Hi this is my first time posting please bare with as it’s a pretty long story. Me and my boyfriend have officially been together since October. We actually met in June, he asked me to be his girlfriend a week after (a bit too quickly for my liking) - I really liked him so I kept dating him untill I eventually accepted to be his girlfriend (about 2 months later). To cut it short he was messaging girls on instagram, getting phone calls from them, texts, the list goes on. I blocked him on and off for a while , because I had feelings for him, but I ended up dating someone else and lliving my life “ so to speak. In October he came to my area and left a hefty voice mail explaining how he wanted to meet up and resurrect the situation and he loves me very much. I met him and we have pretty much stayed what I would call “officially together” since then. To put it short he became emotionally abusive. The name calling started off as btch and cnt, it is now more thorough insults such as calling me a whore and an ugly fat dog. He insults my life, my culture, my clothes, the way I walk, the way I talk- just everything. I forgive him each time because I love him. In February we had a fall out (I would block him on and off for a few hours every so often as I just couldn’t take the verbal abuse), to which he accused me of being a cheat and not actually understanding why I would block him. During one of these “block” episodes, I found out the next day he had called his ex for 30 minutes!!! He told me it was for money that he owed her (sounds like a lie to me?) - I STUPIDLY forgave him. I fell pregnant in March and he became very caring and sensitive towards my feelings- but this only lasted 3 days. He told me to get rid of my baby because I’m a dirty cheating whore … he wrote a lot worse but I do not want to go into such details. I had some complications so aborted the baby at 9 weeks, he told me it’s all my fault because I’m a dirty lazy whore who didn’t look after her body. I have forgave him for all of this .
Now 3 days ago the accusations and abuse became so bad that I couldn’t take it anymore. He told me I am dead to him and that our relationship is over because I told his sister about the things he had done to me (I was scared and wanted her to have a word with him). I ended up going out with a friend for drinks and ended up so drunk that I kissed another boy. I instantly felt sick and regretted it. He had a house party so me and my friend went back to his with his friends. I ended up sleeping there for 2 hours as the train station was not open until 6 (it was 4am) so I layed down . He tried to come into me but I told him I do not want to have sex and also can not even if I wanted to because I was on my period (I was actually still bleeding from the abortion). I must have passed out and I woke up to him penetrating me. I was scared and did not know what to do so I tried to get up and leave but he was pushing me down and I could not get up. As soon as he was done I ran for the hills, called my friend and told her to meet me at the train station.
I feel like I allowed myself to get into this situation and everything is my fault, o feel disgusted and like a cheat. Me and my boyfriend have spoken today, he doesn’t even know I went out let alone kissed someone else. What do I do? Please some advice . I love my boyfriend so much despite his abuse but I now feel like the dirty whore he has been calling me all of this time.