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Relationships

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Original poster

Should I give things one last chance ?

11 replies

Summer1992 · 21/05/2023 09:08

I’ve been with my DP for 8 years and to say the least there has been a lot of tough life events for him..alcohol problems being the main one. It has been hard! We were both in our early 20s when we met and now I’m not sure the relationship is enough or what I want anymore. The first few years of our relationship were based around a lot of alcohol, socialising and great sex..it was fun and I felt loved and happy until having a drink together was no longer an option. Dp realised this a few years ago.

Now I’m noticing issues in our relationship that I didn’t think we had, I no longer feel like he emotionally opens up or we physically connect. (Usually he was always intoxicated when this happened before.) for example.. he never gives me a kiss on the lips, I need to kiss him and it feels awkward and unwanted, and there’s barley any physical contact outside the bedroom. Our relationship has become quite immature in terms of a sexual/intimate relationship. I find it embarrassing to use any sort of sexual language and it’s just all a bit awkward - for years it was always great when there was alcohol involved. I’m a very sexual person and no longer feel desired or wanted which is really knocking my confidence in the relationship. He definitely loves me, he seems to find it hard showing it - when sober. At the moment he’s recovering from a major surgery so I don’t expect anything just now of course. I am really missing how connected we use to feel. We’ve had numerous discussions and he said he’s going to try his best..but I just don’t think he’s got it in him to be what I want or need now. I feel like I’m no longer attracted to him emotionally.

Recently I’ve been in contact with a male friend from years ago.. (something I’ve never done in any relationship so I know things aren’t right between me and DP.)We have always got on well and there is a lot of chemistry between us..he’s always popped up in my head every so often..he’s told me he’s always thought about me and was gutted when I got into a relationship and is super keen..he’s older and seems like he’s everything I want in a relationship and he would like to see where things go when he’s home from working abroad in January. I have stopped contact with him in the last week as the guilt was eating away at me. He was very understanding about everything and hopes we can make a go of things when he’s home..I can’t stop thinking about him and wish we were speaking!!

I really don’t know what to do..give DP a chance and see how things go until the end of the year ? If I’m not happy then leave ? I will find it very hard to leave as he’s a bit of a loner and I’m all he really has (he isn’t close to his family) and he’s trying his best. I just don’t know if it’s for me anymore but I’m also terrified of taking a massive risk..for my life and DP’s life. But then again, I’m worried incase the grass isn’t greener and I’m fantasising about this friend..although he/I do think there ie potential between us.

Any sort of clarity would be great, I’m in a state of permanent confusion at the moment! 😩the thought of walking away from DP is excruciating but also the thought of not seeing where things could go with the old friend is bothering me…

OP posts:

CrapBucket · 21/05/2023 09:10

Honestly you just need to be single for a bit. You are unhappy with your incompatible partner, end things.

Hillrunning · 21/05/2023 09:13

You aren't well suited to each other. Sometimes people grow apart. End this relationship kindly and DO NOT start up another one for a while.

Shivvy120 · 21/05/2023 10:30

You def aren’t happy… Toughing it out til the end of the year and then breakup and date this new man on the scene comes sounds like a complete and utter drain. Id end it now, take time for myself and be single; and when this new man comes home, maybe start something up then. You’ve spent 8 years with your partner but are probably over it if the worst thing about the breakup could possibly be that he will be alone as he doesn’t have many friends etc. maybe he is trying but if you don’t feel that connection or spark, then you should go. Staying will make you unhappy and he will think he’s secure when really the carpet will be pulled from under his feet.if I were him; I’d much rather to be broken up with right away as I wouldn’t see a point in waiting til jan or when ever. You shouldn’t feel guilty for getting back in touch with this other person, if you like him then why hold back. You only get one life and it is there for living. That guilt wouldn’t be there if you let go of your current relationship.

All in all , I think you have emotionally checked out of this and I think you are excited about this new venture with the man you are back in touch with.. and the only way to stop wondering about this man is to go for it and date him.

Shapemyeyebrows · 21/05/2023 14:22

@Summer1992 Do you not think they main issue here is that you are trying to make a relationship work with an alcoholic? In what possible way could things change in a year with your current partner if neither of you are addressing the major issue of his alcohol problems?

SimoneSimone · 21/05/2023 15:18

End it, take some time out to reflect, then move on.

Frogger8395 · 21/05/2023 15:21

It’s run its course. Just end it.

Freefall212 · 21/05/2023 15:28

Everyone's husband or wife seems a lot worse when you have another person in the wings. They are new and exciting and not caught up in the daily grind or responsiblities of your life. It is a tale as old as time. People then reinterpret their relationshp and compare it to how amazing this new person is and the fantasy ideal of life with them.

You are already talking to another man about making a go of it when he gets back while your husband lies recuperating on the couch. This is already cheatig behaviour. I am sure you woudln't be okay with hour husband reading / seeing these conversations. Look on her for posts from women who find text messages about meeting up with other women and turning their wives into boring or nagging shrews to justtify cheating and leaving.

The grass isn't always greener.

It sounds like he stopped drinking years ago. Dumping someone because they aren't as much fun when they aren't drunk is a pretty immature approach to relationships.

GreyCarpet · 21/05/2023 19:55

If you're not happy (and you're clearly not and with good reason, I'd say), then end your relationship. His lack of friendship is a) his issue to manage and b) not a reason to stay in a relationship with him.

And then spend some time single.

If this other man comes back in January and you are both still interested, you'd have been single for several months by then had time to yourself and to deal with any lasting demons you might have from your current relationship and then make a go of it if it's what you want.

If you do end it, don't fall into a long distance virtual relationship with this other man. You need time to recalibrate and be completely single and at peace with that and yourself before starting something new.

GreyCarpet · 21/05/2023 19:55

And then spend some time single.

GreyCarpet · 21/05/2023 19:57

It sounds like he stopped drinking years ago. Dumping someone because they aren't as much fun when they aren't drunk is a pretty immature approach to relationships.

I think the OP has been quite clear about the issues in the relationship.

Neither of them are the same person they were when the yet 8 years ago and they're no longer compatible. Are you suggesting that she should stay in a relationship where she isn't happy because that's the 'mature' thing to do? Because it's not.

powerrangers · 21/05/2023 20:12

@Freefall212 The grass isn't always greener.

It sounds like he stopped drinking years ago. Dumping someone because they aren't as much fun when they aren't drunk is a pretty immature approach to relationships.

The OP was unhappy way before this other man popped up.
Are you suggesting that she should stay in the relationship indefinitely even though they are clearly not working? Because yeah, that's mature

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