection about this
3. MIL sounds like she’s trying to ease some of the load off of your shoulders while you care for DD2 (who requires a lot more of your attention)

I totally understand your feelings, and I would probably feel the same way. However, there are definitely elements of your own insecurities in your parenting that are causing you to feel this way and that is exacerbating existing feelings towards MIL.

On the positive side, MIL is staying for a short while (relative to your day to day life). Your daughter is enjoying her company because kids love new people and especially those who spoil them. Whoever is around the least of two parents often end up being favoured by the kids for this reason. Your daughters enjoyment of time with her MIL is nothing to do with your parenting and everything to do with the face MIL is around all of the time, it’s different and exciting for her.

Secondly it does sound as though you could do with a bit of a break, and I’m guessing this is where MIL is coming from. You’re not fully letting go and being able to accept it because of the guilt you’re feeling towards not being there solely for DD1 (which is common with many parents with a second child.)

Lastly, it does sound like MIL is certainly overbearing and I’m sorry to hear you feel this way, especially in your own home. 4 weeks is a long time to have a visitor stay with you - and her presence is surely changing up your routine and the things you enjoy, like putting DD to bed. It’s also important your DD has a relationship with her grandmother however, and on those nights that your husband would take DD to sleep, it is also his choice as to whether he wants to share that responsibility with his mother.

I don’t recommend souring things, but if your MIL is as good a person as you say, perhaps you could sit down with her and explain how you’ve been feeling (sans the overbearing part.) Maybe expressing the fact you’re feeling a little left out of DD’s life may prompt her to focus more attention toward DD2 for example, and be a little more aware of your feelings on this.

Unfortunately, you cannot change MIL’s personality and she doesn’t sound terrible enough to warrant cutting out of your lives or anything drastic, but opening up to her may be helpful in letting her understand you better - particularly when she’s staying in your own home for extended periods. Xxxx

Edited my typo(s):

*Your daughter’s enjoyment of time with her MIL is nothing to do with your parenting and everything to do with the fact MIL is not around all of the time, so it’s different and exciting for her.

I love my MIL but I would hate her as much as she would hate me if we lived together for a month. She's grandma now not mum, which will be blurred if she lives with me she will want to be mum without realising. Just don't let her stay with you x

A 'couple of months a year' ! That's ridiculous. I'm not surprised your fed up. It's totally disruptive to the family dynamic.

I'd limit her visits to two periods of two weeks each year. You need to be allowed to live your own life, not tolerate her constant over-bearing interference.

You need to explain to your dh that you are really not happy. If your dh insists on his mother visiting for longer, I'd be finding somewhere else for me & dds to live for those periods.

That's not possible. That would be too drastic and I couldn't do it to dh it to mil!

My own parents also come for long visits and are equally annoying (and equally helpful) though they don't take over like this and monopolise DD. Dh would give them short shrift too if they did. That's another thing that upsets me the difference in how dh treats his mother and my parents but that's another post.

Thank you. I have told her about how sad I am to not have so much time for DD anymore. I don't think she cares. She can be ruthless when she wants something. She also hugely lacks self awareness. Everyone (in her family) tells her she's too pushy and interfering but she thinks she is the victim of a smear campaign.

I guess I just have to suck it up.

No you do not have to suck it up.

Is your husband afraid of his mother?

Such people like his mother are not nice at all. I would also think she ignores your youngest child too. She has certainly managed to harm the relationship between you and your eldest and this must not be allowed to continue. She is the grandmother here, not the de facto parent. You are. She is trying to steal your kid’s heart and mind and your child does not know she is being manipulated by her grandmother.

Reassess your boundaries here with his mother and your husband, what is and is not acceptable to you?. Apply such firmly and consistently.

Would you tolerate this from a friend, unlikely so stop tolerating this from his mother. If she comes to stay with you again she should stay in a hotel and for far fewer days. A month is too long, fish like guests go off after 3 days!.

I think he craves her approval. He gets very annoyed with her and they Have massive arguments but at the end of the day he tries really hard to come round to her view point

They have a weird relationship. She's very controlling and interfering but also very concerned. Over concerned I'd say.

She is actually more respectful with me and tries not to cross too many of my boundaries but the problem is that her idea of respecting boundaries and mine are so far away from each other she doesn't really realise what she's doing.

There are cultural issues here as well. The culture we are from has much fewer boundaries and more intermeshed families as well but she tends to be on the extreme side.

No, she doesn't ignore the youngest. She takes her whenever she can but Dd2 prefers to stick with me (for now).

Has she harmed our relationship? Is it not Normal for kids to prefer their grandmum when they come on visit? DD wants to do everything with my mum as well when she's here but my mum is much older, more busy and has less energy. Also she doesn't take so many liberties.

There is no way I could ask her to stay in a hotel without my parents having to stay in a hotel then as well. I don't want that.

I just want her to be a bit less involved and only help when asked.

So an awful husband and a bossy MIL.

Sounds very hard.

Watch your mental health.

You are surrounded by people who could really damage it.

Stop the visiting for so long

You need to assert yourself.

You are surrounded by bullys.

It's very difficult because I don't want to behave in a jealous or possessive way. At the end of the day it's about what is best for DD and she loves spending time with mil but it does make me very sad when she pushes me away and only wants mil and it gives me the rage when mil makes plans with her without consulting me. She always insists that it's what DD wants. Apparently DD has told her that every weekend she wants to have a date now with her (ie they spend half a day on their own outside the house Doing something) and I certainly don't want that.

I do worry though because I've seen how she has interfered with her siblings relationships with their kids but till now I've always bought he narrative that her niece and nephew need help and rescuing as their parents are s bit neglectful and not good for their kids.

She could just as easily tell people the same thing about your daughter. Be careful with someone as overbearing and manipulative as this. And remember that whatever MIL claims your daughter wants (she could be feeding ideas to her), you're the parent and you make the decisions.

Given that your daughter normally does not see her grandma, does it really bother you so much that when grandma is around she is very actively involved? What is wrong with a kid want to make the most out of the visit or grandma wanting the same?

The way I see it - you ARE acting bitter and jealous over your daughter being excited to see and spend time with her grandmother....and because your husband apparently treats his mother differently to your parents

The one thing I cannot see is any damage coning from two family members making the most of their time together

Also, keep in mind your daughter is probably loving the attention as she was deprived of it in recent times - where this attention is coming from is really a secondary matter. 4 weeks is such a short time and nobody is going to steal you kid

Thanks for your honesty. I do wonder if I'm over reacting and making a mountain out of a molehill.

Yes, it does bother me massively but the question is: should it bother me at all? And is it something I need to accept or act upon? That is what I'm trying to figure out. So far I've been just accepting it but yeah, it definitely does bother me.

how we feel is just that - nobody can tell you how you should feel because there is no wrong way to feel. People sometimes annoy us not because they or we did something wrong, but because we all have our ways we're set in, our preferences and we all get jealous sometimes.

The thing to consider is whether just because something bothers us is it worth picking that battle. If the only "damage" coming from the situation is us feeling somewhat rattled about someone coming on too strong on our territory, but otherwise everyone is happy, is it worth the stress?

By all means you can call your MIL out on things like promising stuff to you DD without asking you first (I've recently snapped at my own mum for literally the same thing), but if your DD wants grandma to put her to bed or spend half a day a week just playing with her then what is the harm in that? If anything it may mean few hours for you and your DH, especially if your baby baby has a strategic nap then :)

If you think about - that's only few "play dates" across 4 weeks, it's not even that many

The way I would tackle your husband about it is to describe a day that you have with your mother (when she comes to visit) and then describe a day with his mother and how they are both so different in their approach and you'd prefer it if his mother was more respectful of your home, your methods, your boundaries than she currently is. Your own mother does this without you having to ask her (by the sounds of things) but his mother keeps pushing and pushing.

I genuinely wouldn't normally suggest this but there is something in the way that you're writing that is making me think this might be an option for you. Something that you could do (if you were prepared to) is literally explode at your MiL. Pick something that is really irritating you about what she is doing when she visits and have at it. It will completely catch her off guard and she might think twice about doing it again, she might take a hands off approach to the kids, she might start asking rather than supposing that she could do things with your kids. It could be a game changer.

I do think, the first port of call is to have a chat with your other half so that the best approach would be to tackle the situation together.

Your MIL knows exactly what she is doing here and she is undermining you as a parent. Her behaviour is out of choice and has nothing to do with the culture she is from. The fact your H seeks her approval even as an adult is another red flag against her. She is toxic and not emotionally safe enough to be around.

Not wanting to rock the boat suits her no end but really and truly it’s far easier to push her overboard.

You also have a problem if your husband comes down in the side of his mother due also in part to his own fear obligation and guilt. His own inertia when it comes to his mother hurts him as well as you.

If it bothers you it bothers you. You are not making a mountain out of a molehill here.

As usual @AttilaTheMeerkat has it.

She was a toxic mother and her siblings thought she was toxic to their children.

She knows exactly what she is doing

This is all one big ego trip about her being best.

Toxic.

And your husband is afraid of her.

Ick.

I mean, you could use the time she’s there to have a little rest for yourself, let her go out with your first daughter and maybe relax a little at home? It’s lovely that she has her grandmother, I never met any of mine and would have really loved to. It’s lovely that your kids will know that type of relationship.

HOWEVER it is your home and your rules ought to be number 1. She should recognize you are the mother here and she’s in your home , she should I think be more respectful.

Your husband and her clearly don’t have the best relationship and her siblings have said some pretty nasty things about her it seems re her being interfering- it’s good to have this inside info to stay protected yourself.

ultimately , any feelings you have are justified. You are a parent to two kids; this must be exhausting and you want to paddle your own canoe. Maybe more communication about what your MIL is going to do and when she is going to do it woukd help? Could you go with your MIL on a day out with your daughter and involve yourself a little more that way?