If you married an introvert..

[Ohoho]

How's your social life?!

When I met my DH we both worked in a city and had a good circle of friends. During lockdown we moved out of the city to somewhere new. Since then, I've realised my DH has no interest in making new friends whereas I quite like seeing & socialising with people. Obviously trying to make an effort to meet people but it's all on me. He's not bothered.

I grew up with very sociable parents - lots of parties, bbqs with neighbours, friends with other parents at school - and I'm now realising that we probably won't have that and I can't change who he is. Just seeing how others feel in a similar situation.
Apart from this, he is a great husband.

I have this. It's pretty rubbish, tbh. When we were younger we lived in a city where we had a good social life, including DH's uni friends. But moved to a commuter belt town more than 20 years ago, and since then he's not made a single local friend (nor does he want to) and won't socialise with any of my local friends. I only invite my friends round when he's away for work. I go to social things on my own, and don't really want him to come too, because we'd only have to leave after an hour, so what's the point? But I do resent the lack of socialising as a couple.

@DoggerelBank I feel we're on a similar path.

DH has no desire to socialise and it’s breaking me to be honest. So sick of spending every Friday and Saturday night in front of the screens. DH Doesn’t want to have anyone over and as a result we don’t get invited anywhere. I WFH and we live in a town away from my hometown as I result I have no social network. I look back at my friendships groups and abundant social opportunities of my 20s and I want to weep.

We are both introverts so it doesn't create any issues here.

Dh and I are both introverts. We have no friends and no desire to have friends. Well he is friendly with people at his work but no desire to see anyone outside of work and I have one “mum” friend I meet occasionally for a coffee. The thought of having people over / going out with a group of people absolutely fills me with dread. I’m lucky dh and I are the same. I don’t think it works at all if you’re married to the opposite type of person to be honest. It’s one of the main reasons my first dh and I got divorced. He was very social and wanted to be around people, have parties and bbqs etc and I just can’t stand any of that.

Yes similar dh has a group of old friends that he sees once or two a year. But mostly he's happy to be at home . To the point if we go out he will be ready to return home after a couple hours. It's hard I like to be sociable but lack confidence and feel like he makes our life a bit smaller

We are both introvert. But DH does want to make friends. Yet, well into 40s near 50, making new friends is a lot more difficult, especially when people around all have their established social circles.

We both find middle age people are less willing/able to bond with other people. Unlike someone in their 20s when you are free from family life and can do whatever whenever, among the people we know, common things are rare and common values are even rarer when you are at this stage of your life. but it's very important/essential for an introvert to feel bonded by common value and shared views of life.

My view is, if there's little commonality, as introverts, better to save the energy and find joys elsewhere. So it doesn't bother me as much. (I ve tried, but it never worked out.)

I'm the introvert in our marriage!

But I'm happy for DH to do what he likes, he can go out, see people, socialise as much as he wants, he goes out 1-2 nights a week.

Can you not each do your own thing? I will sometimes join in and do couple things, I'd say I go to 1 out of 5 things he does. If it's a thing with other couples I'll go if he wants me to.

I’m the introvert in our relationship. Though oddly, Dh is very much the ‘I made friends in college and uni and now I’m done’ sort. So he actually is more social than me (as I’d liked to spend time with people, visit them, invite them over, go on holiday), but isn’t that interested in making new friends. I’m the one who’s always made new friends where we live as I’m a bit more open minded to new people even though I’m perfectly happy to not do social things and avoid going out as much as possible.

I think you just have to focus on making your own friends. Dh and I do know the partners of each other’s friends and if they’re invited over or we see them out, it’s not like we’d totally blank them. But I actually don’t know many people who do the ‘couple friend’ thing. I have friends, I see them when I want, if it’s a joint thing, Dh may or may not come along. Same with him. We just have our individual friendships and we aren’t rude to anyone but neither of us needs to hang out ‘as a couple’ all the time. I will humour him as needed by having friends to dinner or to stay for the weekend, but also he knows he is very welcome to see his friends on his own without me, and he does.

So when you get invited to bbqs and dinner parties, go and enjoy. Once or twice a year, he is perfectly able to suck it up and host with you, or can go see old friends or family that day if he doesn’t want the hassle. Both are fine.

Both introverts here which makes it easier. I have a couple of close friends I socialise with a couple of times a month, a few times a year we’ll do something bigger (camping, bbq, beer festival) with our husbands/partners too. I remember my parents always socialised as a couple with other couples but it doesn’t seem to be so much of a thing amongst my peer group

Well yes, my DH is happier alone than I am but I don’t mind, it has its advantages. At least I can control who I have to socialise with and don’t have to put up with people I didn’t choose. Try and turn it to your advantage!

I'm to the extrovert side of neutral. DH to the introvert side so not wildly different. He is also a workaholic and really never wanted to get involved with the school circles. Socially we have some old friends and he has work colleagues. He has never wanted to mix much with new people I may have wanted to introduce.

It's worked for us for decades.

My social life is great - it just doesn't involve DH. I joke that my friends probably think he's fictional because they've all heard about him but never actually met him.

What I find hard is things like holidays, when I've only got him and the kids for the company. DD is even more introverted than he is, and while DS is more extroverted, he's only 8, so there's a limit on what we can do together. It feels very lonely and boring when they mostly just want to read and hang around the villa, and I want to got out and meet people and socialise.

DH is naturally introvert and I'm borderline. It means he never invites people around and hates going to parties, while I don't mind either. I don't often invite as it means only me doing the prep. I cam do once or twice a year.

When I'm at a party I hardly speak, rather listening to everyone talking. I'm livelier if there are only 2-3 people to talk to.

I manage to socialise externally but what I struggle with is DH doesn't like to host people at our house. If I even mention a party he says no. I am much more social and want to host more and have friends round. It's bloody difficult.

But then he wants to come to things he isn't invited to and gets upset if I say no. Last night I mentioned I was going to brunch (at a place we went to recently for the first time and loved) with twi firmer colleagues who he has never met - so just 3 of us. He wanted to come and was hurt when I said no and it would be weird. I said we could go the next day but he didn't want to 🤷🏽‍♀️

We’re both introverts, as are the kids. We go out quite a lot but not to meet other people, we try to visit places at unpopular times! Marrying an extrovert would have made me (and probably him) utterly miserable.

I just do my own thing. Even if we were both extrovert I can't imagine that we'd socialise together all the time, so spending 3 evenings a week together seems about average. It's just that it's me out the other 4 days rather than 2 and 2. Sometimes it would be nice to have someone I can take to work events, but actually take the wife along events aren't so common anymore anyway, which as a woman in a male dominated industry married to an introvert is definitely an improvement!

I'm the introvert, partner very much and extrovert.

We make compromises for each other. I will make an effort to do something he'd like to do with me, and he doesn't expect me to socialise all the time.

Surely that's how you negotiate things like this in a relationship? Compromise and accommodating each other?

Both introverts, im probably more so than him, he will sometimes play football, or other sport. I sometimes go and see friends for dinner.

We both have a very small circle of speperate friends. But if its a birthday we will both go. But we adore spending time together and going out with each other, for dinner or trips away. So i guess i do not feel im missing out.

Do you do much together?

We're both introverts but if we do go out, it's either just us as a couple or we just go out with our own friends.

I've never liked the idea of lots of couples socialising together - the idea makes me really uncomfortable so I'd never do it 😂

We are both introverts, so it's fine. We see friends from time to time, but all live a fair distance away (in lots of different places). Just random socialising doesn't do it for us, eg both hated "work dos" and just stopped going.

I'm not hugely extrovert, but my husband is quite introverted, and has no real interest in socialising. He enjoys my company, that of our children, our wider family to a lesser extent but otherwise prefers to stay in.
It's fine. I have a good social life that doesn't need to involve him. If we get invited anywhere as a family, he'll come if I ask him to, but I won't put him in situations where he's uncomfortable.

Me and my husband are both introverts (he is less so than me) but we still go out together, meet family etc. He sees his freinds, once a month usually on his own for a few hours.

I could never be with an extrovert, it would give me extreme anxiety.

I’m an introvert, but people commonly think introverts avoid people entirely if given a choice. But many don’t, we like company, but company in small numbers of people we know well , can have more “thinking” conversations with. It is meeting lots of people simultaneously, with Radom social interaction that drains introverts.

some of your DH issues may stem from issues that creep in during our working life. We have less time and opportunities to make friends. We then feel embarrassed about our shrinking social circle and when we do meet people have lost the frank openess of childhood to make the first step into friendship to say something like “ I really enjoyed meeting with you, do you fancy meeting again over a coffee/ drink etc”. Kids are so much better with their simple “ do you want to be my friend” 🤷🏼‍♀️. It is very tempting to just stick with people we’ve known from school, Uni years, and as they may fall by wayside to be stuck in a rut of fear to just ask new acquaintances to develop relationships further.

i think mums and dads of under primary get a friendship boast due to mums and toddlers, PTA etc. but that then fades again in secondary years as work loads increase, elder carer roles kick in

but, good news is, that drought period can end abruptly at retirement🥳. I’ve joined stuff, I’m out socialising harder than my uni days. Despite my introvism I’ve got friendship groups from those shared interest groups. I see way more of my extended family socially as well which is turning into a delight as I find my nieces and nephews are delightful and interesting adults. The groups I mix in , with other retirees are much more back to playground mentality of not missing a chance to make friends and taking ready risks to just ask a new acquaintance to coffee, cinema, walks etc…we know at this age how important social interaction is to stave off dementia and shortened life expectancy, as all the research is now showing. Social isolation is literally a killer, even for introverts

Why do you need DH with you in order to socialise? Me and DP have been together for 15 years, and the majority of the time I see my friends, and she see's hers.

I think it's due to the fact we had DD very early (she was born 11 months into our relationship) so we never really did coupley socialising, as someone had to be home looking after DD. We both know each other friends, and get on, but she'd be bored shitless listening to most of the stuff I talk about with my mates, and vice versa.

You're an individual person, not just half of a couple, so go meet people as an individual!