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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How many friendships have you lost?

29 replies

thisisasurvivor · 20/05/2023 22:12

So I will start

First major bust up at uni when my friends put the house bills in my name and didn't pay

Another friend heard some of the things she said behind my back and I turned my back on her

More recently a friend o had helped over two decades left me in the lurch when I fled DV
Like she could not have cared less - no longer friends now

I do wonder what I could have done differently ??!

OP posts:
ToWeeornotToWee · 20/05/2023 22:13

Nothing. None of these things were of your doing.

Original poster
thisisasurvivor · 20/05/2023 22:16

It's sad though

Would have considered myself a good friend
Maybe a walkover

For the longest term friend I used to house sit and dog sit for free (maybe 12 times in 8 years)
Never one gift
Took her family on hols
Lots of gifts for her kids

She really was not interested in helping me in any way

And I know people have enough to deal with in life yes - but even a few follow up messages or the odd phone call??

OP posts:
Original poster
thisisasurvivor · 20/05/2023 22:23

So now stay close with a few very trustworthy decent friends I can depend on

Anyone else faced this in life?

OP posts:
MuffMuffPickle · 20/05/2023 22:31

You couldn't have done anything, they're weren't friends to teat you that way. i had a similar experience with one of your 'friendships' - she took the side of my ex-husband who i left because of domestic violence, told all my other friends how sorry she felt for him because I left him. she wasn't a friend in my book, so no loss to me!

DontForgetToBreathe · 20/05/2023 22:31

Lost a lot of friends when I had kids, they just sort of vanished.

Sister who was a friend also, I have distanced myself from after I’ve had children because I can’t be dealing with her daily drama.

Priorities change. People don’t get the memo. But it is nice to have friends who know you and you can have mad raunchy belly aching laughter with and get upto no good with no matter how old and mature you get.

DontForgetToBreathe · 20/05/2023 22:35

thisisasurvivor · 20/05/2023 22:23

So now stay close with a few very trustworthy decent friends I can depend on

Anyone else faced this in life?

Sometimes you have to lose the crap friends so you can make space for better friendships. I think as a rule I’ve learnt that if I have put up with bad behaviour (friends letting me down regularly, cancelling, toxic negative traits) you will feel it compounded when you finally one day need them. And you’ll think..!! Why did I put up with this ??

Original poster
thisisasurvivor · 20/05/2023 22:35

MuffMuffPickle · 20/05/2023 22:31

You couldn't have done anything, they're weren't friends to teat you that way. i had a similar experience with one of your 'friendships' - she took the side of my ex-husband who i left because of domestic violence, told all my other friends how sorry she felt for him because I left him. she wasn't a friend in my book, so no loss to me!

That makes me so angry

So sorry

Sometimes it is best to take the option to cut all ties

I had been thinking of it all recently and felt sad about it all

But maybe this is normal?

OP posts:
MathsNervous · 20/05/2023 22:37

Too many to mention. But I see it as one chapter closes, another opens. It's just how it goes in life for some of us. I have always had difficulty maintaining friendships too.

Original poster
thisisasurvivor · 20/05/2023 22:40

MathsNervous · 20/05/2023 22:37

Too many to mention. But I see it as one chapter closes, another opens. It's just how it goes in life for some of us. I have always had difficulty maintaining friendships too.

Yes I would put myself in this category too

That's just how it has been

But my current friends mean so much to me
Long term good friends 🙏🙏🙏❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

OP posts:
MuffMuffPickle · 20/05/2023 22:43

thank you @thisisasurvivor i out it down to some people are just arseholes.

i shut down all my personal social media because of my ex/husband (he made threats against my life etc). and she had the audacity to try and connect with my on a professional social media a few years later! needless to say i ignored the request.

Life experiences.

Original poster
thisisasurvivor · 20/05/2023 22:53

MuffMuffPickle · 20/05/2023 22:43

thank you @thisisasurvivor i out it down to some people are just arseholes.

i shut down all my personal social media because of my ex/husband (he made threats against my life etc). and she had the audacity to try and connect with my on a professional social media a few years later! needless to say i ignored the request.

Life experiences.

Awful

Not a true friend

And this is how you found this out

What an insult

I feel so insulted that my friend could not care less
After all we had been through
Uni, babies career changes
And I helped her so many times
Too many to even count
She also told me once ho fat she thought I became after the abuse
Any bloody wonder

Always be weary of the Fckers who knock you when you are already low

OP posts:
MuffMuffPickle · 20/05/2023 23:03

I'm so sorry @thisisasurvivor

I am sure now you are better off without. stronger, wiser and have nicer and more worthy people in your life.

I know I have, and if you haven't, i am sure you have them on the way ❤️

Original poster
thisisasurvivor · 21/05/2023 00:05

MuffMuffPickle · 20/05/2023 23:03

I'm so sorry @thisisasurvivor

I am sure now you are better off without. stronger, wiser and have nicer and more worthy people in your life.

I know I have, and if you haven't, i am sure you have them on the way ❤️

Thanks so much.

I will get over it all

Lessons have been learnt 🙏🙏🙏

OP posts:
Beebumble2 · 21/05/2023 07:45

Sorry this has happened to you. There seems to be a lot of it about. I’m currently being ghosted by a ‘family friend’ of 20+ years. It hurts, but I’ve found some new kinder friends.

Greenfairydust · 21/05/2023 08:00

Lost my ''best friend'' of about 14 years early this year. We were at university together and then kept our friendship going.

She just cut me out of her life with no explanation.

The only reason I can think of is that I had to decline picking up something from her house that she wanted to get rid of/donate. I had covid at the time and then I was due to move out of my home to a completely different location. I was so busy with completing the sale of my home, packing, dealing with estate agents and so on that I just had no time to pick up the items and I told her so.

Never heard a word from her after that...

Looking back I realised she was always a bit selfish-centered, judgemental and that relationships for her were very transactional.

I think in the end we had come to a point where our friendship had run its course and that we were just different people with values that no longer matched.

Original poster
thisisasurvivor · 21/05/2023 08:05

We are better off. Think so

OP posts:
Frith2013 · 21/05/2023 08:54

Zero.

I choose friends well but partners badly!

Oblomov23 · 21/05/2023 09:34

Lots. Oh dear.

1)Childhood best friend who I went to visit in Israel during our year abroad pre Uni and she disowned me for her new friends. She wrote to my mum in our first year of uni to say sorry, but it was too late for me

2)A mn group I was friends with for 2+ years , I clearly massively pissed them off.

3)Closest friend of 8+ years, Her ds2 trans, I thought I was being supportive, she said I wasn't. She ghosted me.

4)Friend of 10+ years, I mentioned to ds2 HoY that I wasn't the only one concerned about lack of homework, everyone I spoke to was, including friend. She was mad at me for mentioning her. I apologised but she hasn't spoken to me since.

Fuck. Now I've written it out it looks horrendous. I do still have 1 close friend from school, best mate from Uni, 2 close friends of 14 years.

mondaytosunday · 21/05/2023 09:41

I've just lost friends due to moving and just losing touch - losing the connection that kept us as friends.
But one guy a was very friendly with - in fact we referred to each other as brother and sister. We had been set up on a date but realised pretty quick the connection we had wasn't romantic. Anyway he eventually did get a girlfriend so I inevitably saw him less, though we still went out and talked by phone. Then one day boom - silence. He dropped me with no explanation. Maybe his girlfriend had something to do with it I don't know. I wish he had said why though. I could accept the 'sorry my girlfriend is uncomfortable with our relationship' or whatever. But just silence left me speculating that I had said or done something. I know they got married later on.

SerenityNowInsanityLater · 21/05/2023 09:50

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

DontForgetToBreathe · 21/05/2023 11:29

Love this thread as sad as it is. Thinking of cutting out more friends recently because I refuse to be everyone’s therapist.

IndexBook · 21/05/2023 11:33

Lots of friendly acquaintances, who at the time I called friends but looking back they were more situational/seasonal. These tend to end fairly shortly after moving (I've moved a fair amount and now I've stayed put for a while it is more them moving) or when our circumstances change (e.g. kids move from primary to secondary school). I've managed to keep true friendships going for decades despite distance - now our children at getting older/are young adults we're meeting up properly again too.

The one friend I still regret losing after 25+ years was a close friend from the 1st/2nd year of uni. She had a tendency to be bossy and did couple of things that crossed the line (and due to my background I found overly upsetting). Rather than talk to her about it (and I think she would have very much been open to this - she was great overall) I slowly distanced myself including changing flat for 3rd and 4th year (we all did in the flat - all went into separate flat shares and she was the reason, although we didn't tell her that). That really hurt her as you can imagine. We stayed friends on a much lower level for another 4 years (2 post uni but we only met up once at an event in this time) and then lost contact, I know she emigrated to Australia a long time ago and has made a great life out there for herself, and I am so pleased for her. I put this lost friendship down to my immaturity and unresolved childhood abuse. This is my one big friendship regret.

I've drifted away from a few shorter term friendships when they've shown characteristics that I don't like (badmouthing people/being passive aggressive/self absorbed). I've got a longer term friendship like this now that has managed to survive with stronger boundaries, lower expectations and more distance but I'm done now. The straw finally came. Currently just hoping that she doesn't contact me as we live close and I don't want it to get awkward.

Original poster
thisisasurvivor · 21/05/2023 11:48

Frith2013 · 21/05/2023 08:54

Zero.

I choose friends well but partners badly!

Wow ok !!

OP posts:
Mary46 · 21/05/2023 12:20

Ghosted by a few lol. Its not nice. Letting go of the flakes too yes must meet up soon! Its a lesson have a few friends. Its hurtful though

Bouledeneige · 22/05/2023 21:37

It happens throughout life. Not that people betray you but you drift apart or go in different paths. Sone you may re-discover later but new friends come along and take their place.

I've lost a few friends - and some I've moved on from. One because she was such a drama Queen I couldn't hack it any more when my Mum died unexpectedly. Others dropped me when I divorced - I was no longer invited to the dinner parties. But others really showed me what great friends they were and others have appeared since through different interests and hobbies.