Worried about friend and her partner

[Falfalla]

I hope I don’t come across as a busybody writing this.
I’m concerned about one of my best friends. She is a lovely person and a really good friend, and I honestly just want her to be happy. We have known each other since we were teens and we have always been supportive of each other.
Long story short: my friend’s boyfriend of a few months creeps me out, and I know that this sounds dramatic. There are so many red flags, but she seems so smitten that she doesn’t want to see them.
My friend has changed, and I am worried about her safety but maybe I am overreacting ☹ She has a history of mental health issues, and I really don’t want her to slip (back) into a dark place. I’m just not sure what to do or say without her withdrawing. Has someone else dealt with this before and can you share any dos/ don’ts?

Depends what the red flags are really?

If you’ve been friends since your teens surely
you just say something?

What is it you don’t like about him?

It's kind of you to be concerned but we can't protect people we love against their own life lessons. X

He lies without battting an eyelid. We were out recently and met some people collecting for a charity. He happily chatted away to them and telling them all about he was a member/ sponsor already and lots of details. My friend seemed embarrassed and told me that he wasn't a member, and that he just enjoyed "fucking with" sometime. These were just people collecting for charity, and they didn't do any aggressive begging...he approached them with his fake story.

I recently noticed some bruises on her arms and I asked her about them, because she did self harm in the past and we openly talk about these things. She said it wasn't anything bad because they were doing some BDSM stuff. That's totally fine with me of course, but it's just nothing she ever talked about before.
He is a hobby artist and all of his work is really violent and gendered, so maybe I am overinterpreting here.

I thought he was nice at first, but he has been odd with me and somewhat passive aggressive. My partner noticed it too so I don't think I am imagining it.
It's just so confusing because I'm not sure what I could have done to cause it.

I did tell her that I thought he was strange (and why....in broad terms) but she brushed it all off so now I feel it'd be better if I said nothing.

You didn't cause anything. Good luck to them. Let it go and enjoy your life.

ok thanks all

Not much you can do really. I told my sister the guy she was seeing seemed concerning and she stopped talking to me for 2 months! Now I just keep my mouth shop

There’s really nothing you can do here. unless she sees these red flags and then does something about it herself off her own steam, there’s nothing anyone can do.
If he isn’t a nice person let her end up finding it out for herself.
don’t become emotionally drained by all of this - she may side with her BF and even tell him what you said and you could get cut out immediately.
Unless she comes to you with something bad he’s actually done to her, I’d stay completely out of it’

Sit back and be ready to comfort her when it goes wrong. Sadly there is little you can do but be there as a friend when she is ready.

Any man that gets sexual pleasure out of bruising a woman is a red flag in my opinion.

I won't say anything else as she had brushed it off. Thank you all, I'll wait for her to say something to me. I'm pretty sure he knows how I feel because of the passive aggressive goading he

@redbigbananafeet I totally agree, and it makes me uncomfortable because she has a history of self harm and low esteem. But as everyone said there is probably nothing I can do until she comes to the conclusion herself...

He sounds like a walking red flag and unfortunately these types of men prey on the vulnerable which your friend sounds like she is. I would be clear and unequivocal with her that you think he is walking red flag and you will always be here for her, but carry on being pleasant in his company and play the long game. I expect she will need you eventually when the pieces have to be picked up. One thing that might be helpful is for her to see a counsellor, ostensibly perhaps to process past issues, but ideally someone who can help identify the abuse while it is happening.

You are right to be wary.
Isolating someone from their friends - especially those who may be more observant is one of the first things an abuser does.

Unfortunately all you can do is ensure that she knows that no matter what, you will always be there for her - even if you aren't talking at the time, or she's had a massive falling out with you -that your door is always open for her. That way when she does finally see him for the danger that he is, she hopefully will remember your words and realise you can help her. Until that point, there's not a lot you can do.

She has a therapist and we sometimes talk about these things if she feels like it.
I'll tell her that she can always talk to me if she needs a handhold, but I'll keep my mouth shut otherwise. I hope she won't get hurt but I can't stop her...
Thank you all