37, great but quite new relationship want children

[Frogmila]

Hi everyone.

I'm just hoping for some advice please on how to handle this.

I have just turned 37, have been with my DP about a year and we now live together. He is wonderful. I want children and always have done but it's taken me this long to meet someone who I think is the 'full package' to me as a partner. I'm also in the middle of a big career change.

We have discussed both wanting children, timescales re age and even baby names. He has suggested being together 2 years before TTC but tbh, I would like to take a chance and start now given my age. I don't think there is too big of a disparity here to suggest this, or a compromise on maybe 18 months but am not sure how to raise it as it's such a big thing. I don't know why but I feel really awkward and unreasonable and am normally pretty direct.

I ideally wish we had met 5 years ago to have a lot more amazing times together just us first but obviously that can't be helped.

How would you broach this conversation?

I am very well versed on fertility etc, work in a clinical field so don't need reminders that I have left it later than I would have liked, thanks!

Your DP has already said two years is his preferred time, you've only been together for one, and presumably lived together for only a few months. That's still a very young relationship.

A baby puts a massive pressure on both parties, it isn't easy.

I think your partner is right to leave it a little longer. Focus instead in being as healthy as you can, plenty of fruit & veg, improve your fitness and try to reduce stress. Plan a last 'adults only' holiday.

I think that you're right to ask to start now. I would have a conversation with him. I assume he's intelligent and knows women don't have endless time to have children. I would maybe reiterate this though. Waiting another year is a long time in fertility. Most women are effectively infertile by 45 - maybe giving him the starker facts will help.

Thanks both for answering. Another reason for being keen to move things forward is that I would ideally like 2 (or more) kids. I don't mind how close together.

You should definitely raise your concerns OP and make sure he understands that fertility for most women has a shelf life. Mumsnet is full of posters who say they've conceived in their 40s, but you can't bank on it. There are also lots of sad posts about women whose partners have said they want kids but have delayed as 'not quite ready' until its too late. You've been with him a year and are living together so you need to know now if he is on the same page and is ready to have a family sooner rather than later.

Discuss compromising at to TTC at 18months.

Personally I think he is right that everyone should wait until the honeymoon stage wears off but I agree that time is not your friend here so perhaps the 18m compromise will work. You can’t force him though. He has to really want to do this.

You've talked a lot about what you want but it isn't just about you. If he's saying 2 years leave it at that and see how things go. It's a very young relationship yet and kids do change the dynamic. You are not being unreasonable to make him aware that kids are something you definitely want and you hope for 2. Like others have said, eat well, keep on top of your fitness and reduce stress to give yourself every possible chance when you do start.

I'd say something like 'How would you feel about trying for a baby in six months? Baring in mind that it would be another 9 months before the baby would actually be here. I know you've said that waiting a year would be ideal but I'm just worried that my biological clock is ticking.'

I think you need to be able to air all this openly with someone you are planning on having kids with !

I'd never consider having a baby with someone I barely knew (1 year is nothing). But you could use the next year getting all Fertility tests done, getting yourself in the best possible place to conceive etc

Thanks for all further responses.

Yes this makes sense. He suggested trying after another year as that would fit in well with my training not specifically wanting to wait 2 years (he is not the type to want to rush in but is fully aware of bio clock etc). Maybe at the time I should have said 'how would you feel about a bit earlier because of XYZ?' but we were even newer then and I didn't want to put the screws on plus it was really encouraging for him to bring it up proactively.

I'm more than happy to have the convo with him, we've talked about all sorts. Before I moved in, I instigated a discussion to sort of pause and check it was right for both of us as I don't really have the time to have a nice couple of years if ultimately he didn't want the same things and feel we were on the right path together (sounds pretty harsh but was a very positive and honest conversation which was reassuring to both). It's more about how to raise this suggestion than whether to.

I know this post sounds a bit 'me me me' which I'm not generally like. The decision is as much about him, I'm just airing the concerns that are peculiar to me (well, all women) since DP wants the children but doesn't have the time constraints.

The advice to be as fit and well as possible is appreciated too.