Have I been a cow

[Motherhood86]

Me and my Son recently moved in to my partners house. He lives here with his Son full time so we have blended families.
My flat was lovely, his house is not! Needs lots of sorting and new stuff.
Anyway life keeps getting in the way of us sorting it and today we had planned a house day as it's getting me down living like this.

His Son (13) had gone to the seaside with grandparents. My partners spoke with his Dad last night and his Dad said he felt breathless and was panicking a bit. Still happy to get on with holiday but was understandably stressing. His Dad has on going heath issues. Does get out of breath but said it was worse than usual. Nobody else in family was massively worried but my partner said our house day is off and this morning he is doing a 5 hour round trip to go and get his Son as he doesn't want his Son being driven home by his Dad. I said that it was a bit of an extreme reaction and why doesn't he just ring today to see how he is and plan from there.

My partner is pissed off with me as thinks I'm not being understanding but tbh I don't understand seems over the top and once again house day is not going to happen. Have I been a total cow?

Yes your right it could have but with our busy schedules we stupidly thought it would be easier to get stuff done once I was already there. Obviously regretting that now :/

Can you get your flat back and move out. It's not working and he doesn't seem too keen to make the effort to sort things for your comfort.

Can you get a friend over to help you instead? Offer them lunch in exchange for help or something? I agree with others, there's a reason it is in this state which is he either doesn't have the time to sort it or isn't willing to make the time. Either way it is likely you will have to lead the process, if you want for him you'll be stuck like this forever. You can also hire a man and van for pretty cheaply in lots of places so worth thinking about that too. Good luck!

To be honest it doesn't sound like he's concerned about his dad. He's concerned about his son being driven by his dad at the end of the holiday.

Does the son even want to come home and cut his holiday short? Personally I'd have phoned first. But not because of the house day, but to get a better picture of how things are vendor setting off.

To be honest, if someone moved into my house (that my own son or daughter also lived in) I'd really resent a new partner moving in and then insisting that my house should be changed completely to suit them, and moan at me for not being available to do the work to change it.

You should have stayed in your lovely flat or made sure if he hoards that things were sorted weeks before you moved in if things are that bad.

Why did you move in?! If he didn’t want to live in a shit tip where everything needs improving he wouldn’t. He’s obviously not bothered.

Are you trying to rescue him or something? What’s happened to your lovely flat? How does your son feel about all of this?

I think there are two different issues. Firstly, your DP was right to go and check on his dad/pick up his son today. Secondly, it sounds like he isn't motivated to sort his house out and has been leaving his shite for you to sort out - not just today but for weeks. I wouldn't be happy to be doing the lion's share of sorting out someone else's house and I think that you should have asked him to do this himself before you moved in. Do you do most of the housework etc?

YANBU about saying he should ring before driving, but perhaps the reason this is bothering you so urgently is that you know you have a big red flag 🚩 on your hands. Something in your subconscious is saying “this house gets fixed NOW or the relationship is doomed”.

Yeh his son comes first etc but it sounds like it could be any excuse not to sort out his house.

Is the first time that the job has been postponed or has there been a series of reasons?

You shouldn't have to live in a shit tip OP.

If I were you I'd be booking a day's annual leave for you both and then if either gets done or you move out.

The kids bedrooms are nice and sorted, it's the other areas that need sorting. My Son is very happy which is good but would be hard if I wanted to leave.

On this occasion its right that his family came first but l understand your irritation. Personally l wouldn't have moved in until it was all sorted though, as living with someone who doesnt care about mess can be very wearing. If you have done what you can and now it's just heavy lifting to shift the stuff l think you both agree on a day to deal with it together, or else you and your son move out. It sounds as though you both have different standards re keeping things neat and tidy and this may well cause future issues.

Honestly, I don't know how you could bear moving in, especially as you had a lovely place of your own. Did you think it would magically transform him into the sort of person who would care about his surroundings?