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Relationships

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Original poster

Is this getting too personal for friends with benefits?

16 replies

Pinkcupcakexo · 21/05/2023 00:16

I've been casually hooking up with this guy since August last year. At one point we were seeing each other on a weekly basis. He's been going through a difficult time lately. Recently he told me his mother was sick with Cancer, he got laid off from work. And then he was assaulted by his friend of 10 years after he let her and her kid move in with him. He was trying to help her because she was going through a hard time.

I told him to let me know if he needs help with anything, and he said he would. I know Friends with benefits is only about sex. But I guess I'm just trying to be a friend to him regardless of sex. I mean sometimes people have a difficult time and may need a friend. I am just thinking about myself and how I would feel if I were going through a difficult time.

OP posts:

aurynne · 21/05/2023 07:09

"Friends with benefits" is not only about sex. It's in the name, you are "friends" too. Otherwise you'd be just fuckbuddies. Friends trust each other with their problems and thoughts.

DatingDinosaur · 21/05/2023 07:13

Yes, Friends with benefits are usually used as a distraction from that sort of stuff rather than being dragged into it.

But then again, I've never really understood the difference between FWB and Relationship. FWB always seems like a cop-out for commitment phobes to me.

highdaysandholudays · 21/05/2023 07:29

Don't over analyse it. If it works for you it's fine. I have a similar relationship. I couldn't live with him. I like his company and we sleep together. He has some problems but I can't help him as I don't have the time to. I'm to busy with my own world. I probably am a commitment phone but I'm 52 and not bothered about being in a relationship ever again.

DatingDinosaur · 21/05/2023 22:53

So is living with someone what defines a relationship and until you are living together it's just a casual/FWB thing?

AHobbyaweek · 21/05/2023 23:47

This is normal for a lot of FWBs. There is a different level of fuck buddy if you prefer but you can write your own rules here if you are clear with the other person.
I would say the same to my FWB if that helps.

Grumpusaurus · 22/05/2023 02:12

Meh! Nah I would not want too much drama or someone else's problems if they were merely a FWB. If they were a partner then of course, I would be supportive but I would not want too much gritty reality for someone to shag.

guineacup · 22/05/2023 07:19

DatingDinosaur · 21/05/2023 07:13

Yes, Friends with benefits are usually used as a distraction from that sort of stuff rather than being dragged into it.

But then again, I've never really understood the difference between FWB and Relationship. FWB always seems like a cop-out for commitment phobes to me.

Yes, defining FWB as essentially a relationship for commitment-phobes seems like a good definition to me.

SunnieShine · 22/05/2023 07:46

guineacup · 22/05/2023 07:19

Yes, defining FWB as essentially a relationship for commitment-phobes seems like a good definition to me.

Show quote history

Me, too. And how much support has he given you?

Thisisworsethananticpated · 22/05/2023 07:49

Pinkcupcakexo

this is when shit gets real
his problems are real , and maybe he can’t have sex and pretend eveything is ok

as it isn’t for him , clearly not that’s alot to handle

you are in charge so only offer what support you can , your not his partner !

Greenfairydust · 22/05/2023 08:00

This is why I think FWB arrangements are always doomed to fail.

People are human beings with feelings, problems and so on, not living sex bots...sooner or later someone develops feelings or life gets in the way.

If you can't cope or don't want to bring emotional support and real life issues in this, then be honest and end the FWB arrangement.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 22/05/2023 08:02

There's no reason you can't be a good person and help out a friend, even one you sleep with. If he wary of getting too involved as you don't want to get yourself tied up with being on call for him 24/7 but a cuppa and a sympathetic ear is a nice thing to do for someone you like

Pickledmeg · 22/05/2023 08:05

As long as you're both happy and content with it then it doesn't matter. If it's making you feel uncomfortable or pushing it towards something more serious when that's not what you want then it's time to reevaluate- all depends how you both feel!

guineacup · 22/05/2023 12:20

Greenfairydust · 22/05/2023 08:00

This is why I think FWB arrangements are always doomed to fail.

People are human beings with feelings, problems and so on, not living sex bots...sooner or later someone develops feelings or life gets in the way.

If you can't cope or don't want to bring emotional support and real life issues in this, then be honest and end the FWB arrangement.

This.

FWB is just an "edgy" and "cool" way of saying you're in a casual relationship.

Cimone · 06/12/2023 01:30

You and he get together for good times and fun. That's it. You are not his mommy, not his nursemaid, not his wife or girlfriend either. Providing all this "support" under the circumstances screams of desperation to keep him around by any means necessary.

Go find someone else.

GoingToBeLessRubbishAtLife · 06/12/2023 03:45

How about - you can have whatever level of sex and support/friendship/advice/whatever you want? Everyone calls it something different, there’s no officially recognised definition is there? You call it fwb, someone may call the exact same thing is fb. Someone else might say no, you’re definitely in a relationship.

How do you feel about it? Are you happy? Does it work for you right now at your stage of life?

That’s all you need to work out.

gannett · 06/12/2023 08:14

You're not in a relationship and you get to provide whatever level of support you're comfortable with. You don't have to bear the load of his problems or fix them for him.

It actually sounds like a healthy situation at the moment. He told you about the shit he's going through rather than bottling it up. You gave him a sympathetic ear and said you'd be there for him. He hasn't asked you to do anything beyond that. So maybe a sympathetic ear is all he was looking for.

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