He used to beg for it, now it feels like he’s bored of it

[Strawbs88]

Been together for 12 Years. Recently came off the pill and I can’t get enough lately. There are urges every day. He used to beg for sex, we would go for weeks without sometimes as I didn’t feel like it. The urge just wasn’t there, I think it was the pill or maybe having young babies.

Lately, I initiate almost all the time (I don’t make any moves as such, he just knows I want it). He does it and is very enthusiastic at the time but I feel like he’s not as excited in anticipation anymore, like the desire for me isn’t the same. I have a lot of trauma from childhood so I guess I’m quite insecure anyway. He used to lie there with a huge smile on his face afterward, now he goes to sleep!

What should I do? Is he bored because I’m offering it so much? I want to back off a bit but the urges are crazy and after a few days I can’t take it anymore and the poor guy gets jumped.

What should I do? Is he bored because I’m offering it so much? I want to back off a bit

Why would you want to play games and deny both of you the immediate pleasure and emotional connection of sex, when you both clearly enjoy it?

You've been together 12 years and have children. Of course the sex is not going to be as passionate as those first few years, but the flipside is that now it is (or can be) built on a basis of deep trust and each knowing what the other needs and wants.

If you're feeling insecure and want reassurance that he still finds you as desirable as ever, can you just tell him/ask him? Like, "I've realised when you were always wanting sex and I wasn't feeling horny, it made me feel more desirable and secure. Nowadays I want sex more and somehow that's making me feel like you don't fancy me as much any more, is that silly?"

He's probably not bored just content with the new status quo. He used to seek sex now you're actively initiating he doesn't have to. Don't play games (unless they're fun games) just relax znd enjoy the new format your relationship has taken. If you're the one looking for more sex that's fine.

He's probably just grateful he's getting sex again. Not entirely sure what your problem is here as you say he is willing. Possibly he doesn't initiate sex with you because you're always the gatekeeper and he got fed up with having to beg for it. Whst you describe is quite a weird dynamic tbh.

Thanks, I don’t mean to play games. We talked about it and his reply was that it was like eating chocolate cake everyday… you become a bit desensitised. So that’s why I thought maybe I should back off. Problem is I can’t last very long before making eyes 👀 again . I don’t know what’s gotten into me.

So he's gone through years of you having a much lower libido than him, and now that the roles are reversed you're miffed because of what... Hes not "anticipating" it enough?

It sounds like he's still initiating it, because you're not making the moves apparently, and it sounds like he's enjoying it when it's happening.

Do you not think you're being just a little bit unfair?

He’s put up with years of you not wanting it now you suddenly do - it’s for you to fit into his groove not you starting demanding sex because you’re suddenly horny.

talk to him like an adult about it

I think you just got used to a situation when he was keener than you. Obviously it’s going to feel different now.

I’d enjoy your sexually assertive self if I were you, I’m sure he is. Maybe experiment a bit if you want to add excitement. Deliberately holding off because you want him to beg for it isn’t cool (I know you know this, but worth repeating).

Hi, I don’t want to deliberately ‘hold back’ or deny sex just I can see from his reactions, I feel like it’s too much or he’s getting bored. It could just all be in my head though. It’s a bit silly but it’s getting to me! I don’t want him to feel obliged if he doesn’t want to and I do miss him looking at me with lust in his eyes.

He gave you consideration for years when not up for it. Now you are, you don't say he's turning you down ever, but even that is not good enough for you? He's doing well coping with the change. You ate just being insecure- like he may have felt when the weeks went by. Time for you to be the considerate one.

Put yourself in his shoes OP. Do you not think he's enjoying seeing the lust in your eyes for a change?

He's spent years probably feeling like a bit of a sex pest, and now the shoe is on the other foot.

Talk to him about it. Let him know it's Ok to say no if he's not in the mood. He may be afraid to, he's had years of making the most of it when the opportunity does arise, it may take him some time to get out of that habit. And he may be worried that your new libido isn't a permanent fixture, so he has to make the most of it while he can.

And cut him some slack when he falls asleep straight after, it sounds like you're wearing him out!

I think this is fine - sometimes my husband wants sex more, sometimes I want it more - it goes through phases.

Also the pill kills your libido... So if you've come off it your libido will probs follow a cycle of wanting sex all the time when you're ovulating, and being not at all interested at other points in the month - so dw about it.

I'm sure I read about male/female libido and naturally women's is higher than men's for two weeks of the month (on average) then much lower than men's during your non fertile times. It's all fine, just hormones

A lot of ppl would love to have your problems OP 😂 .

Maybe you're over thinking it? He's still enjoying it. Him being er...shagged out and sleeping afterwards is proof of that.

Aww you miss him begging?

@fdgdfgdfgdfg Thanks, I had told him I don’t want him to feel obliged to sleep with me but I haven’t actually worded it as ‘it’s ok if you don’t want to’. I will make sure to let him know.

I would agree that he’s just taking what he can in case my SD drops again, but it’s been 4 months now of me wanting it almost every day. I also didn’t mean to purposely withhold sex for all those years. The pill just killed my drive and on top of that I was touched out having young babies attached to me all day. I do feel terrible for it, he has been very patient.

😂😅I miss the desire and the way he would look at me as if I were the last glazed donut in the bakery, yes.

Try a bit of sheer black lingerie, OP. Not the Ann Summers kind with cutaway panels and nipple tassels, just something you feel good in, like a little slip worn with sheer stay-ups with lacy tops. You'd be amazed how many men go absolutely nuts for this set-up. It's worth a pop!

Don't worry, I don't think anyones thinking that you're witholding deliberately.

As you may of guessed, I'm on you husband's side of this. DP does not have the highest libido in the world. She'd probably be happy with once a month, whereas I'd be up for every day if I could. It did lead to problems in the first years of our relationship, but we've learnt to compromise. I've learnt what times of the month she's horniest, and we work around that, so we'll end up with lots of sex that week, and then maybe once outside of that.

There was however a period of 2 months where some tablets my DP took had the side effect of sending her libido through the roof. It was fantastic, suddenly she was looking at me like she wanted to devour me. I wasn't getting turned down constantly, she was jumping me out of nowhere.

But what it did mean was that I found out my libido wasn't quite as high as I thought it was. I thought I needed sex every day, but that was actually worry that if I didn't try and initiate every night, what if I missed the night she was in the mood. I felt responsible for keeping our sex life going, because if I didn't, would it stop completely? When suddenly sex was on tap, I found I was perfectly happy with every few days.

To give an analogy, think of it like a holiday. I love a holiday, sun, sea, beaches, good food, no work, nice posh hotel. You look forward to it, you anticipate it. While you're there you're blissfully happy, and when you get home you remember it fondly, and look forward to the next one.

Suddenly you've won the lottery. You decide to move out to holiday destination. You don't need to work, you can afford to eat out every night, you've got a nice posh house. It's brilliant, you are objectively happier than you were at home, but it's not a holiday any more, it's your daily life. The anticipation is gone.

This is what your husband's feeling now. I bet he's significantly happier now than he was a year ago. But that comes at the expense of the anticipation.

That look of desire you're missing, that hunger. For you that felt good, it validated you, it made you feel wanted. But for him, that look was him feeling rejected, unworthy.

It's fine that it made feel good, but understand that it came with a cost. Surely what you have now is better?

The tables have turned, that's all.

There were years when you didn't feel like sex and he did. He likely felt as you do now.

Now, he doesn't seem so excited by it, possibly because he's learned to adapt over those years and put less importance on sex, possibly due to his age.

It seems unfair to think that after years of him feeling unwanted sexually (not saying it wasn't for an understandable reason) he should now revert back to how he was all those years ago. Time and your relationship have moved on.