Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What is "fair" in terms of finances? WYYD

26 replies

holliebo · 19/05/2023 17:55

Regular poster but NC for this due to the amount of personal info......

So DP and I been together for almost 4 years and everything is going great. Started to have early conversations about living together and ultimately it's what I'd love to do.

We've still to discuss financial details and it's obviously not the biggest factor but I just want to prepare for a chat that I think we'll be having soon.

Also don't want it to sound like im bragging talking about money etc.....Anyway.....

Both of us are financially independent and not struggling for money so it's not a driver but I can't get my head round how this would/should work.

I've got one DD (8), they get on great. DP has no DC.

I live in a 4 bed house with Dd but he lives in a 2 bed flat in city centre. I don't want to leave my house where Dd is settled in school etc and think it would be too much to uproot her so he'd be moving in with me. Both comfortable with that. However, I'd want house to remain in my name only so if it all went wrong Dd and I could stay here without any financial complications.

If he pays towards the mortgage does that put that at risk? Ie could he claim 5 years down the line that it's his house too and claim some of the equity?

Do I charge him rent? How would I decide a fair amount given he's sharing with us? (Ie market rate for rental wouldn't be appropriate as that's how much he'd pay to rent a full house to himself).

The alternative would be that he keeps on his flat, he pays the mortgage and he owns his, I owe mine. However he'd then have a rental income that I don't?

Also in terms of bills, food shopping etc. do I pay 2/3rds for me and Dd and he pays 1/3rd? I'm sure he'd offer half but I'd rather it was fair rather than either of us taking advantage. Dd has a relationship with her dad and I receive CMS payments so I wouldn't also expect DP to pay more towards her too?!

If it makes any difference our annual incomes are roughly the same, mine maybe slightly higher. Main difference is he is on a lower basic with high bonus potential whereas I've got a fixed monthly salary that is enough to support me and Dd on our own for now.

Feels like it's taking the romance away from it as I'm already trying to plan ahead for if we split up but I feel like I need the security of having our house to fall back on. If it wasn't for my Dd I might be less protective of the house

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 19/05/2023 18:11

In a way if you don’t need the money then don’t charge him rent?

It’s also a good idea not to expect him to pay for your child

If your bills were say 500 a month excluding mortgage then I’d ask for a contribution of say £350

so a small amount of rent

I’d expect food shopping to be 60/40 as you are paying for DD

Yankeescot · 19/05/2023 19:33

OP, if I were you I'd come to an agreement with on a set monthly rent rate to include council tax for him. The other stuff can be arranged as you go I'd imagine. I couldn't be fucked with keeping track of the who owes what down to the tuppence for every bill. Unless one person is taking the piss of course and never pays their share.

That's just me though, I couldn't live with someone under those conditions. Thank goodness my DP and I just both naturally do it that way. Sometimes he pays, sometimes I do and we don't keep score of who paid what. And we never argue. I think accounting for every penny of who paid what can only lead to financial stress and arguing. Say he has a low bonus month and is stressed about making bills that month. If it were me I'd say just pay what you can this month and make it up another high bonus month. You've been together for 4 years so it's obviously a good relationship. The trust is hopefully there that if the above scenario happened you trust him enough to do that.

GoodChat · 19/05/2023 19:41

Could he pay for the food shopping and WiFi or something then you pay everything else, if you don't want him to have a claim on the house?

Original poster
holliebo · 19/05/2023 19:44

Quitelikeit · 19/05/2023 18:11

In a way if you don’t need the money then don’t charge him rent?

It’s also a good idea not to expect him to pay for your child

If your bills were say 500 a month excluding mortgage then I’d ask for a contribution of say £350

so a small amount of rent

I’d expect food shopping to be 60/40 as you are paying for DD

Yeah I was thinking I didn't need him money so not to charge him rent but on the toe he hand it doesn't seem fair that he lives mortgage/rent free?

OP posts:
Original poster
holliebo · 19/05/2023 19:46

Yankeescot · 19/05/2023 19:33

OP, if I were you I'd come to an agreement with on a set monthly rent rate to include council tax for him. The other stuff can be arranged as you go I'd imagine. I couldn't be fucked with keeping track of the who owes what down to the tuppence for every bill. Unless one person is taking the piss of course and never pays their share.

That's just me though, I couldn't live with someone under those conditions. Thank goodness my DP and I just both naturally do it that way. Sometimes he pays, sometimes I do and we don't keep score of who paid what. And we never argue. I think accounting for every penny of who paid what can only lead to financial stress and arguing. Say he has a low bonus month and is stressed about making bills that month. If it were me I'd say just pay what you can this month and make it up another high bonus month. You've been together for 4 years so it's obviously a good relationship. The trust is hopefully there that if the above scenario happened you trust him enough to do that.

This seems to make most sense to me. Neither of us are the penny counting type, just now we spend a lot of time together and take turns paying for meals, food shops if we're cooking together, take turns for things each on holiday without working out if it's been exactly 50/50

It's more a ball park idea of what's fair I have no idea about.

Me having the safety of it being my house for me and Dd if it ever comes to it

OP posts:
chipsandpeas · 19/05/2023 19:48

just have him pay towards bills and council tax then he will have no claim on your house unless he pays anything substanial towards it ie a new kitchen/repairs etc

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 19/05/2023 19:52

How about not moving a man in to your daughter's home?

Mumoftwoinprimary · 19/05/2023 19:52

Ok - so when he moves in the you then the two of you “as a couple” will be better off by whatever rent he gets on his flat. So how about you share that equally.

He pays the mortgage and all maintenance costs on his flat. You pay everything on yours. You each own your own current homes and no claims either way. But you will both be Rent on Flat / 2 better off each month.

Lovingitallnow · 19/05/2023 19:58

I think continue mortgages both as you are. Split bills whatever proportion you think is reasonable, don't count DD as a full adult. So both contribute to a joint account and all non mortgage bills come from there and put his rent into a savings account and use that for holidays/savings.

Citygirlrurallife · 19/05/2023 20:03

Mumoftwoinprimary · 19/05/2023 19:52

Ok - so when he moves in the you then the two of you “as a couple” will be better off by whatever rent he gets on his flat. So how about you share that equally.

He pays the mortgage and all maintenance costs on his flat. You pay everything on yours. You each own your own current homes and no claims either way. But you will both be Rent on Flat / 2 better off each month.

Was going to say this - continue paying your own mortgages but split his rent?

missmollygreen · 19/05/2023 21:30

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 19/05/2023 19:52

How about not moving a man in to your daughter's home?

why not?

Original poster
holliebo · 19/05/2023 21:48

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 19/05/2023 19:52

How about not moving a man in to your daughter's home?

I wouldn't be doing it if she wasn't happy about it.

In this day and age the world is full of blended families

OP posts:
Original poster
holliebo · 19/05/2023 21:49

Mumoftwoinprimary · 19/05/2023 19:52

Ok - so when he moves in the you then the two of you “as a couple” will be better off by whatever rent he gets on his flat. So how about you share that equally.

He pays the mortgage and all maintenance costs on his flat. You pay everything on yours. You each own your own current homes and no claims either way. But you will both be Rent on Flat / 2 better off each month.

This seems pretty simple and fair!

OP posts:
Whatonearth07957 · 21/05/2023 18:02

Get a cohabitation agreement. Get him to sign he gains no equity share in your house. It will also divide up shares of bills and the amount of contribution towards rent. He should not live rent free

WatieKatie · 21/05/2023 18:10

What we did (no children at the time, I earned about one third more):
He moved into my house, I didn’t charge rent.
He let out his flat which covered his mortgage payments.
We split utility bills, council tax etc down the middle.
Food shop was done weekly with us taking turns for payment.

We ended up getting married and shortly after DC was born he left (turned out he was having an affair). I filed for divorce and kept my house, he kept his flat. The solicitor said that if he hadn’t had his flat I would have to pay him some equity from my house to help him buy somewhere.

Mythicalcreatures · 21/05/2023 18:26

My dp pays a set amount per month which covers his contubution to household bills and the shopping, we both earn similar amounts, works for us.

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 21/05/2023 18:32

Also, you talk about “his rental income”. By the time I have paid the fees, insurance, mortgage, tax etc, it costs me about £250 a month to rent my house out. There is absolutely no profit in it. There might be be for him either. Now, long term I will have my house. But it’s not a short term money making scheme by any means

Original poster
holliebo · 22/05/2023 06:43

WatieKatie · 21/05/2023 18:10

What we did (no children at the time, I earned about one third more):
He moved into my house, I didn’t charge rent.
He let out his flat which covered his mortgage payments.
We split utility bills, council tax etc down the middle.
Food shop was done weekly with us taking turns for payment.

We ended up getting married and shortly after DC was born he left (turned out he was having an affair). I filed for divorce and kept my house, he kept his flat. The solicitor said that if he hadn’t had his flat I would have to pay him some equity from my house to help him buy somewhere.

Sorry to hear that @WatieKatie

Sounds similar to my prick of an exH! Although in my case we'd bought a house together and even though I'd paid the deposit with a gift from parents I had to buy him out.

As well as it being the hardest time of my life (discovering the affair with a newborn) one thing that helped is that I managed to keep the house for me and Dd giving us some stability. Hence my reservations of putting that at risk!!

OP posts:
Original poster
holliebo · 22/05/2023 06:44

Whatonearth07957 · 21/05/2023 18:02

Get a cohabitation agreement. Get him to sign he gains no equity share in your house. It will also divide up shares of bills and the amount of contribution towards rent. He should not live rent free

This sounds good. Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
holliebo · 22/05/2023 06:47

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 21/05/2023 18:32

Also, you talk about “his rental income”. By the time I have paid the fees, insurance, mortgage, tax etc, it costs me about £250 a month to rent my house out. There is absolutely no profit in it. There might be be for him either. Now, long term I will have my house. But it’s not a short term money making scheme by any means

Interesting! I never even thought of that.

We often talk about keeping his flat plus my house then way down the line we could sell one and buy a holiday home. Well that's the dream!! I guess from that POV it would make sense to keep both

OP posts:
legalseagull · 22/05/2023 06:47

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 19/05/2023 19:52

How about not moving a man in to your daughter's home?

Yes you should just be a single mother forevermore Biscuit

Paq · 22/05/2023 07:09

The thing is, you don't want him to have a financial interest in your house but you want some financial benefit from his flat via the rental income.

Keep the two entirely separate. He pays a share of the bills which saves you money. Remember he is vulnerable in that if you decide to break up with him he would have to leave at a moment's notice and if his place was rented out, he'd have to find somewhere else to live/rent. So he should have a minimum of 6 months living expenses in cash as a safety net.

Grumpyfroghats · 22/05/2023 07:31

I think it depends on the numbers but broadly both of you should benefit financially from moving in together.

You should also talk about who pays for repairs/home maintenance. If he pays you rent, you should cover them all. If he just pays half of bills then I think you should split day to day maintenance like fixing a leak but you should pay things like new kitchen/bathroom as it is your asset for

Grumpyfroghats · 22/05/2023 07:43

I also second PP on rental income. He won't make much from it, hopefully the rent will cover the costs but in that sense it's not very different to what you will gain from owning your house and it doesn't seem fair for you to profit from his flat but protect your house. Especially once you take into account the higher taxes you pay extra compared with capital gain on your primary residence.

Original poster
holliebo · 22/05/2023 07:50

Paq · 22/05/2023 07:09

The thing is, you don't want him to have a financial interest in your house but you want some financial benefit from his flat via the rental income.

Keep the two entirely separate. He pays a share of the bills which saves you money. Remember he is vulnerable in that if you decide to break up with him he would have to leave at a moment's notice and if his place was rented out, he'd have to find somewhere else to live/rent. So he should have a minimum of 6 months living expenses in cash as a safety net.

This makes sense.

Tbh I'm not actually looking to be any better off financially, I'm just excited for us all to live together.

I guess one of my concerns is being taken advantage of. It's more a principle rather than the actual money if that makes sense.

My DP often says one of the refreshing things when we met was that I was financially independent and not "out to see what I could get" - he's had some bad experiences himself in terms of previous partners sponging off him.

I just don't want anyone taking the piss (not for a second I think he's that type, or I wouldn't be considering this!). Just wanted to explain my comment about his rent.

I had an image of me being the one paying the mortgage and bills for mine while he's got all this extra income splashing around.

He's genuinely not that type. Think I was just freaking out and wanted some reassurance the house would always be mine

OP posts: