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Relationships

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Original poster

Unwarranted jealousy??

16 replies

Biddy302 · 20/05/2023 11:32

I've been with my boyfriend for over a year. I love him dearly but he's still very much involved with his ex fiancé's family and friends. I found it difficult to understand when we first met given that they didn't have kids or anything. As our relationship has progressed he has distanced himself from a lot of them. Especially ones who tried causing trouble during the early stages of our relationship. However, her best friend is still very much a larger part of his life than I would like her to be.
His behaviour when it comes to her is bizarre. He insists it's just a platonic thing. And yet when he goes to meet her for a drink when I'm ot around, his behaviour is so weird. He'll go totally radio silent then if I message or call him he'll be really cagey. It just makes my spidey sense tingle a bit. And to top it off, there hasn't been one weekend for the last few months that hasn't involved us meeting her for drinks. We only see each other at weekends due to work and distance, and I end up with his ex's best friend who always manages to bring the conversation round to his ex. And I have been told that she does report back to his ex. When I try explaining how uncomfortable I am with all this, he calls me narcissisticly jealous.
I've tried explaining its not jealousy, I'm just very uncomfortable with this and at times I feel like a 3rd wheel in my own relationship. Am I acting jealous? Do I have cause for concern?

OP posts:

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 20/05/2023 13:06

Just out of interest, why did he split up with his ex?

It wasn't because he fancied her best mate by any chance?

Original poster

Biddy302 · 20/05/2023 13:11

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 20/05/2023 13:06

Just out of interest, why did he split up with his ex?

It wasn't because he fancied her best mate by any chance?

I laughed way too hard at that. She was younger and didn't want to get married and settle down. And she cheated on him. He insists there's no attraction there but there's just something about the whole friendship that just doesn't sit tight with me.

OP posts:

Tidsleytiddy · 20/05/2023 13:17

Sounds like he’s hoping to get back with the ex ie keeping channels open with the best mate

BananaBlue · 20/05/2023 14:12

So ex split with him and he’s still engaging with her friends/family?

I’d throw this one back.

perfectcolourfound · 20/05/2023 14:24

I would walk away, honestly.

He only sees his gf every weekend but insists on meeting up with this friend every single time?

He goes radio silent or cagey when he's with her?

Yeah something isn't right here. And then to top it off, when you question it (a very understandbale thing to do) he calls you 'narcissisticly jealous'??

He doesn't sound like a catch at all. It doesn't seem that you are the most important relationship to him.

Honestly, I'd walk away. You don't have to tell him why, but if you want to, you can explain that you'd rather have a bf who acts like a bf, or none at all.

Original poster

Biddy302 · 20/05/2023 14:25

BananaBlue · 20/05/2023 14:12

So ex split with him and he’s still engaging with her friends/family?

I’d throw this one back.

Yup. She cheated. Moved to the other side of the world and is expecting her first child with her new husband. It baffles me beyond belief how he wants to maintain relationships with people connected to her. His reasoning with some of them is that they were friends before he got together with his ex yada yada yada. It's her best friend that's the issue. As I said, I sometimes feel like a 3rd wheel and I just can't get it through to him at all.

OP posts:

Mari9999 · 20/05/2023 14:27

OP, if you don't like the situation , why are you staying in the relationship? Would you feel any differently if everyone on MN said that they would not be concerned nor bothered by the relationship? You are the only one who has to live with this relationship. If it bothers you, that is reason enough to end this relationship.

You say that "she is reporting back to the ex." What is there to report? Surely, the ex knows (assuming that she even cares) that he is in a relationship. Are you guys doing something that would be of great interest to anyone?

Life is too short to spend time trying to fix his behaviors. You are not married to him nor do you share a child with him. Why not just move on and find a relationship in which you are more comfortable?

BananaBlue · 20/05/2023 14:45

What I meant was it was exGF decision to leave him (also she felt too young to get married to him but rapidly married someone else?) and not his.

as it wasn’t his decision and he’s unable to move on, does he still hold a candle with his ex, the friend being the closest link he can find to her?

Either way, you only see him at weekends and he cannot be arsed to solely engage with you at that time.

He doesn’t seem fully on board to me.

Pinkbonbon · 20/05/2023 16:56

Hua choice of the word narcissist...would make me think HE has been called one before.

It's a very specific word. And a bad one imo.

Like 'bitch'. Tbh.

I'd never call someone I loved a narcissist. Nor accuse them of jealousy when they are simply voicing a reasonable insecurity.

He's gaslighting you.
And if I was a betting woman, I'd guess it's because HE is the narcissist.

Also, this action of using another woman to make you feel insecure or worried something is going on, is called narcissistic triangulation.

Towelie · 20/05/2023 17:00

narcissisticly jealous

What the fuck does this even mean? Anyway, I think if they were together for a while it's not surprising he forged friendships himself with some of her friends, it sounds like they're pretty close though and I don't think it's unreasonable that you're uncomfortable with it.

LaDamaDeElche · 20/05/2023 17:17

Calling you narcissistically jealous for simply communicating how a situation is making you feel is surely enough of a red flag to end a relationship that sounds hard work. Cut your losses and find someone who doesn't have all the baggage and priorities you above his ex's friends. You have no real ties to this bloke yet, so get out while you can make a clean break.

Shivvy120 · 22/05/2023 18:43

Calling you a narcissist without cause is the most concerning thing here IMO. You tell him how you feel, which is most natural in a relationship, and he responds with you are a narcissist? Ummm….
Seems like he’s trying to teach you not to communicate your feelings. if you do this it’ll be met with an insult. Maybe he’s hoping this will keep you quiet in future. Speaking from experience …
Anyway- back to the ex. I wonder what her husband thinks of this? Personally I find this a little too much and I wouldn’t put up with it. At all. You are deserving of a man who puts you first all the time, every time.

agentshreddie · 22/05/2023 18:47

so he got dumped. his ego was crushed. he wanted commitment but she was too young...men don't forget that, he couldn't get what he wanted, so the flame is still there. if it had materialised and continued maybe they'd have been bored. but like this, it is still exciting and mysterious. the platonic, unrequited love. Run away OP, you will never be good enough compared to a fantasy.

agentshreddie · 22/05/2023 18:48

and no, you are not being unreasonably jealous at all. this isn't jealousy, it is noticing something odd going on and questioning it.

OhComeOnFFS · 22/05/2023 18:49

Chuck him in the bin (as they say in MAFS).

Saucemonkey · 22/05/2023 18:51

You are not unreasonable, this is not ok.
it’s totally unacceptable.

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