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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I know my partner thinks and talks bad of me

18 replies

Huddersfieldlass · 21/05/2023 06:44

I did something wrong my partner was using his phone and he got up and put the phone down and I looked at what he was writing.... I know it was wrong. I shouldn't have done it. It's not something I make a habit of, it is the first time it's happened I don't know why I did it.

He was basically talking about me saying how rubbish the relationship is and referred to me as his ex..I dropped the phone when k saw it amd didn't know what to do but was upset. Until I confronted him and owned up and apologised for reading it, but asked why he was doing it..
He said he was just helping someone with a problem and exagerrating what the issues were between us.

But I dunno how I feel now about any of it.

We have been together for 12 years and have a son together over the 12 years we have been lucky enough to travel all over the world, have a house together and a young son who is 3.. sadly we went through a tragedy some 5 years ago when our first son died after a difficult birth a day later in a hospice. Any advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:

euff · 21/05/2023 06:52

He referred to you as his ex? What he said doesn't explain this. I imagine you looked at his phone because you probably had a feeling there was something to find. In your case having done that I probably wouldn't have confessed but waited for another opportunity to do it again and screenshot that whole thing so I couldn't be gas lighted about it! He might now cover his tracks.

Glasshalffullorempty · 21/05/2023 07:01

Dump him

BlastedPimples · 21/05/2023 07:13

Exaggerating your problems on a message sounds like a rubbish excuse for calling you his ex.

Unacceptable behaviour.

Does he want to separate?

It's really disrespectful what he's done.

Do you really want to stay with him?

Original poster

Huddersfieldlass · 21/05/2023 07:21

I dunno what to feel about any of it to be honest. I woke up thinking about it all. I still feel guilty I looked at his phone I know he likes his privacy. Things haven't been good between us since our son died and in a way its like the curtain has been pulled down about how bad things are if you get what I mean. I still feel very upset. I feel like we're maybe living a lie that we're still in this relationship together and maybe it's actually over and has been for a while. Hes telling me he loves me and wants us to be together but I dunno if I believe him. Maybe he was shocked too that I read it and that was his knee jerk reaction out of guilt. I'm very confused.

OP posts:

euff · 21/05/2023 07:26

The only reason I can think of for him calling you his ex to others is to be available for someone else. Perhaps he doesn't want to leave or have a financial split etc but could he want both you and someone on the side?

Partytastic · 21/05/2023 07:26

What did you do wrong? Cheat or forget to buy coffee?

chickawhoo · 21/05/2023 07:28

Would you and him be open to therapy to work on your relationship together? What support have either of you had since your child passed away? Do you talk about your baby together or does talking about baby feel like a taboo subject for either of you?
I would be dealing with that side of things fully before jumping to ending the whole relationship over this text.
Yes it sounds like a dreadful text but it also sounds like neither of you are quite thinking straight just yet.
I'm not sure where you're based but there's a charity in Scotland called Baby Loss Retreat who were a big support to my colleague and might be worth a look for you as well.
You and your partner can work through this if you are both willing to.

Original poster

Huddersfieldlass · 21/05/2023 07:29

Yes @euff that did cross my mind as soon as I read it. I am just really confused.

OP posts:

Original poster

Huddersfieldlass · 21/05/2023 07:36

@Partytastic neither of those things.. since our son died we go through waves of crappy arguments about nothing in particular really every few months and have to work to stop them were good for a while then something happens and they start again.. a bit like a brother and sister quarrelling. They start from nothing and seem to explode into something very quickly. If I'm honest that we had periods of that before our son died by a lot less frequent we struggled to conceive I had multiple miscarriages, cancer treatment and an ectopic pregnancy over the first 6 years we were together. This quarrelling started then I think out of sheer frustration but only got worse when our son died. Neither of us were fully mature enough to cope with everything that was happening to us we have quite literally grown up together but maybe that's taken away massively from our relationship as partners.

OP posts:

Original poster

Huddersfieldlass · 21/05/2023 07:39

We probably do need something @chickawhoo we are still waiting for the inquest to happen into our sons death so it's all been so very hard. I've told him after I saw the message that I don't want us to stay together in misery if he's not happy we can work our way through separating and all will be okay we will still be a family for our son just not in a relationship. I don't hate the man. But he's saying he wants to stay. But how can that be right if he calls me his ex ? I just don't get it.

OP posts:

whatwhhat · 21/05/2023 07:40

Who was he messaging? It can't be someone he knows well if they would believe you were his ex?

Bopcorn · 21/05/2023 07:41

Sorry to say it sounds like it's over for him. I'd be making plans to split.

Londontoderby · 21/05/2023 07:43

Bet it’s a woman saved under a blokes name. Surly all his friends know your together and that you’re not a ex?

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 21/05/2023 07:43

Was this "friend" female by any chance?

Don't be treated like this, divorce and move on life is way to short to be his "ex" non ex

Original poster

Huddersfieldlass · 21/05/2023 07:44

To be honest I don't know I didn't recognise the name @whatwhhat and I haven't asked I was a bit in shock about it all, I just tried to believe him at the time what he was telling me his explanation.

OP posts:

Londontoderby · 21/05/2023 07:44

He wants to stay because he wants his cake and to eat it.

Original poster

Huddersfieldlass · 21/05/2023 07:47

Yes that's what it feels like. He wants his cake and eat it. That's what I woke up thinking. He was so quick to tell me it's nothing, he didn't mean it its this it's that.. but none of it felt like he was being real. I tried to get him to talk in a real way to me about it so we could sort out whatever it was if that were possible but he just wanted to shut the conversation down and move on. Told me not to dwell on it not to think about it.

OP posts:

JjennyWren · 21/05/2023 07:49

He doesn't want to separate (yet), but that's the way this is going. He's referring to you as his "ex" - he's laying the ground. You caught him on the hop as he's not yet ready to leave (he probably wants another woman lined up first) so I'd take control now and end it rather than waiting for the axe to fall.

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