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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Letter - Handwritten or typed ?

34 replies

FoghornLeghorn · 19/02/2008 13:54

There have been several threads over the last 9 months or so so wont go into it all again but DH and I have decided we want to make some sort of move to resolve and issue between ourselves, DH's DB and his wife.
We've thought long and hard and we don't want to go the next 15 years or whatever without even trying to hold out an olive branch so we have decided to write a letter from the 2 of us to the 2 of them.

We are going to try and put something together tonight so do we handwrite or type ?

OP posts:
FoghornLeghorn · 19/02/2008 21:43

What about if it was phrased as :

It's such a shame to go from how close we all were to just nothing

Or just leave out all toether ?

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itsahardknocklife · 19/02/2008 21:44

that's nicely put, better than a question.

FoghornLeghorn · 19/02/2008 22:04

Thank you

Now written - will post tomorrow

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itsahardknocklife · 19/02/2008 22:06

good luck - let us know the response x

warthog · 19/02/2008 22:10

i think it's good but agree that right now it sounds like you miss the kids more than your bil /sil, so agree with itsahardknock.

my policy in these sorts of things is to try and make my point, with as little baggage as possible. so imho, i'd miss out the paragraphs that begin 'We both said and did things that weren?t right' and 'we don?t want to go on for the next 2, 5 '...

you don't want to bring up the occasion that caused the probs - reminds them of the negative, keep it positive. you haven't come to an agreement in the past, maybe it's better to draw a line under it.

it's also best not to predict the future - either by saying you don't expect the rrelationship to recover, or for the rift to continue.

those are my thoughts anyway...

FoghornLeghorn · 20/02/2008 08:28

Thanks Warthog

Unfortunately knowing SIL the way we do we fully expect a barrage of "you said this" "you did that", so we thought it best acknowledge what happened but not go into any detail over it so we are not leaving it open for her to respond with all the accusations. This way, we are acknowledging it, apologising and moving on.

TBH we do miss the kids more than anything else, our lives are not much different having nothing to do with her and we specifically did not want to make this all about her which is what she would want.

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postingatlast · 20/02/2008 14:56

hi there, I know nothing of the issues behind this letter as i have not seen the previous threads but can i make the following suggestions (i hope i am not too late!)?

I think that with a letter like this it is a good idea to state the tone you are trying to achieve. A sentence at the start like: "obviously it is difficult to be sure with the written word that it is being read in the tone it was intended to be written as things can be misinterpreted. We can assure you that we are sending this letter in a real and unconditional spirit of reconciliation and hope that it comes across as such."

also, you are already showing yoourselves to be big by sending the letter and I think you can reinforce this further with a sentence like "whatever the rights and wrongs on both sides, we really want to move on. Obviously we cannot speak for you but we can honestly say that where we have messed up and caused any hurt, we are unreservedly sorry. We don't want to go over old ground, just recognise that much has been said and done and show that we want to find ways to move forward with you"

finally, I know it is a cliché but if you can find a way of saying that life is short, I always like sentiments like that. Without be patronising to them, it would be no bad thing to remind them how much everyone would regret this feud when life moves so quickly.

Finally, i am not sure about the word "nice" when saying it would be nice to hear from you. It doesn't sound convincing or warm enough. I would be a touch warmer with something like, "look, we really would very much like to hear from you, for all the above reasons and more, and try to find a way for us to all move forward together and leave this really difficult situation for us all behind"

hope that helps and good luck

mumtosam · 20/02/2008 17:50

Perhaps don't leave it open ended which means they have to pick up the phone out of the blue.

Propose to meet at a certain time and place and ask them to let you know if it's convenient.

That means when they phone you it's for a reason rather than having to create an opening.

Good luck

FoghornLeghorn · 20/02/2008 19:05

Thanks all
We don't want them to call us - we meant it would be nice to hear from you as in a response to our letter - maybe that wasn't very clear.

Not sent as yet so can change some bits

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